Kind of Funny Story

 

I had not thought about this is years, but I ended up remembering and telling this story to an in-person friend the other day.... and I thought all of YOU friends might get a little chuckle out of this as well.

As all of you probably already recognize, I am a bit of a "nerd" in some regards.  And, you also likely realize that I am not, nor have never been any sort of "rabble rouser" nor one to purposefully break rules.  In other words, I was not really "cool" in the way a lot of the actually "cool" kids WERE back in my youth.  I am not sure if my growing up experience was different from  most folks of my age.... or if it was.... it may be due to my growing up in a primarily rough-and-tumble, lower socioeconomic class community where the VAST MAJORITY of folks worked hard, blue-collar factory jobs or were farmers.  

Not being "cool" but instead "nerdy" always rankled at my psyche.  I always envied the "cool" kids and felt inferior.  But, it was not in me to do the things the "cool" kids did..... skipping classes, drag racing, "peeling" donuts with their cars, partying, and various other types of mischief.  I did not want to do those things because I did not want to risk bringing shame or worry to my family.

Except ONE TIME.

Besides NOT being "cool", I also DID NOT help my "social standing" with my peers.... because in addition to doing well grade-wise (shudder, the opposite of "cool" in my youth), I WON our school district's SCIENCE FAIR.  And, I was ALSO a damn BAND GEEK (the "cool" faction abhorred that) AND to top it off.... I participated in the school's PLAYS (dammit.... FOUR huge strikes against me).  In one play ("Fiddler on the Roof") I was a side character, Motel Kamzoil, the Tailor. And, in my high school, baby-faced youth, I had a mustache and beard glued onto my face for the performances.  

Another "right of passage" that also tended to be "significant" in my high school cohort and was well established in the "cool" crowd was underage drinking.  Again, I stayed clear of that (and lost even more social status) because I did not want to disappoint, shame, or worry my family.  

So.... eventually I graduated high school, very high up in my class's ranking (again, very "uncool"), and prepared for the frightening idea of going to college.... feeling what would now be labeled "low self-esteem" because of my complete "lack of coolness".   

Being "uncool" stuck with me into college.  I was rankled with feeling "inferior".  But, my "compass setting" was what it was/is.  

Except ONE TIME.....

As I was nearing the age of being legally able to drink, I devised a PLAN.  And, here was my "chance" to feel more "cool"... 

Very early after starting college, I started to grow my beard and mustache out.  My beard was reasonably well developed and was brown, but my mustache was initially still rather "peach-fuzz" and mostly blond until I was in my early 20s.  

But.... my plan.... I thought of it a few days before I became "of age" to be able to drink... and made the plan.  I went home for the weekend that had my birthday where I became "legal" to drink.  On the DAY BEFORE my birthday.... I enacted a plan so that  I could be more "cool" by purchasing a bottle of liquor while being underage (remember... this was ONE DAY BEFORE I became "legal" to buy alcohol).  

At home, relatively early in the afternoon, to enact my plan, I made plans to drive across to the seedier side of town to go to a seedier liquor store (that I thought would be less likely to try to card me... and it was also less likely anyone would recognize me over in that part of town) and buy a pint of whiskey.

BUT.... here is the best part in my plan.   I thought this would be a perfect way to add "gravitas" to my visage giving me an "older" look.  This mission needed to employ the help of our family dog, who was a chocolate brown cockapoo... and my head hair was of a similar brown hue.  I very carefully snipped off some of her fur to the right length and.... using the spirit gum I had tucked away from my time in "Fiddler on the Roof", I proceeded to enhance my wispy blondish mustache into a fuller, "bushier" more robust mustache by using the spirit gum to glue in some our dog's chocolate fur to make the appearance of my mustache considerably darker and bushier.  If I did it well, I thought for sure it would make me look a helluva lot older, so that the fellow at the liquor store would not even think to card me.  

I tried to blend the corners of my "puppy-produced mustache" into my youthful beard, which WAS brown, but more of a reddish brown at that young age.  So, even though I didn't necessarily think so at the time..... I suspect "my" deep, very dark brown mustache contrasted rather oddly with my more reddish brown beard. 

I dressed relatively conservatively (older), and brought a pipe along with me too, thinking for sure that too would add further  "gravitas" for the mission.  I put the pipe in the front pocket of an old work jacket of my Dad's that was hanging in the garage.  I put the stem of the pipe down into the pocket, so that the BOWL of the pipe stuck out from the pocket and would be visible.  

I then drove across town to the rough part of the city and parked my vehicle.  I was already rather nervous.... worrying I would get "caught" trying to do this.  But, I got out and went into the liquor store...  

(This is about all I can write today, I will try to finish it up tomorrow.)

PipeTobacco