I Should Be Better
- I should be better. It feels like I am a broken record to say it again. But it is true. I am rather much like a sloth, with minimal focus, minimal gumption. I do not know why this is so, but it is.
- I had a dream last night that was just a snippet of a dream again. But this one was more "odd" than usual. In this dream some young lady (she looked like a young, 1970s version of Adrienne Barbeau) was carrying around a big bundle of newspapers and she had just had some sort of vocal, large-scale argument with some stocky, bald guy (he looked a bit like a younger Wilford Brimley). She was walking up and down the sidewalk, carrying the bundle of newspaper and muttering about the argument. That is all I recall of the dream.
- I was well ahead of my usual mileage this week, so I only ran 7.2 miles today (almost 12 km).
- Feeling a heavy pipe yearning today. A deep yearning.
PipeTobacco
Your post is quite astonishing. It was written by a man whose muscles are surely still recovering from completing a wonderful marathon-length run, and who is trying to retain his emotional and physical equilibrium despite family stresses at home, and who has recently heard more than one former student remind him of the happy influence he had on her life.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet it suggests that the writer is a sloth who needs to be better.
Professor, it seems that although you recently got new glasses, you are still having trouble seeing yourself clearly.
Of course you should strive to be better. That applies whether you are St. Francis of Assisi, or a struggling college freshman. We all should strive to be better.
But you, Professor, seem to have a special talent for minimizing the good that is present in your life. Yes, your pipes were once part of that good. Your teaching is part of that good. The character that keeps you running so regularly is part of that good. The patience that helps you endure the home-based challenges is part of that good. Your service at Mass is part of that good.
I hope you can sort through the various strands of your life and acknowledge to yourself the good that is already present in your life, while pursuing the greater good you naturally seek.
Like Pat, I'm astonished that you think you're a sloth; anyone LESS sloth-like I can't imagine!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Pat and Margaret!
ReplyDeleteYou must know that you are anything but sloth-like.
ReplyDeleteI continue to think that depression is part of your brain cocktail. The notion that you are slothful is so clearly bogus that it screams low-self-esteem, a possible cause of or sequelae of depression (or extreme anxiety?). I also wonder if the conflict with one of your children is a major part of your ongoing distress. This is total projection on my part, but as a parent I recognize the kind of mental anguish that "kid-worries" can cause. We lovingly bring children into the world, have total control over their lives for, oh, 9 or 10 years give or take. Then a few years later they are able to make independent decisions and our level of control drops precipitously. It's a major adjustment, and when events go awry (from the parental POV) we seem to suffer in a whole new way. "This child is my responsibility, he/she is part of me, my body and my soul. I'm fearful of what will happen now that I'm no longer in charge. Oh Dear God how can I live with myself and watch this happen?" I'll go to my grave second-guessing some of my parenting choices, and judge myself very harshly about the past.
ReplyDeleteAll of these people are onto something, Professor...
ReplyDeleteI hope that someday (soon) you will stop beating yourself with that heavy bat. It's okay to work on self-improvement but it's not okay to bludgeon yourself with statements you'd never say to a friend :)
ReplyDelete