Emotionally, I am still in a rough place. I am trying to figure out how to get out of it, but it is hard. I feel angry and resentful about many things, much of them work related, but other things as well. I also have a lot of fears and sorrows I am trying to resolve. Many of my coping mechanisms are gone, and I am having to figure out new ways to try to find resolution. My pipe is gone, I do not have the pipe and a drink or two ritual on Fridays with my father-in-law anymore. I do not feel satisfaction at work like I used to. And, to top it all off, this week my wife is going on a trip that I unfortunately cannot accompany her on because of my damn work schedule, so I will be alone several days. I have even given up for the most part on listening to NPR. It has been my primary news source for several years (especially with the downturn in newspapers), but the news is always so depressing and horribly mean (Trumpian) now that it only aggravates my mood.
I used to feel excitement and joy, at least sporadically. It has been a long time since I have felt that sporadic sense of happiness. Each day now seems only filled with tasks I must do and usually resent doing, feelings of sadness and loneliness, and worries and fears about so many things.
It is really not enjoyable. I have to figure a way to fix things. There has to be something I can do to get out from this and to make like feel normal again.
I ran my five miles this morning. I got a haircut over the weekend and now with my normal, short hair in the sides and top, my fuller beard and mustache do look even more gigantic. I am liking the look. I feel more akin to a late 1800's era gentleman with this look.
I saw an art film "Loving Vincent" with my wife this weekend. It was an animation about Vincent Van Gogh using the characters of his paintings to tell the story of the last year of his life. It was quite remarkable and moving.
PipeTobacco
............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.
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Monday, June 11, 2018
7 comments:
I appreciate all forms of comments on my writings. I find that I miss the sponteneity of coming to read them here when they were unmoderated. I believe I wrote less due to the moderation. I have decided to adopt limited moderation. Hopefully the prior problems with unfettered comments will not arise again. Please feel free to comment as you wish about the essays I write. I will maintain those comments that offer kind-hearted and gentle opinion... be it positive or negative. The opinions of your comments will, of course, need to have relevance to the post as well.
Trump has had a similar effect on me. It seems his presence has pushed me closer to the depression I have been fighting now for I guess 15 years or so.
ReplyDeleteWhen living through another day seems like a chore rather than a pleasure, I just fall into my "one foot in front of the other" mode. It ain't the answer, but it beats a blank.
Hang in Pipe, hang in.
Thank you for the comment on my blog. It was a welcome surprise to have a comment from someone other than my regular readers! After my initial comment here I have been reading your posts but staying quiet. I have been through a mid life crisis recently feeling unfulfilled and not knowing where to turn to next. I feel helpless in knowing what to say to you and afraid of saying the wrong thing. Does your wife know how you feel? Could you speak to her? If not, continue to go through the motions each day (I do) and know that these feelings will pass. Keep on blogging. Blogging helps me and gives me purpose. You are probably helping people through your blog without even realizing it.
ReplyDeleteProf., when I get what Thurber called "the permanent jumps", I go see somebody. I found an excellent hypnotherapist 4 years ago and still visit nearly every week. Also, my GP put me on a regimen of Sertraline and Ativan --most efficacious. Mainly, I've learned that in our devotion to duty and kindness to family, we are not always kind to ourselves. Self-compassion was my hardest, most helpful lesson. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWell fuck, just get over yourself. Maybe get some fresh pussy or jack off to something more exciting. :-)
ReplyDeleteBBC has a lovely counselling technique. X
ReplyDeleteEvery so often on my job I bump into my client therapist. And they been told by there therapist "Just get out of your head" and right now one my clients is having trouble with aprophonia (sorry about the spelling) and is told just walk out the door.
ReplyDeleteI like to see Loving Vincent.
Coffee is on
From what I have read here, the loss of your father-in-law seems to have ruined your ability to enjoy pipes and libations as before. Sadly, it sure appears as though you are one of those folks for whom the chemicals in pipe smoke acted as an anti-depressant. Fifty years ago, amidst the amiable companionship of fellow pipe-smokers, you might not be feeling so joyless as you feel right now. However, since it seems unlikely that you'll be able to recreate that feeling of fellowship among your pipe-solaced brethren, maybe you should see your physician and ask about antidepressant medications. Once the fog of your depression lifts, the solutions to many of your other worries may become clear and achievable.
ReplyDelete