Friday

 The Retiree's Cigar Group was enjoyable and pleasant.  I am glad I went.

My SIL unfortunately has had a severe change in her health where she has a "flesh-eating" bacterial infection (Necrotizing Fasciitis) that necessitated emergency surgery last night.  While not the only culprits, her poorly managed diabetes and her kidney dialysis both make this a horribly challenging issue for her.  The surgery was large and significant enough in and around her abdomen to require MedVac equipment that will remove fluids, debris, and create a negative pressure that will (hopefully) promote healing of the large wound space.  It often takes months of MedVac treatment for a wound of this sort to close.  

Of course, my wife (and I) are very scared and worried.  For me, it also brings up fears and worries about my wife's poorly managed diabetes as well.  I want to talk about it and I want to urge her to take the needed steps to work to prevent her from progressing down this path and also from progressing down the path of converting into Type 3 Diabetes like I believe her Mom has which resulted in her dementia.  But, right now is not the right time.  My wife does not like to talk about these things, and to try to do so, especially in this time of already heightened worry would not be fruitful.  But, my fears and anxieties do persist.  

* * * * *
I forgot to mention that the Air Quality Index had improved enough yesterday that I WAS able to run outside.  I also ran outside today because of better AQI readings.  It was nice being outside.

There has been a term bandied about referring to the "Sandwich Generation" which had typically referred to folks who would typically be in the 40s and 50s who were dealing with problems of their own children and simultaneously of their parents.  At least in MY OWN feelings on the matter, I feel I have been in a "Sandwhich Generation" mindset since my 20s and have felt it ever since and while I am in my 60s, I suspect that this "sandwiching" appears unlikely to ever end..... at least until I end, I guess.  

And, if I were to have coined the term for the "Sandwich Generation".... I would have instead called it the "Panini Generation" because the panini sandwich is literally squashed and toasted between two very hot griddles.  I feel like I am a panini.

PipeTobacco

Appointments

 

I have two appointments today.  One "official" and one "chosen" even though technically both were chosen by me.....

1)  I am going to get some "hand-holding" in one appointment with a book publisher's IT folks for two of my Fall courses.  In these courses, I have adopted some of their "gizmo-ey" electronica to facilitate learning in these two courses (actually, it amounts to a bunch of "busy-work" for the students that if they do, it can earn them a few minor points).  

I have had these in use since the pandemic, when I NEEDED SOMETHING to supplement my on-line teaching of that era.  I have kept them, not because I think they are particularly valuable, but because students seem to appreciate having them as part of an otherwise all in-person course.  I tend to think they value the scraps of points they can earn.  But, it also highlights to me their somewhat ambiguous understanding of percentages and points.... for these electronica assignments are worth very, very limited amounts of points.  A single exam (of the many exams they have) that they could study harder for is worth the point value of about 50 of these electronica type assignments.   

The "hand-holding" I receive is in a brief (usually 20 minute meeting online) that helps me connect this electronica to my LMS (jargon for "Learning Management System" which simply means my "electronic classroom" or EVEN MORE ACCURATELY the space I store all the various documents, powerpoints, assignments etc to be able to distribute to my students.  This hand-holding helps me more accurately align dates and times because every damn semester the calendar changes ever so slightly and without there help, I would likely have to do hundreds and hundreds more mouse clicks to align dates successfully to the new semester.  

2)  My "chosen" appointment is to head to the "Retiree's Cigar Group".  I know it will almost assuredly be a nice time.  But, I do wish I felt more of the "passion" or "excitement" about going that I have had.  It is all a part of that seeming lack of ability I have to figure out a way to "rev-up" my engine (my mind) to feel things MORE (joyfully in this case).  

* * * * *

I am getting really, REALLY tired of needing to run inside because of poor air quality alerts.  The Canadian Wildfires are such an annoyance to me individually by not safely permitting me to run outside like I would prefer.   Obviously, though, there are EVEN BIGGER issues related to the wildfires related to a) health and safety of those near the fires,and b) the link of these persistent fires to global warming.  I can easily recognize those are far bigger and far more important issues.  But, I guess, here on my blog, I can focus on the impact on me.  

PipeTobacco
 

Thinking About Not Thinking

 

As usual, I have some convoluted thoughts.  

I have been thinking again as a way to try to figure out how to feel more "passion" and how to feel more "joy" and "life".  And, through THINKING about this extensively, I am coming again to the pardoxical conclusion that perhaps what is dampening my "passion" and what is quelling my "joy" and feelings of being "alive" are that I....

think too damn much.

As I was gently waking up in bed, I was feeling content and relaxed.  But, as I started to ruminate over my day, I became less happy, less content, less relaxed.  And, in many ways, I DO NOT need to ruminate over things.  Hell, I can do MOST of the day-to-day tasks on close to "auto-pilot".   But, I rarely do things on "auto-pilot".  But, perhaps I should?  

If I could be more on auto-pilot on the things that are not mattering to me, might I then have more time, more ability to see and feel joy and passion?  Might this be a way to live more fully?  

Part of me bases this on the things I have noticed about one of my brother-in-laws.  This brother-in-law worked his whole life in various, rather simple, non-stressful, low-expectation.... blue collar positions.  From the many decades I have known him, he has been one of the most happy-go-lucky folks I have known.  Before he retired, he would simply get up and go to work, with virtually little or no care, and WHEN HE WAS FINISHED for the day, he would be happy, he would joke around, and just have fun..... at least that is how I have always viewed his demeanor and behavior.  He is an intelligent fellow and can speak a lot about his various hobbies, with great minutia to detail such as the old car or truck he is refurbishing or the rod and reel he just acquired for future fishing trips.  But, I do not think I have ever seen nor heard of him ruminating about anything.  And I have never especially seen him thinking or worrying about work or about.... anything.  

I do not know.  Perhaps I am seeing only the surface.  I am not sure.  

* * * * *

Air quality was a little bit better today, but still better theoretically for me to be indoors, so that is where I ran.  

The only places currently, that I know of where I can often slip into that "non-thinking" state are a) when I am drifting off to sleep and flipping through (like with a Roledex) various beautiful pipe memories in my mind (but, that actually must be "thinking" of a sort), b) in the pool, and c) most of the time at the Retiree's Cigar Group.  

I (convoluted thinking again) need to think of ways to stop thinking all the time.  I do not think it is to my benefit to be so in my mind, ruminating.

PipeTobacco

One Flew Over....

 

I have been letting this marinate a bit in my mind, but I think I will write about it today.  

This past weekend, one of the theaters in my region had a special "50th Anniversary" showing of the film "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest".  I was not really "into" seeing movies much when the film first came out (my passion for movies began a bit later, I would say in 1978 and 1979.  Before that time, it was rather rare for me to see movies in the theater.  

My wife and I had watched a similar showing of "Jaws" a bit earlier in the year.  I did not see "Jaws"
 in theaters the year it came out (1975), but had seen it many times before on television and at various movie nights, etc.  It was really great seeing "Jaws" on the big-screen, though.  I very much like that movie.  

I was hoping for a similar experience with "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest".  Hell, it seemed a shoo-in as a movie I would greatly enjoy....... it......

1.  Received an Oscar for Best Picture in 1976

2.  Received an Oscar for Best Actor in 1976

3.  Received an Oscar for Best Actress in 1976

4.  Received an Oscar for Best Director in 1976

5.  Received an Oscar for Writing, Screenplay in 1976

6.  Nominated for a whole plethora of other Oscar awards in 1976

7.  It was purported to be a psychology-based film

8.  It was purported to be the "best acting" Jack Nicolson has ever performed. 

So.... when the film reached our region, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for me and for my wife (who also had never seen it) to watch this film... in all its glory... in a theatrical setting.  Both I and my wife knew "basics" about the plot, for who could not know at least a bit of the basics after hearing the film talked about and mentioned for 50 years?  We each had both seen little glimpses and snippets of video of the film over the years as well... we estimated that we had perhaps seen ~5 minutes worth of film footage prior to going to the film.  

* * * * *
If I were to grade this film now.... after viewing it, I would resoundingly give this film a grade of:

"D" 

At first, I was mildly interested in the film and its set-up.  It was set in the early-to-mid 1960s as the book the movie was based upon (by Ken Kesey) was written and published in 1962 and reflected that time frame or a few years earlier.  

But, almost immediately, I was less than enthused that the premise was that the character named "McMurphy" (Nicholson) was a "bad-boy, hoodlum" who had been convicted of statutory rape and had 5-6 prior assault convictions..... but he was trying to "game" the system by getting transferred from the penitentiary he was at to the nearby mental health hospital/asylum by pretending to be "crazy".   

The majority of the film then revolved on how McMurphy would continuously push against the rules of the hospital/asylum and to also get other patients in the setting to side with him.... and here is the key.... he did so whether it was in the best interest of the other patients or not.  Basically, MOST of the time, he just created more and more chaos.  

The "big-bad" nurse (played by Louise Fletcher) was supposed to be the horrible, negative character of the film in that she "suppressed" the patients into submission with her "taking away their freedoms" but in my viewing of the film, while she was not perfect, nor a "ray-of-sunshine" she was working to do a reasonably competent job (for the time period) with her 20 or so patients.  

In the film, a small amount of attention was given to the problematic treatment regimes of electroconvulsive therapy and lobotomies, and they were portrayed in a somewhat appropriate for today's standards, negative fashion.  BUT, that is about the only thing I can say about the "psychology" of the film.  

Most of the film was about McMurphy scheming to cause disruption and ultimately to break out of the hospital/asylum and escape.  And, this was done/accomplished in a variety of disjointed and arguably ludicrous fashions.  One time, McMurphy ended up climbing over a bar-wired fence and ultimately hijacked a bus of patients who were going "off campus" for the day... and taking them to a harbor where the group stole a large fishing boat under the guise that they each were members of the medical staff of the hospital on a fishing charter.  This trip included McMurphy picking up a friend/girlfriend/wife/lady of the evening (not really sure which or how many of the four she actually was) along the way so while the other patients of the hospital were fishing on this boat, McMurphy and his friend/girlfriend/wife/lady of the evening could copulate below deck.  

The second time, he was able to call his friend/girlfriend/wife/lady of the evening and corral her and a similarly ambiguously identified friend of hers to bring gallons of liquor and various party supplies to the asylum in order so as McMurphy could a) host a wild party with the other patients, b) cause chaos and mayhem in the hospital/asylum overnight, and c) have McMurphy escape at the end of the party.  In the process of this event, much of the hospital was destroyed inside, most all of the patients became uproariously drunk and McMurphy had one young kid patient (Billy Bibbit, played by Brad Dourif) who was sexually repressed go into a holding cell with the friend of McMurphy's friend/girlfriend/wife/lady of the evening and the young kid and this friend copulated.  Ultimately at the end of the destructive party, McMurphy had found keys to unlock a window so he could escape, but basically as he was thinking about things, he intoxicatedly fell asleep before he got out of the open window.  

The chaos and disruption that had occurred was discovered in the morning by staff, and this ultimately led McMurphy to be hauled away and given a lobotomy.  When he returned to the ward after a few weeks of recovery, a "friend" in the asylum, who happened to be Native American, "saw" that McMurphy was no longer "there" and he decided to smother McMurphy with a pillow before the overly strong Native American fellow broke a window and escaped himself.  

* * * * *

A couple of additional dislikes:

1.  The vast majority of the acting in this film felt extremely "performative".  What I mean by this was that MOST of the characters did not seem "real" characters or people, but instead most of the actors in their roles felt and seemed very obviously ACTING.  In my opinion, this was especially true for Jack Nicholson, his friend/girlfriend/wife/lady of the evening, and Brad Dourif.

2.  The character of Nurse Ratched (Louise Fletcher) was reasonably well acted, but she came across as more of a "Stepford Wives" sort of character, than a full-fledged medical professional.  

3.  The ROLE played by Scatman Crothers (Orderly Turkel) was so contrived and insulting that I felt quite sorry that this actor took the role.  

4.  The incredibly stereotypical and "hocus-pocus" style mysticism portrayed surrounding the Native American character (Chief Bromdon, played by Will Sampson) was to my mind and ear, so disconcerting, over-the-top and obscene that it left an even more bitter aftertaste in my mouth even after over all the bile I tasted during the first two hours of the two-hour and 15 minute move.  

* * * * *

A few, minor likes:

The character of Martini, played by a shockingly very, very young looking Danny DeVito.  Even though this film came out roughly only four years before DeVito was in the television show, Taxi..... in "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" DeVito, who was roughly 30 years old when the movie was made.... literally appeared to be perhaps 14 or 15 in the film.  And, to me, DeVito's character NEVER broke the 4th wall and seemed "performative".  DeVito was convincing and real in his performance.  It was perhaps the best part of the film to me.  

The character of Taber, played by Christopher Lloyd.  He two was surprisingly nuanced and believable as his character of a mental patient.  At roughly 35 years of age at the time of this film, he appeared much, much younger (perhaps in his early 20s).    

The character of Scanlon, played by the obscure actor Delos V. Smith Jr.  This character had only two spoken lines in the whole film, but his portrayal of a mental patient again (like DeVitos and ) seemed wholly real and true.   

* * * * *

So, overall, you can see I did NOT like the movie.  But, I also have to state that it stuck with me so much, that I felt a NEED to write down here what I did not like and why.  It is considered one of the "greatest" American films of all time.  I completely disagree.... but I can say it left an impression.  

I ran inside again today because of the poor air quality.  

PipeTobacco

Comments on Comments July 14th

I needed to run inside this morning as we are in another period of unhealthy air quality due to Canadian Wildfire smoke.  I do worry about this, but sometimes I am really questioning if air conditioned, indoor air is actually, truthfully any better?  However, as the current suggestions are that indoor air/air conditioned spaces have a better quality of air (compared to the current conditions), I followed the guidelines.  It all feels rather dystopian in a way.  When the EPA was enacted in 1970 (I remember the announcement on the news, even as a youngster that this was very exciting), it started a significant cleaning and reduction in air pollution.  Now, air quality is (for us near Canada anyway) down significantly, and the EPA is in shambles.  What would Rachel Carson think of the current state of affairs?  She has been a significant idol my whole life.   

Onto my comments on some recent comments.  As usual, the commenter and his/her comments are bolded and in italics.  Commenters are organized alphabetically by first name or moniker.  My replies are in normal text.  

AC 

...maybe you need a vacation...

Hah!  Yes!  But, my trip to Puerto Rico was actually partially a vacation (and work).  It was fully wonderful and I did feel very relaxed there and when I cam back.  But, only a couple of days later, both my wife and I thought about it.... and we were both sad to realize that Puerto Rico already SEEMED like it happened a month ago when at that time it had only been 4 days.  

We do have hot, humid summers. The world tends not to realize how hot Canada can be. It’s true that sweat is more miserable than helpful in our summers. 

Yes, the HUMIDITY is what makes Summer much more challenging, much more so than the temperatures, IMO.  In my region and in any humid region, I believe the biggest benefit of air conditioning is the reduction of humidity in the microenvironment, not so much getting things cooler.... although coolness IS pleasant.  We have dehumidifiers running in our basement and second floor during the summer that further assist our air conditioning keep inside more dry.  

You neglected to mention the most obvious lack of passion of all. 

Fortunately, love does not appear to be tempered by age.

Somewhat oddly, I am still salt and peeper in both beard and hair. Not a nice salt and pepper, mind you. I think being gray would be preferable, but nature hasn’t offered me a choice.

While I am more uniform grey currently, I enjoyed the more divergent patches of different colors as I greyed.  I would not do so, but I have read that some fellows actually get what are called "undertones" applied to their beard and mustache to create that more "defined" look with dye.  

I would not mind if my beard and mustache (and hair) would become pure white.  But, genetically, I believe I will be always a rather "gunmetal grey" color.  Both of my parents stayed grey-grey..... never white.  My Mom applied some sort of "blueish" hair treatment to her hair that helped the grey be a more "pretty" and less "yellowish" grey.  I cannot recall what that treatment was.  It also gave her hair more shine as well.  I might have to try to figure out again what that material was (I believe it may have been something called "Clairol Just for Grey" or something similar. 

Am I gathering that you do not have separate computers? I can’t imagine. I have a desktop; she has a laptop. We both have tablets, and I am using mine at the moment.

At home, my wife and I made a purposeful decision to share a single computer and that is what we have always had.  We did this for a few reasons...... 1) cost initially, 2) we both wanted to attempt to keep us from becoming overly zealous in terms of using computers at home, 3) as I am the "IT Guy" in this facility (our home), I hoped to have as few different devices to have to deal with, 4) and to not have so much electronica scattered about the house.  When we made this decision, it was well before we had cell phones and tablets, etc.  Now we have all those damnable gizmos too, somewhat to my chagrin (even though I willingly use them too).  

I am only getting rid of our old decrepit (I am thinking it is 15 or 16 years old) computer because it apparently is unable to switch to damnable Windows 11, and that will cause havoc related to my ability to accomplish U things if I do not switch (the U Switched long ago).

I have discontinued stretching post-surgery. When I do stretch or when I have stretched, I can more or less do that hamstring pose on one side but I have to improvise on the other.

I can understand not stretching for a time after your surgery.  But, I do wonder how long you should chose to wait before returning to stretching?  I believe stretching is vitally important for maintaining mobility as we get older.  I have seen MANY folks acquire balance and flexibility issues because they do not stretch.  Even though stretching is NOT enjoyable nor fun, I am trying to actually INCREASE the amount of stretching (and also the types of stretching) I do, because I worry/fear that potential loss of balance/flexibility as I further age.  

bornfreev

I'm 72 years old and this year for some reason, I really FEEL 72, whatever that means ... perhaps a state of mind? Gettin' old is certainly not for the faint of heart.

I do hope it is a state of mind.... a state of mind that I can work myself out of.... if only I would think it through hard enough and figure out a game plan to alleviate the doldrums and loss of passion.  

GaP

I'll tell you THIS, Professor. Writing about it as you have been doing is definitely in the PLUS column. It requires you to sift through your thoughts and feelings. It can only be a positive thing to sort out all of that mental flotsam and jetsam.

I do find that trying to write through my feelings does help me to attempt to better understand what is going on.  And, while I do not always get clarity, I find it useful.  And, additionally, the comments I receive often do help me think through things more deeply as well.  

I love that "three pictures" idea. A great tribute. Passions: Yeah, I believe our passions dim with age. I remember my dad saying to me once: "I wish I was gung-ho about anything these days." 

I do also really like the three picture idea.  I am working on getting it organized so I can get the images printed and I can put them into frames.  I am also thinking of which pipe will be the ornamental, display pipe as well.  

Your dad's sentiments are quite similar to what I have been feeling.  But, I am HOPING to rail against that mindset.  I would like to re-establish my feelings of "passion" across the board, but I would settle at first to feeling the day-to-day passions (as opposed to the "hobby" passions).  I am not sure HOW to do this, but I think it is something I NEED to address and try to alleviate.  

June

You are still passionate about smoking your pipes, so there is still that joy left.

Yet, while there is a bit of "passion" there, the reality is I am NOT smoking my pipes at the current moment, and more frustrating is that my emotional passions across the board  for EVERYTHING have waned in ways that I have noticed the last few months.  Across the board for everything.  And it is frightening and discouraging.  

Margaret

Low level depression? Maybe try a new hobby/class/activity and see if that sparks any interest?

I do wonder about depression at times.  But, it is such a "squishy, ambiguous" diagnosis that sometimes I worry about the way in which a clinician may manifest the term in terms of treatment.  I worry, I guess that many current clinicians are so over-burdened that they (like many of us) will take the path of least resistance to get on with their day.  In the case of potential "depression".... I can easily see a harried clinician mentally going through a simple check-box list and subconsciously thinking akin to..... "Ok, three boxes checked out of seven, that hits the minimum threshold.... I can easily diagnose "depression" and easily write a script for Prozac.... and still make tee-time for an afternoon round of golf!"

In terms of hobbies etc.... I would LOVE to incorporate something new.  Heck, I would love to just have time where I can do the already existing hobbies too.  I just do not understand WHY but it seems like I have less and less time in a day to do the things I would like to do.  It is a struggle.  I cannot sleep less (hell, I want to sleep more).  I do not FEEL like I am doing things more slowly either, but I seem to have less and less time.  

I would still be miserable in that kind of heat and isn't sweating a protective measure? It seems like dry heat would be dangerous because the lack of sweat wouldn't allow the body to cool off. 

Actually, though, the DRYNESS in dry heat is what allows the sweating process to be cooling to the body.  In dry environments, folks may not NOTICE themselves sweating because the sweat evaporates off almost immediately.  But it is the evaporation of the sweat that physically allows the body to shed/dissipate a lot of heat. Evaporative cooling of the skin by sweating exploits the fact that water will absorb a relatively large amount of heat and dissipate it away from the body in order to evaporate.   In a high humidity environment, the sweat that forms on the skin is less able (or unable in 100% humidity) to evaporate, and this results in limited or no cooling of the body.  

The age of passion can calm to the older times of quietness, calm and interest. I'm very interested in things but not passionate about them. I love reading, certain detective series, Star Trek, astronomy, walking but like you, my passion for them has waned, although not my enjoyment in them. It feels different yet not in a bad way.

Unfortunately, for many things in the last few months especially, I find both my passion and my enjoyment for many things has waned.  Perhaps your differentiation between passion and enjoyment is an important one in my own thoughts.  Because BOTH passion and enjoyment have declined and I really want to get one or both to return.  I find it interesting that you are a Star Trek novel fan!  I had been a rather rabid reader of Star Trek novels for a considerable period of time.   In the one "series" I know of (there may be many more, I presume), I had faithfully read the first 60+ novels and was always eagerly awaiting a newly published one.  I am not really sure how I fell out of this specific genre.  Perhaps I should give it a go again.  I must admit, though, that while I watched "ST:Next Generation" on television through its initial run, my "passions" about watching and reading Star Trek really only encompassed the ORIGINAL Star Trek.  I have not watched any of the other "spin offs" beyond Next Generation.  

I would be completely gray if I didn't dye my hair although my eyebrows are still (naturally) dark brown. Very strange! 

Yes, it is interesting.  for me, my eyebrows have only a few grey hairs and are otherwise still dark brown.  I knew a fellow at the U who was well into his 80s.... and his mustache was still black as coal, even though his head, eyebrows, and beard hair were all pretty close to white.  It is interesting the variances that arise.  

I love pepper and use it quite a lot although I stay away from added salt. (hypertensive) I wonder why there is less pepper; is it a more expensive spice? Never used it on cottage cheese!

I suspect pepper is generally more expensive, so that is why these pre-filled shakers have less pepper by volume.  It is wonderfully tasty on cottage cheese.  I also sometimes put pepper on popcorn as well (I eat a lot of popcorn as a healthy snack).  I remember first coming across pepper on Popcorn at an old movie theater I would often go to in graduate school.  This very old theater was abandoned for a period of time, and reopened as an "art" movie house (showing odd (experimental) films, independent films, and also foreign films).  They offered peppered popcorn, and I tried it and really enjoyed it!  I do not pepper my popcorn every time I eat popcorn, but probably once or twice a week I still do.   

How wonderful that you get to return to the Cigar Group! The Sasquatch Saloon is located at JBLM, so I'm not sure I can go to it as a non-military member. More research is required!

Interesting, I never realized the Sasquatch Saloon was a military based establishment!  I have really enjoyed the t-shirt, and even though I do not often wear a t-shirt in public (a remnant of my "hefty" days when I was highly embarrassed at all the bulges), on the few occasions I DO wear a t-shirt in public I get pleasant laughs and smiles about the shirt and my own "furry" countenance.  

Pat M

Could you perhaps find a priest with whom you could chat and unburden yourself? A pipe-smoking Capuchin might be ideal, but otherwise someone who would have a good appreciation of your values and ideals.

I would readily enjoy finding a Capuchin, pipe-smoking priest again to speak with.  But, our Diocese is in a severe shortage of priests at the moment, and with our move to a new Parish, the younger fellow we now have (great though he is) is not one I am currently feeling would be a good fit for such discussion.  

There might be some medical thing going on (less testosterone?), but with everything else in your life it could just as easily be something very mundane getting in the way of your motivation and your capacity for joy. 

I have contemplated getting a blood work-up, and have wondered about testosterone (as I does decline as one ages).  But I have yet to follow through with any of that thus far, because I do admit some trepidation.

"anhedonia" 

An interesting thought.  It does seem rather apt.  But, sometimes (often?) I am hesitant in actual clinical diagnoses about the more "squishy, nebulous" psychological terms in comparison to those that are more concrete.  The "squishy, nebulous" terms give me a bit of pause in terms of the possible ways a clinician may use such a term in diagnosis.... for good or for less than good intent, I sometimes wonder.    

This is a bit of a wild guess, Professor, a speculation, so I may be entirely off-base. But I find myself wondering, based on your various comments here... is it possible that, over the decades, your desire for control and order may have overcome your desire for passion -- perhaps even to the extent that you are now somewhat AFRAID of your old passions? 

That is a very interesting idea, Pat!  I have been thinking about this ever since you commented the above.  I am NOT SURE, but what my thoughts are currently are that I do not THINK I am afraid of my old passions.  I am not 100% sure of this, but in reasoning through things, I do not seem to feel a fear of them as far as I can tell.  I do admit that I find great comfort in control and order.  But, I can also say that has ALWAYS been a factor in my personality as well.  I have never really been a COMFORTABLY spontaneous person of any merit.  I recognize how spontaneity can be valuable and good to have or engage, but it is not my natural inclination to be that way.  I have had to sometimes "plan" to be spontaneous (I know that sounds contradictoy and ludicrous, but hear me out...) meaning I sometimes would purposefully WORK into my thoughts the idea that I would NOT go to this or that event with a preconceived analysis of what I would anticipate would occur and what would happen.  My natural inclination is to think through the plan and the outcome for damn near anything I will do, ahead of doing it.  But, in order to be "spontaneous" or at least to have the option of "spontaneity" what I had to do was prepare myself to specifically NOT think and plan an upcoming event, and simply go to it and try to let the "cards fall where they may".  

You've written that you still feel some manner of passion for your pipes, yet you've also written that you fear the loss of control that might come about if you fully engaged that passion. 

Yes, I do feel a "passion" for my pipes.  But, in regards to feelings of "passion" across the board, they feel diminished, not just for pipes, but for everything.  That is what scares me.  In regards to the fear of "loss of control" if I started to smoke my pipes again.... I can understand how it could be viewed that way.  But, what I think I actually mean is that I KNOW I could control myself if that is what I CHOSE to do..... but what I am not enthused about is the AMOUNT OF ENERGY I would have to potentially expend to exert that control.  I am a lazy sort of person generally, and tend towards taking the "easy way out" of things, I think.  And, what I believe keeps me from having an occasional, admittedly extremely delightful pipe, at this time.... is the wish to NOT have to devote so much energy into keeping myself "on-track" with an occasional pipe routine as it has never been my normal route of behavior with pipes.  It is perhaps this difference that has been helpful at the Retiree's Cigar Group..... namely I never had an established pattern with cigars, and the adoption of this weekly ritual with the group of fellows IS a newly established order/pattern and not the work to re-establish a different pattern to what I am used to as would be the case with my beloved pipes.  To establish an occasional pattern with my pipes seems far, far more work and effort as I would need to expend a lot of energy to fight my natural inclinations.   

And you mention a passion for family, yet it's clear that in light of some sour relations a passion for family is a sure pathway to deeper hurt as you contend with circumstances beyond your control. Even the process of learning may involve a kind of loss of control, as new discoveries and insights may disrupt long-held old assumptions that have given order to your world. Even scholarship, to the extent that your passion for discovery must be mediated against academic bureaucracies and expectations, may not be what it once was.

Wise words, and likely very true.  I am still trying to digest them to discern how they can shape my next steps.  I am not sure if I can add anymore to the above comment currently as I am still mulling it over.  

Passions change us in ways that make us more full ourselves, Professor. So if one fears the change that may come from upsetting an academic apple-cart, or from asserting oneself in a family dispute, or from embracing pipes and pipe tobaccos in a world that now demonizes those once-lauded balms, it's no surprise that a desire to avoid "making waves" may cause one to favor the monotony of order rather than the dynamic passion of change.

Again, very interesting thoughts and ideas.  I am still trying to figure out how I feel about them and how to respond.  I am not sure I am "demonizing any of my balms" (pipes, family, work) per se, but I see how that may be an impression I may give.  I have always lived with the idea that I CAN have what I hope for in life, if I put in enough thought and energy to allow it to be able to happen.  It just seems that in regards to my CURRENT situations (with pipes, family, and work) I am not able to muster enough thought and energy to get there..... or worse, perhaps I am failing to put in enough thought or energy.... even though I feel I have no additional reserves of thought nor energy to give.

I keep one monitor centered in front of me, and my second monitor immediately to its right, angled ever-so-slightly toward me. At the moment, I have two landscape-orientation monitors, but in the past I have occasionally had one rotating monitor on the right, kept mostly in portrait orientation.

As the computer purchase progresses, I will keep that idea in mind certainly!  I do very much like the idea of one central monitor and one cantilevered off (in the case of my desk) to the right.  That could likely satisfy my desire for a central view AND my wife's desire for the double monitor simultaneously.  

I, too, at one time thought that portrait orientation would be a big deal, but in practice I've found that having two monitors with 5K resolution is even more important than having the ability to rotate one or both. I hope that both of the monitors you've selected have 5K resolution (not 4K or less). That costs a bit more, but the usability difference (for me, at least) is huge.

Hmm.  How is the usability improved for you in a 5K?  I am investigating more about these monitors I am considering.  I believe the two I had considered are "Full HD" which I do not know (yet) this compares to either 4K or 5K models.  If you have insights, I would appreciate them as I also investigate further.  

Pepperlady

I'm a fan of insane history. Here is first part of the one on Hemingway...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urhwJbCXgEA

Pepper.... THANK YOU!!!  I greatly appreciated that video!  It was a nice synopsis.  I liked the bits of video footage too in addition to the still photographs!  

Again....

So, I went to the Retiree's Cigar Group yesterday, and it was nice.  It felt generally relaxing.  

I ran this morning.  It too, was generally fine.  

And, last night, I had a favorite meal of taco salad, burritos and a tostada, all made very healthy with extremely low fat ingredients as usual.  It was generally enjoyable.  

* * * * *

But, yesterday's and this morning's descriptors of things have had me purposefully use the term "generally" in reference to the event's impact.  In some ways, this typifies a lot of my thoughts I was trying to get across in my "Passions" post a couple of days ago.  

In that post I primarily focused on BIG-FOCUS hobbies and activities that I had always felt deep passions about, but that those have waned as I have aged.  BUT, as I can sense from my thoughts above, this "loss of passion" also impacts rather negatively aspects of my day-to-day routine as well.  And, I very much dislike this loss of passion day-to-day as well.  

And, I do not understand it either.  Truth-be-told.... lately running is just a chore I try to get through.... much of the time lately I just eat the food I eat.... just to eat, without a lot of joy.  And, the Retiree's Cigar Group was nice as I said, but it did not feel "wonderful" like I am used to feeling.  

It is as if I am STUCK at NEUTRAL in damn near EVERYTHING at the moment.... or at LEAST I HOPE it is only the current moment.  I have kind of "accepted" the decline in passion about hobbies.... but, man, if EVERY DAY, and EVERY THING I do in a day is just going to have me result in feeling "idle" or "neutral"..... that seems..... so...... horrible.  To think that every day could have everything feel this neutral....... it worries me.  It feels "robotic" and devoid of flavor.  

To put this into a different perspective.... I am even feeling.... and it may be shocking for folks who have known me for a long time...... I am feeling "idle" and "neutral" even about my pipes.  Before I started to write this post, I purposefully sat myself down and worked at trying to imagine in my mind the joys I have always had in my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  And, all I feel is neutrality.  Even trying to RECALL and RELIVE in my mind, prior absolutely beautiful and wonderful pipes and times with my pipes.... just "neutral".  

If getting older makes everything just neutral...... that scares the hell out of me.

PipeTobacco

Grapefruit

 

Because of an unexpected rodent litter that came yesterday (due to a student researcher error), my day of unexpected measuring and data collecting did not allow me to get here to write.  I needed to collect the newborn data.

After running VERY early this morning, I am now eating sections of grapefruit along with my yogurt and bowl of high fiber cereal with blueberries.  I consider myself very fortunate to not have a prescription for one of those various medications that require you to abstain from grapefruit.  For me, it would be a tremendous loss. Also fortunately, I do not have ANY prescription medications that I take, what-so-ever.    

I REALLY should try to devise a recipe for a grapefruit meringue pie. But, if I made one, I would need (get!) to eat the whole thing as my wife despises grapefruit.  

I had hoped to do a "comments on comments" post today, especially because I missed doing one on Monday.  But, I have been feeling rather exhausted the last couple of days.  I think it is just the unrelenting high heat and humidity we are currently experiencing that drains me after a while.  Most every day is hitting a high of at least 85 F (~30C), with low and mid-90s (up to ~35 C) being also rather abundant.  Some would scoff at the challenges of these temperatures.... but in my region, we also have been having persistent HUMIDITY of at least 85 - 100% as well.  It is the high humidity that becomes so draining, in my opinion.  

I remember way back in graduate school when I was on a trip to a research meeting in Boise, Idaho and they had been experiencing many, consecutive days with temperatures around 105 degrees F ( ~40 C) and I was SHOCKED by how comfortable I felt.  I figured out that WHY I was comfortable was that in Boise, the relative humidity was ~20 % or so and WHY I felt comfortable was that my sweat WOULD readily evaporate off of me, allowing me to shed heat easily.  In my region with 85-100% humidity, folks are simply, continually wet and clammy from sweating.... it does not evaporate or may do so only minimally.  

* * * * *

I do have a lot of thoughts about the recent comments.  Especially regarding the "Passions" post and also regarding my potential, new computer post.   So, I am going to strive to have my post on this upcoming Monday focus on them for certain. 

I hope my time at the Retiree's Cigar Group goes well this afternoon.  I had better get back to other typing I need to do.... mostly trying to get "ahead" a bit with Fall planning.... lots of futzing and fussing with dates and revising my syllabi and a lot of other, mundane, computer work.  

PipeTobacco