Another Thought Set

Although I try to keep my reflections on Mass focused on my Sunday blog post.... this week, due to my jumbled chaotic feelings has caused me to try to fix more fully my lack of focus this past Sunday.   So, I am exploring just a bit further:

In the readings from last Sunday, one of the strongest aspects to remember (and again, Pat nailed this very succinctly) is you are guided by God's command to forgive. 

Most of the time in my life, forgiving has been relatively "easy" and "natural" to do.   In *most* cases and in most day-to-day instances, forgiveness can and is relatively easy.   Even when I would have a few heated words with someone.... I could usually anticipate being able to forgive in short order. 

But sadly, I also have to admit, there have been a small handful of times (reasoning this through in my mind, I can identify FOUR times (FOUR people) with whom) I have or have had great difficulty to forgive. 

Two of those four total people are the two I have written about so frequently in the recent past.  They hurt me in ways that are difficult to describe.   But that is no excuse.   It is right that I must be able to forgive them.  I have been working hard to develop the mindset of forgiveness for those two. 

I *think* I am making a bit of progress.  Much of the time during the last two weeks..... instead of feeling hurt, feeling angry, feeling resentful towards those two,,,, I have been able to foster feelings of indifference.   Not a perfect example of forgiveness yet... but it is heading in a better direction. 

Pat mentioned this idea to me about forgiving, and I knew it was a right and good notion.  And, I had been working toward this but my mind sometimes would stumble back into the anger and distrust.  But, succinctly stating as I pray the Rosary that I must forgive them with each praryer... has helped me to shift my focus more toward that behavior I want to emulate and adopt. 

Again, another kind of "scattered" post with ideas all over the place.   Again, I am trying to get my thoughts to the page quickly as I keep struggling to catch back up. 

PipeTobacco

P.S.  One final comment.   I meant to mention it yesterday.  Pat stated at the end of a comment.... "You will also notice tomorrow that the readings remind us that each Christian is the temple of God. It doesn't, however, give guidance about burning fragrant incense in that temple! :-)"  I REALLY enjoyed that comment and it gave me a big smile.   I have had the same exact thought about that passage and also about the comparison of fragrant aromatic pipe tobacco to incense many times ever since I was a young kid so many decades ago.

Thoughts Every Which Way

My thoughts are still all over the map.  A big part is from the mandatory "governmental service" from the last few weeks, part of it is several members of my family have a harsh respiratory/flu thing, including my wife.... and I feel a lot of tension about the potential she may go again into pneumonia.  I also worry about me catching whatever this damn thing is, although at the moment I continue to be fine..... unlike my family, I have NOT had aches, chills, high prolonged fever, harsh, non-productive cough, nor lethargy.  But, that has just been another added level of stress to my life in addition to the mandatory "governmental service".  And, even though I worked like a dog all day Sunday, I am still playing catch-up at the U today (and likely tomorrow) to try to bring my life back into some sort of order or balance. 

I am really trying to force myself BACK into the calmer, more predictable, gentler lifestyle I prefer.  I did eek out a bit of time looking at the Catholic Bishop's Mass Readings and along with Pat's reflections on them as well, now feel a bit better about having learned something worthwhile..... even though I still feel annoyed at myself for not succeeding in paying attention at Mass.   I mean, hell, at my age, I should not be struggling with this sort of drift of mind b*llsh*t in myself any longer.  I am trying to view it as situational.... but I am still awfully damn disappointed in myself .... this is the SECOND TIME in a month where I failed at paying attention and striving to learn.

Some of the things I have learned through the Mass Readings and through Pat's comments about the Mass Readings include:

1.  A big part of the Gospel reading was focused on how the Lord is kind and merciful.  And, I can fully understand how important that is.   If He were to grade me on my actual efforts, let along my successes in doing good...... then I hate to think of the piss-poor grade I would get.   I NEED His kindness and mercy, for no matter how carefully I plan and try.... I get tripped up by my own shortcomings again and again. 

2. I think back on how stupid this was of me for the 6-8 months a few years ago, where I avoided like the plague going to confession.   I didn't do this avoidance because I did not want to confess.  I avoided going because I was so ashamed that week after week.... month after month, I would keep seeking forgiveness for the same damn things every, single time.   I am not saying I wanted NEW bad behaviors nor bad actions.   What I mean is I grew so embarrassed that time and time again, it was as if I would go to confession, vow to become better in regards to what I sought forgiveness for, and then almost immediately in that next week.... doing the same damn wrong things again and again.   I was imagining both my priest and God thinking of my confession as a farce since I never became any better.

This was a free-form essay today.   I just wanted to release some of my emotions.   I apologize for grammar inconsistencies if present and also for any incongruencies.   I gave myself only 10 minutes to speed type this out.

PipeTobacco

Brief

Not underwear.... boxers are more comfortable and like I tell my A&P students during the discussions on the reproductive system..... boxers allow for  greater reproductive health for males and increased gamete production.

But, that silliness aside.... I am, as you may guess, struggling quite a bit.  Now that my “Govenmental Service” has officially concluded (more about that in the future), I am having to play all manner of catch-up at my U work.  I came here immediately after Mass.  And I will be here for quite a spell yet.  But, I think, hope, and pray that with this effort, I may return to a more normal routine tomorrow.


Mass was good as always, but I am sad to say my retention was poor.  I will try to determine what I should have been aware of and learned in the next few days if my schedule DOES become more normal.  Thoughts of all sorts have been roiling through my synapses almost non-stop lately.

PipeTobacco

Thinking

Just thinking a lot today.

PipeTobacco

Trying

Trying to work hard.  Trying to use this last day of the “governmental service” stuff wisely.  I will be glad when it ends today.  I may talk about it more soon, but it has been rough.  My pipe dreams last night were very vivid.  I have my pipe again with me today.  But, that is hard too... not sure where I am going with it all, honestly.

PipeTobacco

Just Another

Brief post.... Just another very stressful and chaotic day associated with the ongoing governmental service making my U life excessively chaotic and exhausting.  I am again carrying my pipe with me.  Not sure if it is really a good thing to do or a bad thing.  Fiddling around with it is helpful in many ways, but it is also bringing back a lot of memories and desires to progress with it more fully.

Oh, well.

PipeTobacco

Still...

Still carrying my pipe with me today.  It was oddly comforting in some ways but meloncholic in others.   Some of the seemingly ingrained patterns I miss came to me very naturally.  Although, of course it was not the “complete” experience by any stretch of the imagination.  It felt comfortable and friendly when I would touch it in my pocket or hold it in my hand.  Gripping the stem between my teeth also felt friendly and calming.

Not sure if this is a good long range strategy, or is a bit of a “slippery slope”.... but I will try it again today.

PipeTobacco