The Thoughts of a Frumpy Professor

............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Humor Friday



I thought I would try something different here today.... humor.  It has been a while since I felt like joking around much, but I am feeling things for me are emotionally on the upswing.  Maybe it is the increased light?

Regardless, The following were "borrowed" from The Blog Fodder's site.  I have not used all of the quotes he posted, so if you enjoy these, go to the link to see some more.  They really brightened my day:

These are from a book called: "Disorder in the AmericanCourts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I do not know about you, but I found the above quite humorous.   Final question for the day, can anyone explain the reason why I selected the image I did for this post?  The person who submits the first correct response will receive a cigar!  And, because it is just a virtual cigar, I will make it a damn good one.... a Cohiba Esplendido .   I still have the cigar band from the one cigar of that brand that I have had.  It is in my watch box. 
I was offered the cigar a couple years ago by a friend of mine who is pretty wealthy (and wastes a lot of money).  I had no idea of the cost of the the beast, but as we talked and drank some brandy and each smoked one of the cigars, I casually commented on how the cigar was quite wonderful.  He grinned as he told me all about the brand and its origins.  My buddy then mentioned to me that they were $35 a piece.  I was rather flabergasted by the price.  It was most assuredly the most expensive cigar I have ever smoked.   However, I continued to enjoy the cigar, and also the snifter of brandy that he had offered as well.  After hearing about the cigar,  you can be sure I did not ask about the brand of brandy.... I did not want to know. 

PipeTobacco

Today's (Friday's) Goal = 3 bowls

Thursday's goal = 0 bowls
Actual consumption (Thursday) = 4  bowls

Walking Day 1636 / SOPS Day 0

4 Comments:

Blogger BBC said...

You posted early this morning.

The picture represents the funny bone?

Humor is always good, and much needed and attorneys (and shrinks) are good fodder.

I like the little buzz I get when I light the pipe in the morning, maybe I should just try one bowl a day.

Off subject but the kit gun is coming together pretty well.

Friday, 15 March, 2013  
Blogger Jane said...

It's a picture of a funny bone......to go along with your Funny Friday theme!

Friday, 15 March, 2013  
Blogger redb56 said...

It's the name of the bone pictured (humerus/humorous, get it?)

Friday, 15 March, 2013  
Blogger forsythia said...

I think this is a funny bone. It has a Latin name, which I don't know, except that I know it sounds like "humorous." These courtroom snippets were hilarious.

Friday, 15 March, 2013  

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