Thursday, May 22, 2008
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So Many Chips
I was going to entitle this essay "So Many Things" but thought "Chips" sounded more interesting and because I am hungry.
I have wanted to sit down and write several times over the last couple of days but the times when I am free to sit at the computer are very oddly scant the last few days. So, here is an abbreviated description of the things that interested me:
1. Exercise has continued well... in terms of me DOING the exercise. I was exceptionally sore from the weight training I did at the gym the first day. So sore, in fact, that it was painful to write with chalk or dry erase markers on the boards the next day in class. I am not sure if the students noticed or not, my very gingerly soft interaction with the boards.
2. Food is much more enjoyable when exercising. I have an easier time eating healthy foods, and I enjoy ALL the foods I eat much more when I am actively exercising.
3. I am pursuing some new serious grant writing efforts this Summer. It feels akin to a "mission" and is (at least currently) an exciting process.
4. I had an argument with my wife yesterday about a small freezer we were being given. The argument actually stemmed from when and how to retrieve the freezer from the donor. One of my wife's statements struck me the wrong way and I was hurt, frustrated and angry. This created a very difficult argument between us. However, the argument dissipated relatively quickly and we both learned some valuable information from this particular argument about communication. I was wholly to blame and at fault in the argument for reacting due to my hurt emotions and not looking at the reality of the situation, my wife's INTENTIONS, and the actual size of the problem we were disagreeing about. What is good, however, is that we talked through this much of the afternoon and came to realize we both have this tendency to react to statements emotionally.... when if we can just step back a moment, we KNOW neither of us MEANS to use hurtful words with each other. The problem stems from different styles of communication we have. My method is long, detail oriented, and a bit didactic and filled with all sorts of qualifiers. My wife's method is short, brief, and pointed. Each method CAN trigger hurt feelings on the part of the other without us even being aware of it. This was useful to figure out and may help us avoid discourse the next time it happens.
5. I am not sure if it is the exercise, or the grant work, or what, but I have been extremely interested in my pipes the last few days. I may indulge a little bit more, but not really anything significat. But, what I *am* finding is that I am examining each pipe smoking experience more deeply and enjoying each bowlful more than typical at least recently.
6. I think my spotty writing has driven people away. I have to figure out a strategy to get people to return... and to draw in more readers.
PipeTobacco
10:49 AM
Monday, May 19, 2008
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Worked Out
I worked out for roughly two hours today (walked briskly for an hour (roughly 5 miles)), and weight trained for another hour. Then I went home and spent 3.5 hours cleaning the garage.
I made a curried Indian chicken dish for dinner that is a family favorite. It has diced chicken in a sauce made of tomatoes, apples, apricot preserves, bullion, lemon, with a grand amount of curry and pepper. It is served over a flavored rice and topped with raisins and peanuts. It is wonderful.
I have to say I feel better today. I am not sure if the exercise affects my mood positively, or if I am just too exhausted to think. But the end result is the same... calm tranquility. So, perhaps if I can run myself ragged each day, I can be happy?
I watched the "House" finale tonight. It was interesting, but not as amazing as other episodes have been.
PipeTobacco
11:09 PM
Sunday, May 18, 2008
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Trying Again
Today was a very difficult day. I felt so tired and exhausted, I slept and did virtually nothing all day. I also felt sad, but not about any particular thing. Just sad, tired and forlorn. I have all myriad of different aches and pains... jawline, ear, feet, forehead region.
My wife baked a braided bread stuffed with sausage and various southwestern seasonings for dinner. It was very tasty. We had baked potatoes, broccoli and cheese, salad and creamed asparagus soup along with it.
My heart isn't really into it, and I do not know why. But, I am going to attempt again tomorrow to start back on my path toward exercising. I think the activity helps me to feel better about other parts of life. At least I hope that it will.
Right now, I am at a loss on how to find my way in life. I feel things may be just like this for the rest of my life... feeling lost, sad, forlorn. Feeling utterly exhausted, tired, and sleepy... of course until I go to bed at night when I toss and turn for hours unable to rest. I feel like a failure in so much of life.
PipeTobacco
10:59 PM
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
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Damn Dogged Tired
Starting a new schedule this week with enormous teaching loads on two days a week. And today I spent 12 hours evaluating and judging a K-8 School's Science Fair. I am utterly exhausted. Hopefully I will be able to write more on Thursday.
PipeTobacco
11:16 PM
Monday, May 12, 2008
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Ship Adrift
Mother's Day had both its good and bad elements. My wife was pleased. My attempt at a new Italian/Hispanic fusion food main course was well received. We went and bought a variety of bagels this morning with four different cream cheeses and had a grand morning following mass.
Yet, I feel very listless, and I feel very much a failure. I seem to only survive and not live. I seem to be buffeted from one task to another, never finding joy in what I do, never getting to a point where I am finished with what is required. I became angry while shopping at the local Target this past evening. I bought a pair of shoes to attempt to renew my vow to exercise regularly again. Yet even as I paid for the damn shoes, I knew there was little chance in hell that I would screw up enough gumption to use them on Monday. Therefore, my mood was very sour.
I miss my mom, especially on this Mother's Day (it is only shortly after midnight on Monday so to me it is still Sunday). Tomorrow morning I shall make the long trip to the opposite side of town to retrieve (?) the flowers I placed on my mother's and grandmother's graves for Mother's Day. I wrote the bracketed question mark because unfortunately there is a high likelihood that one or both of the potted plants will have been swiped by some unscrupulous people who seem to take pleasure in stealing flowers from grave sites. This has been something that has gone on for at least 15 years that I know of. My beautiful mother would become so sad when flowers to my father or to her mother or father would be stolen.
In honor of her, I buy the same exact type of plants that she preferred to leave on the graves. In honor of her I buy flowers for all the people that she brought flowers to as well as to her. If these potted plants are still there on Monday morning, I will bring them home and water and care for them to bring them back (and buy others) to put out on Memorial Day weekend to place on the graves of my mother & father, my grandparents, an aunt, four uncles, and two cousins.
I wish I could feel a sense of order, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of happiness. Yet, life typically feels too overwhelming... and all I feel instead is an ability to scurry from one mandatory task to another, pushing back my desires and hopes and goals.
I do not know what or how what I wrote is pertinent to anything. Perhaps this simply doing what is necessary and forced each day is what everyone does in their life, and I was too naive to know any different. If that is the case, I wish I could go back into my naive dream state where I thought I worked hard but also played hard.
PipeTobacco
12:16 AM
Friday, May 09, 2008
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Upcoming Holiday
I am on a mission for the rest of the day to shop (blech). Shopping is not my favorite task. However, I need to shop for a few additional presents for my wife to surprise her with on Mother's Day. Additionally, I need to buy some flowers to put on my beautiful mother's grave.... and also my grandmother's grave. The flowers for my mother will be a much larger arrangement than my typical single flower I bring to her grave each week.
PipeTobacco
1:25 PM
Thursday, May 08, 2008
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New Microwave
The new microwave oven is in place and looks grand in the newly spiffed up kitchen. I was able to get 90% of the items I had planned for the minor makeover done AND (MORE IMPORTANTLY) get the kitchen cleaned up and back in order before my wife arrived home (only minutes to spare).
She was very pleased.
PipeTobacco
11:22 PM
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