Nitty Gritty & More

 

Ok, with scant energy reserves, I thought today would be best accommodated by talking in bullet points:

• SIL - yesterday, she received news from her clinician that she needs to begin dialysis.  This is of course devastating to her, her family, my wife, and me.  Of course, the procedure will take a bit of time to get started and there will be surgeries, trainings, and all manner of things before it becomes an actual task that occurs.  The normal procedure is to get things started first by having a port implanted in the neck to begin dialysis and trainings, but within the first 90 days or so a second, more invasive surgery is needed to insert a fistula for longer term use.  We are all devastated by this prognosis. 

• MIL - was having new hallucinations yesterday, and we worry she may have an infection (UTIs tend to seem to correlate strongly with her beginning to hallucinate).  

• Offspring Item #1 -  the person I no longer write about had need of a vehicular repair which we (I & my wife) paid for, and we retrieved the vehicle.  On the way home, said vehicle had a transmission failure and it so happened as I was driving it on the busiest, most chaotic, multi-lane roadway in our city.  I could not move the vehicle at all.  I was stuck in the middle of traffic with flashers on for ~ an hour until a tow truck was able to arrive and transport the vehicle back for repair.

• Offspring Item #2 - illogical, very poorly thought out decisions and ideas by an offspring, who has suddenly, out of nowhere decided to completely upend the plans she has been working diligently and successfully towards for years to do something entirely different because she suddenly began to feel tired of "things" as they were.  

• Offspring Item #3 - another one of our offspring is set to begin an overseas trip in the next few days and was in a "panic mode" of worry, and trying to pack, etc.  This item was the more minor stress yesterday compared to the others.  

So, a whole helluva lot of chaos, grief, and worry yesterday.  

* * * * * 

So, other items:

• Yesterday, before all the chaos, I felt like I really did not want to run outdoors for two reasons 1) the air quality index was reporting a high number (high = poor air quality) in our region,  and b) the thought of running in the intense sun yesterday (I overslept to about 7:15am and it was already extremely sunny and hot) seemed overwhelming.  I had already gotten some sun the day before yesterday and my face and neck had a bit of reddishness, and that was a cloudy day. So, I decided to go to the indoor track... filtered air, air conditioning, and no sunlight.  I was hoofing out miles, and then all of a sudden I stumbled (the front tip of my shoe contacted the track, I must have not been lifting my foot sufficiently) and fell hard onto the track.  I hit both on my rib-cage (knocked the wind out of me), and my elbows.  The track is on the second floor surrounding the perimeter of a large basketball gymnasium.  When I fell, it knocked my lap clicker out of my hand and it clattered around and through the fence of the track and then clattered down to the first floor gymnasium below.  I slowly got up, making sure nothing was too badly damaged on my body, shuffled off downstairs to retrieve my clicker, and said "To hell with it." and left.  I had ran only 5.1 miles (~ 8km).  

I went home, washed and drove to the U.  Then all the sh*tty stuff above began to happen the rest of the day.  

• By the time I finished with the transmission failure, my nerves and emotional state were beyond shot.  My wife wanted to go see/talk with her sister, so I went back to the U (I had left most everything on in my office and lab, thinking I was going back to do work after the "easy" planned pickup of the vehicle... which then failed on the way back.  I know it may sound utterly stupid and foolish, but the hour I waited with the damn vehicle before the tow truck arrived shot my nerves to hell well beyond what had already transpired during the day.  Again, I can recognize it was utterly stupid and foolish TODAY, but while waiting with that damn vehicle, all I could feel was a complete sense of FAILURE.  Stupid though it is, I was weeping while I sat in the damn vehicle, cursing at myself all the while for all my many shortcomings.  And while the shortcomings are true, weeping and cursing about them accomplishes nothing.  

• When I got back to the U, I was too damn emotionally drained to be able to concentrate on anything, so I shut down my computers and the things running in the lab, and then went to the U Fitness Center and pounded out 5 miles (~8km) on the U's indoor track. I was able to stomp out some of the grief, some of the anxiety, and some of the shame I felt.  

• Last night, my wife and I were rather quiet from all the emotional turmoil, but we had a pleasant dinner and watched a bit of television. 

• This morning, it was densely cloudy and gently rainy.  Even though I was sore from the fall yesterday, I was able to hoof out 11.3 miles (~18 km) in the gentle rain.  

• I do not know what to think/do about the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow.  Part of me desperately wants to go, hoping it would be a way to potentially bridge safely what I am missing.  But, there are also a lot of worries, a) What if I do not fit in?  That would feel sad. b) I am not sure if the friend from Mass will be there or not because he wasn't at Mass this past week.  He may be visiting a daughter in California.  He would be a valuable segue for me into the group, but if he is not there? c) all the worries about my SIL, MIL, and the damn vehicle also give me pause.  I want to go, but I am not sure if I SHOULD go nor if it is responsible of me to go amidst all this.  I do have to admit  I feel nervous about "fitting in" and would hate to fail at another thing this week.

PipeTobacco