Thoughts Every Which Way

My thoughts are still all over the map.  A big part is from the mandatory "governmental service" from the last few weeks, part of it is several members of my family have a harsh respiratory/flu thing, including my wife.... and I feel a lot of tension about the potential she may go again into pneumonia.  I also worry about me catching whatever this damn thing is, although at the moment I continue to be fine..... unlike my family, I have NOT had aches, chills, high prolonged fever, harsh, non-productive cough, nor lethargy.  But, that has just been another added level of stress to my life in addition to the mandatory "governmental service".  And, even though I worked like a dog all day Sunday, I am still playing catch-up at the U today (and likely tomorrow) to try to bring my life back into some sort of order or balance. 

I am really trying to force myself BACK into the calmer, more predictable, gentler lifestyle I prefer.  I did eek out a bit of time looking at the Catholic Bishop's Mass Readings and along with Pat's reflections on them as well, now feel a bit better about having learned something worthwhile..... even though I still feel annoyed at myself for not succeeding in paying attention at Mass.   I mean, hell, at my age, I should not be struggling with this sort of drift of mind b*llsh*t in myself any longer.  I am trying to view it as situational.... but I am still awfully damn disappointed in myself .... this is the SECOND TIME in a month where I failed at paying attention and striving to learn.

Some of the things I have learned through the Mass Readings and through Pat's comments about the Mass Readings include:

1.  A big part of the Gospel reading was focused on how the Lord is kind and merciful.  And, I can fully understand how important that is.   If He were to grade me on my actual efforts, let along my successes in doing good...... then I hate to think of the piss-poor grade I would get.   I NEED His kindness and mercy, for no matter how carefully I plan and try.... I get tripped up by my own shortcomings again and again. 

2. I think back on how stupid this was of me for the 6-8 months a few years ago, where I avoided like the plague going to confession.   I didn't do this avoidance because I did not want to confess.  I avoided going because I was so ashamed that week after week.... month after month, I would keep seeking forgiveness for the same damn things every, single time.   I am not saying I wanted NEW bad behaviors nor bad actions.   What I mean is I grew so embarrassed that time and time again, it was as if I would go to confession, vow to become better in regards to what I sought forgiveness for, and then almost immediately in that next week.... doing the same damn wrong things again and again.   I was imagining both my priest and God thinking of my confession as a farce since I never became any better.

This was a free-form essay today.   I just wanted to release some of my emotions.   I apologize for grammar inconsistencies if present and also for any incongruencies.   I gave myself only 10 minutes to speed type this out.

PipeTobacco