Thurs far, what I have been able to do to try to return to "normal" is not quite where I want, but it is a bit better:
- I typically wake feeling nervous and fearful. Everything still FEELS like problems are lurking around every corner. This includes all the things I have been worrying about of late: a) my dog, b) the agonizingly slow progress in my TMJ, c) the feelings of being either behind or teetering on a knife's edge in terms of keeping all the crap I have to do, afloat, and d) whatever the NEXT major crisis will be and when it will occur.
- I POUND OUT MILES until I am so tired that my nervousness and fearfulness have somewhat dissipated.
- I get to work, and juggle all the work crap from the moment I step foot on campus until I can leave.
- Late, late in the day, I can finally quit, and I go home (or sometimes get to swim a bit first and then go home). I still feel nervous and on edge until I see if the dog is ok when I get in the house.
- I make dinner with my wife, and we eat together.
- We watch ~30-60 minutes of television
- We go to bed.
Lather, rinse, repeat...
That is the best I can do at the moment. It is not good. It is actually pathetic. I need it to change. I do not know how to get it to change. But, I need it to change. But, I am not asking for the damn moon and stars. What I want is:
- To awake feeling generally refreshed, and calm.
- To feel the old enthusiasm to go run those miles
- To go to work and feel creative and excited about teaching and research.
- To leave for the day, content and to swim with my wife.
- To make dinner with my wife, and enjoy it together
- To watch some television, feeling content until we feel sleepy.
- To go to bed, enjoy each other intimately, and then fall into a restful sleep.
The two scenarios aren't TECHNICALLY a helluva lot different. But, they are far more than "a river too far apart" from each other. The culprits:
- WORRY
- DAMNABLY DAMNABLE TMJ
- TOO MANY DAMNABLE DEADLINES
So, I am having a really hard time. I am so CLOSE to having the life I would like on the surface... but the actual moment-by-moment living is so FAR from what it needs to feel like inside.
PipeTobacco
How many of those stressors are temporary and will resolve? The TMJ and the deadlines will, right? The dog seems to be better so enjoy the time you have together; we are none of us immortal. Perhaps it's time to relax with a pipe, PT! I'm being serious here. If I lived near you, I would insist on having a delicious beer together while you smoke your pipe and ruminate (or vent) about life as a college professor.
ReplyDeleteYou really aren't in a good place. What can you do this weekend that would be a nice treat and break?
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like serious depression. Please seek help, PT.
ReplyDelete