The Thoughts of a Frumpy Professor

............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Post Toasties

I am sitting on the back porch, watching the dog, pipe in hand after completing my five mile run, and I feel contemplative, but part of me wants to avoid contemplation.  I feel emotionally more average than I have in several weeks, but I am not the contented, happy person I wish to be either.

During this time since before Thanksgiving, I felt a low that was so harsh.  I wanted to run and hide and not be out or do anything or work at anything.  I was scared, tired, distraught, and very, very feeling utterly alone and unable to cope.  During this time, I still did all that I was supposed to do.  I took care of my family, I worked, I ran, I tried to do what was needed of me.  But, it was so utterly hard.  It seemed every thing was a huge chore.  The only reprieve I had was sleep.  And, sleep was filled with nightmares, or if there were NO nightmares, the moment I awoke, the clenching of my stomach and the rise in stress hormones made waking a harsh, almost unbearable time as well.

My FIL is in rehab.  He is doing "ok" but he needs to try harder to get stronger.  He basically does what he is told but no additional effort to try to get better.  So, I do not know what will become of him yet.  He is weak at the moment.

I really do not know how or where to proceed.  It is better being in a "nothing" state of mind, but that is not what I want for my days.  But, I am afraid to hope or to plan.  I am still exhausted just getting done what has to be done.  There are two more hard weeks left of the semester.  But then, during my break, I fully anticipate a couple of dozen crises will probably happen to spoil my limited time away from the U.

Life goes on, I guess.

PipeTobacco

Friday, December 01, 2017

Middle

I am not crying all the time anymore.  I am simply existing in a nebulous state.  It is an improvement. I wish I felt joy. But I will accept lack of emotion as much more of a relief than what I had been feeling.

PipeTobacco

Sunday, November 26, 2017

I Do Not Know

I have been saying and praying this for days, so I thought I would write it here.  Please God, help me.  I am fearful and sad and scared.  I cannot keep the sadness at bay. I am unable to see the happiness.  I ask you to please help me see happiness and to protect me and my family.  Please.  I want to be doing good things.  I want to make a difference that is positive.  I am just so very afraid and unable to see a way out of my despair.  Please help me.  Please help me.  Please help me to see and feel my life of happiness again.  Please help me in my troubles.  Please help me to not feel shame.  Please help me to not feel the loss of myself.  Please help me to not be hurt.  Pleas help me and help my family.  Please.  I try to be a good person.  I try so very hard.  Please help me.  Please help me.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Just Doing

Things have not changed much since my last post.  Still my FIL is in a nebulous state.  Still I am feeling really sad, scared, and depressed.  I still do all that I am supposed to... work, running, family life.  But I feel like an empty shell.  I am scared of the day-to-day living.

PipeTobacco

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Ok

My FIL is doing "ok" physically.  We are still unsure how much he wants to strive to regain his strength, so continued thoughts and prayers are very welcomed.

For me personally, I have hit a low emotionally.  I am still going through the motions of all the crap I am supposed to do.  But, especially starting yesterday with an idiotic issue at work, I have been so, so, so very sad and upset and I do not know how to dig myself out of it.  It is really a bad situation.  I have been crying.  I have been sleeping more, I have no appetite.  I have no joy.  I cannot seem to shake it.  I know it has been only a day.... but it has hit hard.  I want to go crawl in a hole and vanish.  Or, I want to leave and never look back.  I feel paralyzed because I cannot figure out a way to shake myself out of this.  It is so hard.  I am trying to put on a brace face of "normalcy" but it is so, so hard. I feel emotionally in agony and I do not know what to do.

PipeTobacco

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Stone Removed

My FIL had his surgery to have his kidney stone removed yesterday. The surgery went well, but his mood has been very bleak the last several days.  He should be fine now, but has to work to get his strength back.  But, I am not sure he is going to try
.  It saddens me.  I hope he works hard and tries.  He can have everything back if he chooses to now.  Hopes and prayers are still great fully appreciated.

PopeTobacco

Thursday, November 09, 2017

Relative Calm...

My father-in-law seemed stronger yesterday.  He was talkative and alert, so that seems wonderful and he ate pretty well.  He still has a lot of things going on and we are not sure of the outcomes, but it felt that things were stable and slightly improved.  Thoughts and prayers are still greatly appreciated!!!

It was 22 degrees today during my 5 mile run.  Yes, even though I have not talked about it of late, I have still kept to my 28-30 miles of running every week.  It was cold today, but it was still. I've to be outside.  Today, however, we are anticipated to get slushy, wet snow.  And, with the cold enough temperatures expected tomorrow morning, which are anticipated to be around 20 or so, it may be too slippery for me to run outside tomorrow.  So I have to prepare to head to the indoor track and run my 50 laps to get my 5 miles in.  It is definitely not as fun as outside, but it will be safer if it is as slippery as it may be.

We have a dreaded and argumentative all damn day long retreat (meeting) tomorrow.  It is a horrible and hurtful experience I despise.  I am going to indulge in adult libations at its conclusion to lick my wounds and to drown my sorrows.

PipeTobacco