Melancholy

 

I am feeling rather melancholy today.  I woke up that way. It has made me feel rather "fragile" emotionally.

It was only 30 degrees F ( -1 degree C) outside, and I did not want to bundle up, so I decided to go to the indoor track to do hamster loops this morning.  I had quite a bit of worry at the track, for I was imagining tripping and falling while running.  I did persevere and did the full 10 miles (~16 km) like usual, but I was especially diligently focusing on making sure I ran with very consciously picking up my feet fully and NOT letting my toes "dip" in any way.  Most of the times I have tripped previously have been when I caught the toe of my shoe on a rock or obstruction or something similar.

While running, I did pray the rosary and listened to Mass Music.  One of my favorite Mass Hymns came up in two different versions on my Pandora today.  The song is Marty Haugen's "Shepherd Me O God"

Shepherd Me O God (Haugen)

This song always has me re-realize how I so much need to move beyond my own selfishness and be so much more the servant I am meant to be.  

Another thing that has me feeling quite a bit of melancholy this morning, was while taking my dog out to allow her to eat breakfast and also complete her morning constitutional (go to the bathroom).  

Our dog is used to eating her main dog food meals OUTSIDE and has done so her whole life, as long, long ago I had read of this being part of a technique to more successfully potty train a puppy.   The basic idea was to give the puppy its food outside nearby (NOT IN)  the place where the puppy would also be desired to "go potty".  So, for her whole life, she has eaten her food with me sitting beside her on the back porch at her breakfast and at her dinner, and then she could go meander off (on her string) into the backyard to accomplish her bathroom needs.  She has a string (cable) attached to her collar because (especially in the early morning and the evening (which are her feeding times), we often have many wild creatures meander through our yard..... many opossum, deer, skunks, woodchucks, and even a fox on a few occasions.  She (like most dogs, or at least most dogs I have had in my lifetime), will spy the "intruder" and chase after it like a bat-out-of hell barking cacophonously.  But, the string (cable) prevents her from reaching the "intruder" who is inevitably near the fence of our yard.  Our dog is a bit odd though.... most dogs want to be aggressive and chase the intruder away.  Our dog instead...... goes absolutely frenetic because she is EXCITED and presuming the creature to be a new friend.  As she runs out on her string to the "invader" her tail is wagging so furiously that it seems she would wiggle out of her skin, she is so happy and excited... and barking.   

So, why have I been melancholy?  It is because I was thinking again about how my beloved dog is now 13 years old.  I had actually thought she might be older, but I found her initial papers from her first visit to our Veterinarian.  But, 13 is quite old for most dogs, including my beloved Wheaton terrier.   I recognize my time with her is limited, and when I think of how soon that "limited" may become "none", it makes me incredibly sad.  Even just writing about it now is bringing tears to my eyes.  I mean, she is still a vibrant, 34 pounds of fluff, energy, and enthusiasm, but I unfortunately know the reality of her age.  I have had nightmares of finding her in the morning....  having passed while sleeping on our bed with us. I have had nightmares where she suddenly begins to howl in pain and agony, and in the nightmare as I am rushing her as fast as I can in my truck to the vet... I am sobbing in agony as I just "know" there will be nothing that can be done and the vet will recommend she be "put down".  

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