I am sitting on the back porch, watching the dog, pipe in hand after completing my five mile run, and I feel contemplative, but part of me wants to avoid contemplation. I feel emotionally more average than I have in several weeks, but I am not the contented, happy person I wish to be either.
During this time since before Thanksgiving, I felt a low that was so harsh. I wanted to run and hide and not be out or do anything or work at anything. I was scared, tired, distraught, and very, very feeling utterly alone and unable to cope. During this time, I still did all that I was supposed to do. I took care of my family, I worked, I ran, I tried to do what was needed of me. But, it was so utterly hard. It seemed every thing was a huge chore. The only reprieve I had was sleep. And, sleep was filled with nightmares, or if there were NO nightmares, the moment I awoke, the clenching of my stomach and the rise in stress hormones made waking a harsh, almost unbearable time as well.
My FIL is in rehab. He is doing "ok" but he needs to try harder to get stronger. He basically does what he is told but no additional effort to try to get better. So, I do not know what will become of him yet. He is weak at the moment.
I really do not know how or where to proceed. It is better being in a "nothing" state of mind, but that is not what I want for my days. But, I am afraid to hope or to plan. I am still exhausted just getting done what has to be done. There are two more hard weeks left of the semester. But then, during my break, I fully anticipate a couple of dozen crises will probably happen to spoil my limited time away from the U.
Life goes on, I guess.
PipeTobacco
............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.
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Tuesday, December 05, 2017
8 comments:
I appreciate all forms of comments on my writings. I find that I miss the sponteneity of coming to read them here when they were unmoderated. I believe I wrote less due to the moderation. I have decided to adopt limited moderation. Hopefully the prior problems with unfettered comments will not arise again. Please feel free to comment as you wish about the essays I write. I will maintain those comments that offer kind-hearted and gentle opinion... be it positive or negative. The opinions of your comments will, of course, need to have relevance to the post as well.
Hey PT. We had a near-cyclone experience in my city. Ockhi. Which is a strange name for a cyclone.
ReplyDeleteYou sound better. Good job!
A good book may help, yes?
I hope your break is the way you want it.Demands on time are irritating as hell.
Your FIL is going to die, so what, we all do, deal with it and move on. How long has it been since you went camping or fishing?
ReplyDeleteWhy do you feel this way.....is it because of work, or is it chemical?
ReplyDeleteIt seems you've been going through this on and off for at least as long as I've been reading your blog (a decade?)..........do you just suffer through it each time or do you see a professional for help?
This has to be very difficult for you, obviously, but it also has to be difficult for your wife and children.
How do they get through it?
I'm sorry you feel so sad.
I wish you didn't.
I have determined that you are not doing enough sinning. Do a threesome with a couple of the catlick chicks and then go to confession and brag about it. :-)
ReplyDeletehang in there frump, the days will start getting longer in a few weeks. start planning your garden.
ReplyDeletepatio tomatoes and giant chinese pumpkins for me.
you need more sunshine.
ReplyDeletePlease go and see a doctor!
ReplyDeleteIt sucks to feel this way. I can definitely relate. My answer when what you call "nothingness" hits is to just survive it, knowing that at some point I will either be okay or I won't. Not very scientific I know, its all I have come up with after dealing with depression these past 10 or so years.
ReplyDeleteShort version here - everyone has advice, but only you can make it happen.