More Snow

Over today and tomorrow, we are anticipated (again, taken with the rather salty caveat that our television weather-folk tend towards hyperbole, exaggeration and wild speculation) to acquire ~10 inches (~25cm) of new fluffy, white stuff.  We shall see how much time I ultimately have to spend pushing snow around today and tomorrow.  

I am still thinking deeply about what to do as a way to become more attuned to the way my faith directs me to live through my Lenten journey.  I want to work to become the better person I can and should be.  Admittedly, I TRY to figure out my failings and TRY to figure out ways to become better as a human across the entire year..... as I should.  But, the Lenten journey offers me the more coalesced, more focused opportunity and time to try with more energy to become what I should be.

So, what of my many shortcomings would be the most important to focus upon?  Here are things I know:

1.  I am lazy.  I can and do push myself to do things.  But, left to my own desires, I am inherently lazy.

2.  I am unfocused.  It takes me considerable energy to train my mind towards a task.

3.  I do not love sufficiently.  In my mind and in my heart, my emotions roil and boil and are wholly effusive.  Yet, I am very often too tired, too afraid, too exhausted, or too timid to express my love as effervescently as I should be able to do.  Whether this is to my wife, to my kids, to my dog or cat, or in a friendship way to my friends, my co-workers (most of them) or students (most of them).... I FEEL love deeply, but I am not as successful at expressing that love through words nor actions.  

4.  I live in fear.  I believe I end up wasting considerable time in a state of fear.  I fear for my family, I fear about a sense of incompleteness in my relationships (due to my lack of effort), I feel fear about my work, I feel fear about my health, I fear not being able to retire, and yet I also fear retiring, I fear being pointless, and I fear having and continuing to waste my life, or at least not maximizing the life and the opportunities within it I have been given.

The above are the primary thoughts I search through as I try to create my Lenten path this year.  I have recently acquired the "app" (I dislike that term, I would prefer everyone simply say "application") called "Hoopla" so I can check out books electronically from my city's library and read them on my Kindle.  I am searching through a number of Capuchin theology texts to select one that I hope may be helpful to guide me as I continue to try to determine my path.  When I eventually select the primary text (hopefully this weekend), I will try to report on what I find from its pages.  

In the notion of having one of my hoped for three Lenten aspirations be to learn from either refraining from the "Retiree's Cigar Group" or  through refraining from ABSTAINING from my pipes and pipe tobaccos.... I can see strong merits for potential growth in either approach... but I also see a variety of risks... risks mostly in my own limited fortitude.  I fear I would lose the young, perhaps fragile friendships I have formed with the "Retiree's Cigar Group" fellows if I purposefully refrain from attending.  Regarding my pipes, I fear I would not focus on growth, but instead on hedonistic enjoyment if I were to refrain from abstaining from my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Would I truly focus on GROWTH and not on hedonism if I did so?

I do know that for today, my focus will be on further refinement of the talks my researcher students will be making soon.  I do know my focus will also be on grading the many papers, exams and other ephemera that have already been submitted by students and await my red pen.  I need to keep a focus on being directive in my grading and comments, but also kind.  I need to work to guide them and not just "judge" their efforts.  I have noticed that without a pipe clamped between my chompers as I scribble with my red pen, I do always have to concentrate more on maintaining that directive, yet kind focus.    

My wife and I will attend Mass this late afternoon, because we anticipate it may be more difficult to get to Mass on Sunday morning.  I am hoping that the homily strikes a strong chord with me to help me shape my path. 

My efforts at upper body strengthening have gone by the wayside to large extent.  I have seemingly lost the time I had thought I had for this effort in the myriad of other work tasks I feel behind in.  Perhaps that should be a second, Lenten focus?  I think it is important... but not to become an "Arnold Schwarzenegger" type, which I could never become.  But, instead, I believe that building more tone and strength in this way would allow me a greater chance of maintaining strength to do work as I continue to age, and I would like this work to include volunteering work I hope becomes a more sizable effort I engage in during my retirement.  I would like to become a bigger presence at helping at Soup Kitchens for the poor, and for work with "Meals on Wheels" and similar such programs for the needy, housebound, etc.  I think that would be an excellent focus for my retirement years.

PipeTobacco