Trying to Shake It Off
I woke up in a bad mood, mostly from nightmares about "scenarios" my mind about what this weekend may entail. It really has not promoted a happy start to the day.
As I know I cannot KNOW what will transpire this weekend, I need to try to find some way to shake off this mood, which is easier said than done. But, I will try to immerse myself in work. It really is the ambiguity about how this weekend will be (either "ok" or horrible) that is fermenting in my mind, hence the reason for the nightmares, I suppose.
Ultimately it is the lack of trust that hurts and has me on edge. I do not trust that this kid will behave in a manner that is appropriate. This kid MIGHT do so, or MIGHT NOT do so. And, this lack of trust I have has me feel all sorts of emotions about this kid. I of course love this kid and have always done so, but in the last four or so years, I also have a great deal of anger and resentment and worry and pain and grief.
I am hoping that STATING the above here, will help me "get it out of my head" for a while, like it did earlier in the week (temporarily).
PipeTobacco
1 Comments:
Professor, it sounds as though the other people you'll be seeing this weekend all desire the kid's presence and value what the kid brings to your gatherings. Is there some way for you to see the kid's presence through their eyes and make your peace with it in that way? You very appropriately don't share exact details about why this kid's behavior worries you so, but apparently it doesn't worry the others as it worries you, so perhaps -- without your excusing or accepting the behavior -- you could somehow contextualize it in terms of how others tolerate or accept it? In fact, is it possible that the kid chooses to "press your buttons" differently than others' precisely in order to gain some kind of validation or pushback that wouldn't come if you could see things through your other family members' eyes and give the kid room to hold to whatever different values, standards, or conduct may bother you but be tolerable to those around you? If so, your letting go of impossible expectations for the kid might actually make your interactions much more pleasant.
And if you can manage this, yet the kid's behavior is still problematic, one hopes that other family members will notice, and either will intervene to correct the behavior, or will come to understand your preference that the kid not be present in future situations that may trigger the problematic behavior.
This weekend you will be celebrating a milestone involving a man who endured the most inappropriate, painful and disrespectful behavior leveled against him. Yet he tolerated it in order to bring the greatest good even to those who abused him. So, if you are worrying about a bad outcome this weekend, perhaps you can lean into that example and forgive the kid, who in all likelihood doesn't fully know what he/she is doing? If you can do so, perhaps you can either defuse any bad situations -- or at least by your example set the stage for the rest of your family to see through your eyes and adjust expectations accordingly involving the kid?
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home