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Update, Albeit Brief

Mom is getting stronger. It is wonderful to see.

My father-in-law is doing well. It is very much a relief.

My wife is herself and I have worked to put into action the notion I spoke of yesterday of "I can only change myself." It was a reasonably successful day.

* * * * *

I feel I am moping around, and I am not trying to do so. I have been feeling my way around life these last several weeks, and I thought once the crises abated, I would return to my generally congenial self. I have yet to do so. I feel paunchy and old... and I should return to exercise.... but I do not. I smoke my pipes more than I ever had... but enjoy each bowlful less and less. I am teaching the same number of students I always do in the Fall... and yet I do not feel that spark nor desire to strive to reach them... I feel nothing much at all. I have (had?) hopes and dreams... goals that I had planned to work on or work towards.... ideas on how to make more contributions to science... and yet they are now only distant memories... I sometimes think of them fondly as I drift off to sleep... but I have no energy, no real drive to try to accomplish them.

I can imagine you, my friends and readers, thinking to yourself... "Get OVER IT you idiot! You have nothing to complain about." Then I can see you grimmace and continue, "What is your problem? Stop complaining and kick yourself in the hind end!"

I can understand and I can even agree. I have never had this sort of feeling before... or at least not one where I did not pull myself up by my bootstraps and fix it. I do not see that I can do that yet... I do not see HOW I can do that this time. I cannot find anywhere within me, a spark, a drive, a desire. Yesterday's argument with my wife has only served to show me that there is little hope for any sort of meaningful change. It may seem to you, silly, but to me, being able to go visit my father-in-law was an important step, a chance to return something to its normal place again.... it would have felt good... it would have felt a real step back up the ladder to finding life again and finding the old me... the one I miss... the one that only seems alive in an historical context now. I can look back... through my mind, or through these essays... and see how vital and alive and vivid I have felt. That version of me is such an historical artifact now. I look back at me and see someone I miss, someone I can never be again. The argument yesterday just proved it.... not because of the words or the feelings or the emotions.... as I said, I have grown from that argument to know I can only work to CHANGE ME. The argument just proved.... by the very timing of it... which destroyed my visit to my father-in-law... it proved the end of who I was. I mourn that end. I liked who I was. I liked my life as it was. I liked my work as it was. But it is all dead. I am not sure what the new me shall be. I doubt I will have even a modicum of the joy I once had. I cannot sense that joy lurking anywhere within me anymore. It may be what is dead.

PipeTobacco