The Thoughts of a Frumpy Professor

............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.

Monday, March 18, 2024

Tentant


 

"Tentant" is a Latin word, and it means "to try".  

I have decided that TENTANT is what I must focus on this week for me.  I am still feeling a great deal of the doldrums of the difficult month of March, even though I have past the Ides of March.  As I talked about somewhat the last week and a half, I am feeling a big sense of loss.  I am recalling and remembering a lot of the deaths of loved ones, and feeling their loss.  But, to live in those thoughts is to live akin in an abyss.  That is not what life is supposed to be about.  

When I can get my mind focused and wrapped around the concept, I know damn well that life is MEANT to be a time to WORK, to STRIVE to do good and positive things, a time to do SERVICE to attempt to make life better and kinder.  It is easy to lose sight of that focus, when hurts and hardships, and harshnesses and difficult memories can so easily flood into the mind, and so easily disrupt our focus and our efforts.  

So, March be damned.  I am not serving my love ones I have lost.... I am not serving my living family and friends.... I am not serving my students.... I am not serving my community.... I am not serving my faith..... IF I LET these harsh feelings and harsh emotions rule over my mind and prevent me from what I SHOULD do.

So, the oft-used phrase of "picking myself up by my bootstraps" happens again TODAY.  I will force myself to get back up to snuff.

My work for today is the "usual" teaching (only 3 hours today), but a special emphasis this afternoon will be in organizing some of the needed animal use applications for research done as well, so I can get some of my students off and running on some new projects associated with my most recent grant.  I have as a goal, the completion of at least 1/2 of the applications before I leave for the day.  

Other varied thoughts:

  • I POUNDED OUT as fast a 10 miles as I could this morning.  I do find that the effort does help me shed some of the gloom.
  • I have set an appointment to talk with the specific duo of my researchers who procrastinated and really were not focused nor motivated.  I am going to give them "the talk" to see what is their future.  They are both thinking more about jobs, socialization, etc.... and not planning for their future.  
  • I was able to talk with the "cigar fellow" from Mass this past Saturday.  He was wondering why I hadn't been out there, as I had told him of my interest.  Unfortunately, because of my work at the U, the "club" (just a bunch of guys who get together to talk and smoke cigars) he belongs to there, meets at noon on Thursdays..... and so for the time being I am unable to go.  Most of the fellows are already retired, so the time is of little consequence.  I told him, that I am looking forward to going as soon as I can.  I told him, however, that I likely will not have an open Thursday from work until the end of April.  He even told me Saturday, as a manner of encouragement before I told him of my work schedule, that I could smoke my pipe there since I had told him earlier that I had relatively modest experience with cigars as I was primarily a pipe smoker.  He remembered that part and was trying to encourage me, I think, thinking that I was hesitating about cigars.  (Late addendum.... his mentioning my pipe smoking made me smile, as I felt glad he was interested enough in having me join the group that he remembered that detail.  It felt nice to have that encouragement.)
  • My wife and I are going swimming (I hope) late this afternoon.  It should be refreshing.  

I have to get to doing more work.  I have been listening to Ian Anderson's works lately.  He is most famous for his leading of the group, Jethro Tull.  However, he has a lot of music of various sorts.  (Late addendum.... just to make sure.... I very much enjoy Jethro Tull.  But, I also greatly like Ian Anderson's other work as well.  I did not want anyone thinking I was being in any way disparaging about Jethro Tull.)

PipeTobacco 

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Semi-Important Thought


 

It occurred to me while running this morning, that a REASON I am not fond of the idle chit-chat at the sorts of dinners I have this week is (besides being an introvert) because I tend to not talk A LOT at these sorts of things.  I am not generally a person who will easily or willingly just rattle off the myriad of thoughts that are going on in my head.  Some people can do that READILY.  Some folks have what I guess can be called a "gift of gab" where they can simply keep up a continual, extemporaneous, exogenous dialogue of whatever pops into their mind.  

That is NOT me.  While I have (what seems like) 852 billion thoughts percolating through my mind at any given moment much of the day, I need to precisely and carefully select which (if any) of those thoughts are ones that become verbalized.  SELECTING thoughts to discuss is exhausting in "mixed company" ("mixed company" in this context means basically any folks in a social setting who are NOT family, friends, or work associates).  There are also all the "contextual" considerations of a) who may find which thought interesting or boring, b) which "code" to adopt in speaking (should I pepper my speech with the blue collar malapropisms and slang I grew up with, should I use my "professorial" diction and tone, should I adopt my "dad joke" style of speech,  etc.), c) how loud or soft to speak to an "intimate" table of 8 folks (the typical U seating arrangement) that allows others at the table to hear, but does not unnecessarily contribute more noise to the din of the banquet room by mixing in more sound to the chaotic cornucopia already going on.... and many more considerations.  

So, what I do for the most part is LISTEN.  And I am a DAMN GOOD listener.  I listen so carefully and so intently that I could often repeat verbatim the conversation at a table.  What I mean by this is that I actually PAY ATTENTION to what folks are saying. Some folks DO NOT do this.  It matters not if the conversation is inane and nonsensical or if it is a doctoral dissertation..... if I am needing to LISTEN, listen I DO, dammit.  And, so, it is very much the norm that folks who like to talk.... LOVE to talk to me, because I do listen and do hear them.  But, at a table of eight folks with a whole helluva lot of random talking back-and-forth, it is EXHAUSTING and damn near overwhelming to listen and remember the details of every single person's story.  But, it is how I am wired.  In conversation, I do not "weed out" (aka ignore) some folks, nor some folk's DETAILS.... perhaps out of worry/concern that I will ignore something that was meaningful to that person. And to have that worry/concern that I ignored someone would be further exhausting. 

But, that is why, as an introvert, after a "social" event of this nature, I am wiped out.  I am a relatively noise-sensitive person to begin with, but after a social event, I need QUIET.  

To not be ALL GLOOMY today, I have to end with what I consider a somewhat funny story of one of my beloved uncles, Uncle Chet (Chester).  Later in life, when he grew harder of hearing, he aquired the standard style of hearing aids of that time frame (1980s).  These hearing aids had a small dial on their side that (with your fingertips) you could rotate to adjust the volume.  My Uncle's wife (my aunt of course was a bit of a stereotype, and her Italian heritage (and slight Italian accent she gleaned from her parents who WERE actual immigrants from Italy) was displayed in her personality of being a very loud talker, who used her hands a lot when talking.  She also tended to be very directive to my Uncle (liked to tell him what to do and how to behave).  Well, my Uncle and Aunt would argue occasionally, and just because he KNEW it would annoy her during an argument, my Uncle would make a very purposeful gesture with his hands, to turn off the volume of his hearing aids when he didn't want to hear what my Aunt was saying.  She would get SO exasperated.  I am not really sure if he DID actually turn down/off the volume on his hearing aids or not.... but I know he at least pretended to do so.        

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Low

 

I am feeling very low emotionally.  I am trying to pull myself out of it, but not having a lot of success currently.  I feel TOO busy.  I feel TOO much like my life is being a "robot".  I feel as if I have no time to live an actual life as much of what I am doing of late is just getting things DONE, usually at the last moment, in order to just keep things going.  

I know in my mind that these feelings are from a) getting over and through the disruptive meeting I had undergrad students present their finding at.... and their last minute focus and last minute panic that I had to guide them through, b) March is always a sh*tty month in terms of memories of hard, sad things, c) the added focus on the harshness of March due to the suicide that I mentioned in the prior post that further stoked the memories and feelings and thoughts about that 30 year ago suicide by my niece, and d) the need to attend some yearly U functions this week that just disrupt my schedule and time (these are some "care & share" dinners where there are awards presented (and I have to go to them because I am getting an award) but is really in most regards to me, each dinner is just a three hour period of torturous, idle, "small talk" and "chit-chat" that drains me of energy.  Introverts NEED to decompress from these sorts of things.

As an introvert by nature, it may seem odd that most of my day-to-day is in talking and lecturing to folks.  And, perhaps it is odd.  But, I have grown over the decades to be able to do (and enjoy) lecturing and teaching.  Idle "chit-chat", however, is still something that by-and-large has me feel uncomfortable. There is a bar at both of these events, so that typically helps to "lubricate" my tongue a bit and I can grapple with the idle chit-chat and even probably am perceived as "charming" in my frumpy, sort of way.  But.... it is DRAINING.

PipeTobacco

Monday, March 11, 2024

Suicide


I have been feeling rather low the last several days.  I have much to say about MANY things, but today I will focus on this:

A young adult kid of a family my wife and I have watched on television occasionally over the years committed suicide last week.  It was shockingly unexpected by the family.  

Even though I only knew of this family (and this kid) through a television program, this death stirred up a lot of emotions in me. Suicide is a horrific thing, and a family that experiences suicide is forever changed.

The emotions this first stirred up in me were of the emotions I felt about my niece, who committed suicide 30 years ago now. She was 17 when she ended her life.  I can only imagine what she could have/would have become today as a 47 year old if she had not chosen this path.  

I tend to try to not think about her suicide much any more because it does not really have any benefit to do so.  It simply brings up the sadness of the loss of her, it brings up a great deal of anger that she did this, it pains me to see how it has changed many facets of my larger, extended family.  

With the news of the television kid's suicide last week, it brought all those emotions back to the surface.  As I have stated before, the year that was 30 years ago was the worst year I have ever experienced.  Several deaths of relatives occurred that damnable year in addition to my niece (my Dad, two close uncles, my major professor/mentor, an extremely close family friend).  Those sad feelings too have resurfaced.  

And, it caused a resurgence in my dislike of March, for over the many years, a much higher than normal percentages of deaths I and my family have experienced have been in this month of March.  My Dad, my Mom, one of my uncles, two aunts.  My wife experienced the miscarriage of one of our kids in March as well.  Several cousins also passed away in March. 

Then, even though they were more recent, the suicide of one of my colleague/friends, and the deaths of three others .... all of these since Covid started.... those memories also flooded back.  

None of the above is new news, other than the television kid who committed suicide.  But, it does not mean the emotions are not difficult.  I am trying to figure out how to put these emotions "back on the shelf" so as to just carry on.  As much damn sorrow the above produces, it does no damn good to try to do anything BUT put the emotions "back on the shelf".  They do not "go away" as that is impossible.  But, they can be managed.  I need to wrangle them back in.  I think just writing (at least) the main points out here is a way I can help myself get them "back on the shelf".

I ran an extra hard (tried to be faster) 13.1 miles (~21 km) this morning on the damn track to stomp out the emotions and pain as well.  It is called carrying on.  

I will just keep on trying to carry on. Some folks try to suggest suicide is a "noble" thing or that it is a "right" that people should have.  But I think suicide is the sh*tt**st thing a person can do to people that they love. 

PipeTobacco       

Tuesday, March 05, 2024

Practice & Practice


 

Running was nice this morning.

Today will be a day of tremendous practice with my students.  I am hoping each team is prepared enough to do a good job with only needing polishing for their talks.  But, it is possible that the one group may still be unfocused, which may mean today will be a long day.  

I think my wife and I will go to a restaurant to eat tonight.  It is likely we will go to a place in our region that is a primarily "Chinese" place, but it has a bit of diversity straying into other cuisines as well.  The hallmark of this place (for me) is not the prepared dishes, but the option they also have of creating a dish of your own choosing using a pseudo Teppanyaki style of cooking.  At this place, fortunately (for me), the actual perpetration occurs behind a glass wall at one side of the restaurant to limit the heavy frying odor that many choose and use a lot of oil (not my favorite odor).  

The true hallmarks, however, are that you have a "salad bar" style arrangement to pick your vegetables, meats, noodles, spices, etc for this Teppanyaki style.... and you simply bring a plate of what you would like them to prepare for you.  

In my own case and style, I typically choose every vegetable available.... zucchini, onions, bell peppers, broccoli, carrots, cabbage, mushrooms, water chestnuts, and more, and then add spices of your choosing.  I typically have a very heavy dose of Indian curry, pepper, and a bit of chili (my wife always chooses traditional Chinese spices, meats and noodles in her version).  I forgo noodles and meats, and have been very successful in having them prepare my dish sans oil, by asking them very nicely to add "no oil" whatsoever.  It is wonderfully tasty.

With it I usually have a monster sized salad.  Additionally, I get a side of rice and they have a "sushi" bar as well, and there I typically get 4-6 pieces of fresh spring rolls (not fried), 4-6 pieces of sushi often with a bit of crab, and one piece of some fancier sushi I have not tried before.  Plus, lots of wasabi and ginger on the side.  

I hope it will be a fruitful day... and a nice evening with my wife.

The potential pipe day is only a few days away.  Keeping fingers crossed.

PipeTobacco  

Monday, March 04, 2024

The Roughly Nine Months


 

Roughly, nine months is the gestational period for human development in utero.  At the moment, we are close to that same gestational period in the U.S. for the election of our next president.  If this upcoming election cycle were to be equated with a pregnancy, I am of the opinion that this next nine months of election "pregnancy" will undoubtedly be amongst the most chaotic, destabilizing period of time I have ever experienced in all my many, many years. 

I never ascribed to the "never trust anyone over 30" crap that was a common phrase in the late 1960s.  It always rang of ageism to me then and still does.  Yet, ageism is again at play, this time universally applied to both presidential candidates.  Age is NOT the problem.  In my opinion, Nikki Haley is a loon for having that be the (feeble) focus of her (useless) campaign.  I do not think age discrimination is a good strategy.   

I cannot imagine how the next nine months will unfold with the two nominees. While I will assuredly vote for Biden, polls thus far show Trump ahead of Biden.  Various other thoughts:

  • If Trump were to win, it would be a new "Grover Cleveland" occurrence, only the second time where a president experienced two non "back-to-back" presidencies.
  • Regardless of who wins, polls suggest that little would change in the House or Senate, and basically we would stay mired in another four years of gridlock with minimal substantive work occurring.   

I think the next nine months may truly be the most chaotic time our nation has ever experienced.  

PipeTobacco
 

Friday, March 01, 2024

A Mind of Hidden Ideas

I am too embroiled in the coaxing and cajoling phase for my undergraduate researchers in the moment to actually expound on the myriad of thoughts I have been having since receiving my notification about my grant being approved. 

But, I can say I have many exciting (to me) ideas about how I may be able to utilize these funds to do all sorts of wonderfully intriguing things.  And, one of these things, that my be only a pipe dream, but also may be able to BECOME reality.... is that I may have enough focus from this grant to actually write a damn BOOK!  Not an article (they will come), not a chapter (yawn), but a whole damn book!  Again, it may be a pipe dream, but right now it feels do-able.  

It will take a lot of work, of course, but also a lot of organization.  So, we will see.  

I was reaching in my pocket for my keys to get back into my office earlier.  There was a student out front waiting for me to "talk" about his grade.  I reached into my pocket and as I drew out my keys, part of the chain holding some of my many, many keys in a somewhat unified mass must have caught on the Zippo lighter in my pocket, and the lighter popped out onto the floor and clanged around a fair amount.  The kid looked down to the floor due to the noise, and then he asked with an odd hint of surprise in his voice, "You, have a lighter?"  

Not being quite sure which direction he was coming from with that question, as he could have been meaning the question/statement from a host of different angles (he could have been anti-smoking, pro-smoking, pro-camping, hell, perhaps pro-marijuana, or who knows what the inflection in his voice was about)..... I did not know how to frame my response.  As I ushered him through my outer office door, I simply said, "Yes, and perhaps another 5 of them at home." 

The POTENTIAL for a visit to the pipe shop on my way back from this regional meeting next week is still a possibility!  No research kids have thus far asked me for a ride.  Other aspects of the meeting still seem "ok" for this pipe shop possibility as well!  

PipeTobacco