Lenten Vows

Ashes

We rise again from ashes, from the good we've failed to do.
We rise again from ashes, to create ourselves anew
If all our world is ashes, then must our lives be true, 
an offering of ashes, an offering to you.

We offer you our failures, we offer you attempts,
the gifts not fully given, the dreams not fully dreamt.
Give our stumblings direction, give our visions wider view,
 an offering of ashes, an offering to you.

                                           - Thomas Conry (OCP, 1978)
                                             (The link above is to a video of the song).                       

As I tried to contemplate all day yesterday before I was able to attend evening Mass for Ash Wednesday, I was searching through the large array of failures that I have in how I am in life in order to trying to find both the most important and also the most realistic ones for me to commit to trying to have no longer be failures.  I likely cannot maintain enough focus to work on all of my failings simultaneously, so realistically, what are some of the important things I believe I can gather up enough energy and focus to change in myself?  Here is what I have decided for this Lenten journey:

1.  I want to control my anger and resentment at my two co-workers.  I want to be forgiving of them, and I want to release that deep hurt I feel.  In regards to my anger... that anger is an anger that I keep bottled up inside me... so it is not affecting them, but is hurting me.

2.  I want to be less reactive in my emotions.  What I mean is that for me, difficult events, or unexpected problems/challenges have a strong tendency to make my mood switch to a moody, sad, retreating/fearful state.  I can often see LATER how that switch in my mood does not help me nor others around me, so I am planning to have in my mind the notion of not reacting in that way and staying calm and more evaluative of these situations and not letting myself go into that sad, dark mindset.

3.  I am going to work much harder at being more patient, especially with members in my family.   There are always things that we all do that can be a bit aggravating to others in our family.  I have become pretty good at not responding negatively to the lion's share of these aggravations that occur.... but that does not mean I do not feel aggravation inside.   My goal is to take my effort further and not only NOT REACT to the aggravations... but also to not FEEL AGGRAVATED by them either. 

4.  I want to work harder to be a "bright spot" in each day for my family and friends.  So much of the time, it feels that life is so harried and hectic that my day feels like I am just rushing from one moment to another every second I am awake and am not able to EXPERIENCE the day, nor CONTRIBUTE positively to the day.   I truly some days feel as if I am living life almost as a "machine" or a "robot" because I have so damn many tasks I have to get through from the time my alarm goes off at 5am and though often until I lay in bed around 11:00pm.  Instead, I want to be more fully present when I am with those that I love.  I want to give them more of my presence, more of my emotion, more of my love. 

Those are the things I have worked through.   I am still searching and trying to identify if there are others I may need to add as well. 

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