Strange and Unclear
Today I am prepared to do battle. I began to awaken to my alarm clock. The feelings I had were pleasant and happy and I felt warm and comforted as I was snuggled up close to my wife. Yet, then, after becoming fully awake, I started to feel sad again. The thoughts that came back into my mind were the usual culprits, namely:
1. Sadness at the shortness of life.
2. Sadness of things I have done and of things I should have done but did not.
3. Sadness at missing out on the interactions with my family when I am not there with them (like while at work, or when they are away, or when other time commitments happen).
4. Sadness about having somehow lost the ability to easily feel carefree and in the moment.
5. Sadness about all the people I love who have died.
So, it is the same old list of things. In my mind's eye, I *KNOW* the dwelling on the above is pointless and will only keep me mired in sorrow. I *KNOW* it intellectually, but to break away from it physically is a much deeper challenge. But, it really needs to be my focus for when I am not with my family.
With that in mind, I did my walk with greater intensity than usual this morning, and I only had one pipe this morning, so I could more quickly get to the gym at the U. At the gym, I doubled my typical workout routine and increased the intensity of some of the weights as well. I know that the physical exertion helps me to work through (or at least ignore) the feelings of sadness.
I am going to now dive in to work and try to work at even the most aggravating tasks with fervor and intensity. I believe if I must up the fortitude to do this, when I eventually go home this day, I will feel more able to enjoy the precious time I get to spend with my family.
I still think I should be able to figure out an additional method to try to expel the powerfully negative ruminations from my life, but until I figure that out, I think this will help.
PipeTobacco
Today I am prepared to do battle. I began to awaken to my alarm clock. The feelings I had were pleasant and happy and I felt warm and comforted as I was snuggled up close to my wife. Yet, then, after becoming fully awake, I started to feel sad again. The thoughts that came back into my mind were the usual culprits, namely:
1. Sadness at the shortness of life.
2. Sadness of things I have done and of things I should have done but did not.
3. Sadness at missing out on the interactions with my family when I am not there with them (like while at work, or when they are away, or when other time commitments happen).
4. Sadness about having somehow lost the ability to easily feel carefree and in the moment.
5. Sadness about all the people I love who have died.
So, it is the same old list of things. In my mind's eye, I *KNOW* the dwelling on the above is pointless and will only keep me mired in sorrow. I *KNOW* it intellectually, but to break away from it physically is a much deeper challenge. But, it really needs to be my focus for when I am not with my family.
With that in mind, I did my walk with greater intensity than usual this morning, and I only had one pipe this morning, so I could more quickly get to the gym at the U. At the gym, I doubled my typical workout routine and increased the intensity of some of the weights as well. I know that the physical exertion helps me to work through (or at least ignore) the feelings of sadness.
I am going to now dive in to work and try to work at even the most aggravating tasks with fervor and intensity. I believe if I must up the fortitude to do this, when I eventually go home this day, I will feel more able to enjoy the precious time I get to spend with my family.
I still think I should be able to figure out an additional method to try to expel the powerfully negative ruminations from my life, but until I figure that out, I think this will help.
PipeTobacco
4 Comments:
Geeze. Go to the doctor and tell him/her about your feelings. Get on an antidepressant. Get some counseling. You do NOT have to continue to feel this way. It is a choice, and you need help to get out of the rut. Many of us do from time to time -- there is no shame in asking and receiving help for depression! You are too smart to continue to go down this road, Mr. Professor. It's time to get help.
Stop beating yourself up. Knock off a morner and then go take on the world, in manageable bites.
Alarm clock, what a quaint idea, I've never needed one.
I want to see what a tree looks like in your part of the world. Go shoot one, please.
Sunlight, nature, art... so many energizers.
austere
(feeling too lazy to log on)
Whether or not you believe it, you need some medical help as it sounds as if you really are clinically depressed. If you can't drag yourself out of it then get some help!!!!
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