More Randomized Thoughts

 

More random thoughts today, as my mind is all over the map:

• While growing up, and when our kids were young, I always envisioned the Holidays as my wife and I became older.... as becoming more of a fun, relaxing time where family would gather and things would be peaceful and calm, and that we could host gatherings and have kids and grandkids visit and then at the end of the day, folks would go home and my wife and I would peacefully tidy up and enjoy each other's company doing so.  
• The above is unlikely to occur anytime soon if ever.  And, when I (unfortunately) allow myself to think about this, I become sad.
• Mostly what I anticipate for this holiday is my trying as best as I am able.... to manage my own stress.  Basically, what typically transpires is a chaotic mess of stressors from a number of sides.... our kids.... our relatives.... our friends.... where we have various "expectations" we are meant to navigate and do.  My wife has a strong tendency to want to meet all of these expectations.... and most of all.... this leads to continual altering and changing of plans, shifting of duties, shifting of responsibilities.  This constant adjusting and modifying plans keeps me on edge in addition to the other edgy things occurring.  
  
• When what I want to do is rest and to be peaceful and contented, and what actually transpires instead is simply getting things done to "get through it"..... it can be exhausting to my mind and spirit.
• Today (31 years ago) is the evening my niece swallowed a bottle of her parent's high blood pressure medication.  One of her siblings went into her bedroom and awoke her and she was rushed to the hospital and given charcoal and medications to induce vomiting.  She did vomit out much of the medication and was talking with people.  Unfortunately, enough of the hypertensive medication had worked through her system, that overnight her heart stopped and she could not be revived.  She passed away 31 years ago on what would be tomorrow.  If alive, she would now be 48 years old. 
• I still have the present I had bought and wrapped for her stored somewhere.  I had wrapped it the evening before and had packed it into my trusty Rabbit (along with many other presents) the evening before all this transpired.  I lived farther away than at a more distant city I taught at for one year.  I had been so looking forward to Christmas with family that year, as it was only six months earlier that my Dad had passed away in this same year, and I needed to feel the bonding with everyone.  Christmas was not, of course, anything like I had been imagining.  Her funeral, funeral Mass, and her burial were our reality.
• I am just trying to just push through to get to the other side.  It sounds awfully damn pitiful and stupidly maudlin... but I am mainly now looking forward to having the new semester start.... and allowing things to return to a relative sense of normalcy.... even with the work related challenges.  
• Only a small handful of folks were at the Retiree's Cigar Group.  It was enjoyable.  But, I could not really rally and get myself into a sense of "exuberance" or "joy".  I am glad to have gone, but it did not help foster the peace nor tranquility I had hoped.  
• Today I am working to try to get my critters settled away so I only have sporadic U visits to them during the next week or so.  
• I ran (only 5 miles (~8km)) and lifted some weights this morning.  I have started out with a light load that I think I will try to maintain until the start of the year.... to allow my arm and chest muscles used to the added work being expected of them.  At the start of the year, I will work to gradually increase the load bearing levels I am lifting. 
• I look at my pipes, in the various places I have them.  I have the requisite pipe-smoking Santa statue by the round pipe rack in my home office like usual.  I have the Santa hat atop of the glass lid of the pipe tobacco canister in the center of my round pipe rack like usual as well.   But right now, even they seem sad to me.  Only when I drift off to sleep remembering the wonderful times with the many folks I miss, remembering the wonderful times with some folks as they used to be, and remembering the wonderful times with my pipes, am I feeling a calmness.  

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