Darkness

My mood and my emotions have been in a very dark place the last while.  I am tending to see (or perhaps re-realize?) that a significant factor (perhaps not the only one) in the "darkness" I am feeling relates to being in a timeframe where I lose much of my own sense of a "feeling of autonomy".  And, what I believe is the major culprit in this loss of autonomy is regarding my having a sense of having some sort of control over my time.  The last few weeks have been mostly moving from one task to the next, with each movement to a new task being done because of that task's required deadline and timing.  This has literally been pretty much my life for the last few weeks from the moment my feet hit the floor until I can collapse in bed.

Having every moment of my waking hours being regulated and shaped by deadline after deadline after deadline is just zapping the energy out of me and draining my spirit.  

Even the THREE things I have forced myself to MAINTAIN during this time, because they traditionally are joys and emotionally helpful to me have been feeling "pressurized" and in some ways just ADDING to my loss of autonomy.  And, for these good things to do that, makes no damn sense:

1.  Running - I have continued to run.  I do so because I am glad I can do so.  I do so because it is a healthy activity.  And, I do so because it is the best way that I can find to decrease stress.  BUT... in the last few weeks, it has been simply a chore that I grind out.  I grind it out because IN ORDER to be able to FIND TIME to run, I have to get up so damn early that it is dark outside (I use a headlamp) in order to get this done before I then have to hustle my *ss further to get ready to get to the U and begin to hit all those deadlines.

2.  Retiree's Cigar Group - I have gone, but during these weeks it has been somewhat of a STRUGGLE to do so because of all the other damn deadlines I have throughout the day.  It does not feel as "freeing", nor as "fun", nor as "relaxing" when getting to the shop (in a neighboring town) itself means I have to feel pressure of a) getting enough of my morning deadlines accomplished at the U so that I CAN leave briefly to go to the group, and b) that the guys meet at a SPECIFIC time (while logical) also in these last couple of weeks feels in some ways just like another damn deadline I have to meet.

3.  Mass - I love going to Mass, and it is tremendously important to me.  BUT, in the last couple of weeks, having to meet the timing to get to Mass has been rankling at me.  It feels like another deadline.  And, with the requirement (set by Parish Committee) that volunteers (like I am) have to be at church 20 minutes BEFORE Mass starts (for mumbo-jumbo nonsense).... just adds more pressure that just continually grates at my already frustrated mind.  

So.  I know I need to fix the above.  And by fixing the above, I mean I have to fix ME.  I am going to try my damndest to eek out some time this weekend to figure out at least some ways to get at least SOME of my own time autonomy back.  My life CANNOT continue to simply be jumping through hoop after hoop struggling to go from one task and rushing off to get to the next task and its damnable deadline.... day after day after day.  I cannot just be a robot completing tasks every moment of the day.  It just cannot stay like this.

PipeTobacco