Not as Much Eeyore

 

I am not as much of an "Eeyore" today as I was yesterday.  I am still not "up-to-snuff" where I would like to be emotionally, but I have been able to reason through and accept that I am in the midst of a reliably and damnably emotionally difficult time of the year for me.  The perspective that much of this is ROUTINE at first thought is damn depressing, but it also ends up being a bit of a "comfort" as it were.... in that I can recognize that it SHOULD EVENTUALLY PASS.  

The bad....

• This one meeting that specializes in being a great, first "stepping stone" venue for UNDERGRADUTE students to present research at always falls in March.  And, no matter how hard I try to make this process smoother for ME and for my UNDERGRADUATES who are novices.... it is always the same challenge filled with very late nights of number crunching, hand-holding, and a lot damn work that always happens at the last possible minute.  I get it.  I really do.... it is part and parcel of the undergraduate experience.  They are trying their damndest to get things done appropriately and timely, but all manner of situations regularly befall them to keep it consistently something that needs LOTS OF LAST MINUTE support from me.  I truly love working with them to help them grow, but this array of late-night March days in the last two weeks before the conference saps joy from my soul.  But, I keep trying to focus on how my guidance helps them to become more of whom they want to be.  It is far easier for me with regard to my GRADUATE students, and hell, even for the seasoned undergraduates.   
• The weather.... in my neck of the woods it is usually still typically "horse dung"-like all through this month and even into April in many years.  My body no longer wants nor enjoys the cold, the fight against snow, the bitter winds that chap and chafe my hands, my face.  
• The deaths... when I look back on it, of the historical context of loved ones who have died, and I miss greatly..... I am estimating that at least 50%, perhaps as much as 60% have passed away in the wretched month of March.   The thoughts, the memories of the harshnesses of passing SO FREQUENTLY in this damn month flavor my mind like a bitter pill.

The above churn in my mind and weaken my spirit so regularly this time of year, I would think I would more readily recognize this pattern.  But, every year, it captures me off-guard.  

I am just trying to ACCEPT getting through this month is hard, and to try to focus on better times that will hopefully come.  It is my fate and my lot at the moment, and yet at least trying to focus beyond it to a future happier time is my effort at the moment.  

The one "relatively" consistent positive I have mostly maintained is going to the Retiree's Cigar Group each Thursday.  I have persisted in working to the best of my ability to not allow things to infiltrate that and have me push it aside.  Yes, I am OFTEN late (necessity ~1/2 the year because of teaching schedule), sometimes extremely late..... but I have only MISSED going a few times (during the crisis parts of my wife's knee challenge).  

My maintenance of going to the Retiree's Cigar Group is a positive, I believe for me.  While I have an awfully close to ABSOLUTE consistency with attending Mass (I do not believe I have missed any weekly Mass nor Feast Day Mass since Covid closures, and I believe it was several years before Covid that I missed a Mass due to extreme illness), the Retiree's Cigar Group is NOT of a REAL importance in my life like Mass truly is.... but the RCG is a MEANINGFUL experience for me, and when I do not go, I do feel the loss.  

So, I am hopeful that I will again go today..... I hope so.

And, I am better coping with and resigned to the harshness that is going to continue for another week... with the help of me focusing on the potential for a better future.

PipeTobacco