Cage

This past weekend was a wonderful respite and return to normalcy.  So peaceful and so relaxing.

Sadly, as much as I have tried to avoid these feelings, I am in a current state where I feel as if I am in a cage, a prison.  I feel quite abundant anxiety.

I am feeling anxiety due to the "unknowns" about this upcoming Easter weekend.  The unknowns revolve around how our one kid may "shape" things.  I just do not trust how this one kid of ours will behave.  It could be acceptable, or it could be horrible.  And, this not having trust, nor confidence, nor faith in how this kid may behave has ramped up my anxiety.  

I had tried to "ignore" the upcoming holiday, but my wife is now consistently talking about, and fussing about, and planing the "festivities" as it were, for this holiday.  So, this constant chatter keeps the feelings of anxiety at the forefront of my mind.  

I truly wish it were the Monday after Easter, so all this would be in the past.  

As I am certain some will suggest the "exclusion" of the kid who is unpredictable.  But, that is easier said than done, as my WIFE wants us to ALL be together... including various in-laws which further increases my anxiety about the situation.  So, there is this dichotomy between us.  Who am I to deny my wife what she would want?  But, she also does not consider the potential outcomes.  I unfortunately fear the majority of the outcomes I can envision.

Yet,  I acquiesce fully to my wife, as in a perfect world, I too would us to all happily be together. 

But, the lack of trust, lack of confidence about a positive or happy outcome, nor any faith that the time will have joy.... it just makes my anxiety skyrocket.  

I have hated holidays, birthdays and the like for the last four years for just this reason.  Not being able to trust.... is just excruciating.  I keep trying to tamp down the anxiety, but I fear it will increase through the week.  I wish it were Monday morning after Easter.

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