The Thoughts of a Frumpy Professor

............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Still Sick

I am still feeling really rough around the gills.  However, added to this general illness, I am also feeling quite angry and upset at myself and disappointed in myself as well. 

If I were to talk about my feelings for myself to day, it would be simply that I hate and despise myself.  I dislike what I do, and I dislike how I behave.  I was angry today to people that did not need my anger and I am ashamed of that.  I have apologized, but apologies are only a bandaid, for the wound is still there. 

I had so many hopes and dreams and desires for this Spring and Summer.  I feel like a failure and I truly despise myself and everything about me.  If I could easily manage to curl up in a hole and die, I probably would do so. 

I am trying to just wait and the sadness will likely pass, the shame will diminish, the self loathing will decline.  I am at a loss on what to think or do anymore. 



Blogger austere said...

You're so terrible with yourself.
I hope there is a part of you that protests.

Thursday, 03 May, 2012  
Blogger BBC said...

I've followed you long enough to know that you spend a lot of time being disappointed in yourself.

I don't think the problem is all you, I think it's your job and the only way to correct that is to change jobs.

I suspect that you fear changing jobs because you are intrenched and it pays well but is it worth it?

Thursday, 03 May, 2012  
Blogger BBC said...

Being sick doesn't help, it drags you down even further and puts more stress on you. Just say no to demands on your time and take care of yourself. Go away for three days if you have to, and turn your cell phone off.

Thursday, 03 May, 2012  

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