$4!7 !!! vs Serenity
Not really much has changed. It is still rough. I am having a very hard time with the situation I am no longer talk about here.
Suffice it to say, I am physically, and EMOTIONALLY very much subpar. I cannot change anything about what is happening. I would like to holler, yell, cuss, scream. I would like to run away and never look back. It often feels so profoundly hopeless and that affects every waking moment. I sleep, and as long as I do not have nightmares, I awake refreshed. But, then reality sets in and I am transformed to feeling immediately sad and upset.
Yet, there is really nothing I can do about any of it. I feel voiceless for many reasons.
So. What to do?
There is nothing I can do about IT. The best I can do is to try to sooth myself, and try to look outside of this pain. So, that is what I am going to try to focus on and try to do.
In the past, working to do this (sooth myself, look outside the pain) often took huge amounts of energy to accomplish. I guess in some way that makes sense. But it was hard to do anything beyond getting to that starting point. But it is all I can try. I can try to become better at this, so perhaps I will be able to eke out more time and somehow find a balance. I never, ever expected my later years to be like this. I do not have (or HOPEFULLY have not YET acquired) the skills to cope with this successfully.
I wish I could paraphrase this better, but there was a story I remember hearing from a rabbi about the idea of basically.... yes, we are called to do good, but we cannot ONLY focus on that. God has given us so many things to enjoy during our time on Earth, that it would be a sin to not experience at least some of them. Again, this is poorly worded, and it was mor impactful in how I had heard it, but this was the jist of the story. If anyone knows a link to that relatively well-known story, please let me know.
But, I think I HAVE to learn to behave more in the fashion that this rabbi speaks. I have to be better at looking beyond what hurts I am experiencing and also not ONLY work to get things done and to help others. I need to figure out how to ROUTINELY take time to experience things that give me joy again.
It USED to be that my FAMILY was my JOY. That is not currently the case. My WIFE is my JOY, but we do not get to spend as much time together as I would like and as I need. And, I need more ways to experience and feel joy by doing things I love.... FOR ME.
Running used to be a joy. It has not been for the last few months. I am hoping to make it so again. I do it now..... not from joy.... but simply to try to tire myself out so my hurt and anger are less.
The Retiree's Cigar Group is currently a joy. But, when my schedule changes next semester, I will miss out because of timing.
I am rambling. I think I will stop for now.
PipeTobacco
2 Comments:
Professor, perhaps you should return to your beloved pipes next semester? Happiness isn't a goal to be chased; it's a by-product of recognizing the joys that are present in your life. If you spend your energy pushing those joys away, it's no wonder that you don't find happiness. But if you learn to accept what is, instead of fighting against it, happiness may more easily come. For instance, your family situation is what it is. When you let go of your wishes to change things, and instead accept the joys that are present (i.e. your wife), it can be a source of happiness. And, as the Retiree's Cigar Group has affirmed, you really are a pipe smoker in a deep and profound way. When you again learn to accept the joys of your pipes, instead of trying to fight them and run away from them, happiness should again more easily come. Instead of hoping to change what cannot be changed, I suspect that by accepting what you have -- a loving wife and the succor of your pipes -- you'll be able to find happiness more easily than at present.
Children will always be a worry, no matter what. My older one is having marital problems and my younger one makes horrible decisions too frequently, so I also am trying to find joy where I can. You are not alone, PT! Sending supportive hugs your way.
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