.Who Am I? What Am I? How Am I to Be?
The above are questions I pose to myself without meaning to, virtually every day.... perhaps more like every HOUR. This ambiguity manifests itself in so many ways.
Whereas two years ago
, I felt I understood who I was, and I understood what life was about. And, I felt I was doing the "right" and "just" things in my day-to-day life. I felt CONTENT with who I was, what I was, and had a vision for how I was to be. Today
, I really do not know who I am:
1. I am no longer a caretaker of my beautiful mother. This was a big part of my existence.
2. I am no longer feeling a kinship with my Department since the fiasco about the hiring of SuperPuppy.
3. I used to feel "special" in that I felt there were GOALS in life and that I KNEW these goals.
Additionally, I do not know what I am:
1. I used to be a loving, devoted son to my mother. Now that is no longer a viable relationship. I am, instead, an adult orphan.
2. I used to feel a leader in my Department, but I no longer really give a damn what the Department does or how it fares in any of its interactions across the greater University.
3. I used to be driven... driven to accomplish or at least strive for great things in my day-to-day life. This is how I most used to feel akin to Don Quixote. But now, I have virtually no drive to accomplish or strive. I am simply finding drifting along without purpose to be the new way I live day-to-day.
Finally, I have no understanding of how I am to be:
1. I cannot devote so much of the remainder of my life to reliving and rehashing the details of my mother's last few months with us. Yet, I cannot shun memories of her and blithely prattle on as if she were never here. Both conditions are horrible and harsh.
2. I cannot "forgive and forget" the pure nastiness of those in my Department, for I cannot tolerate being played for a fool. Yet, I cannot hold that hurt inside myself any longer, and I cannot grieve any longer for what I used to have in the Department.
3. I do not think I can exist as an unfocused, drifting nothing, but neither can I reacquire the ambition or drive or devotion I once had.
So, I am at a loss on how to proceed. I do not know who I am any longer, I do not know what I am, and I do not know what I will be.
So many of you may feel my words are a bunch of prattle and b*llsh*t. You may feel I am so full of myself that I need to place a call to "RotoRooter". But, please, if you can understand anything, please know this is not the case. I truly do feel lost, lost in a way I have never ever experienced before. It is very truthfully as if who I am or what I was has DISAPPEARED. The man who has disappeared is someone I enjoyed, someone I was comfortable with, someone I UNDERSTOOD. The new skin of experience I wear seems as foreign to me as fur on a fish. I do not know how to be a furry fish, nor am I sure I can be a furry fish or if I want to be a furry fish.
I do not know how to find myself anymore.