Pins & Needles
Unfortunately, there isn't a helluva lot I can really do about any of it:
- I would like to quit. But, that lets the bastards win, as the saying goes. And, I actually truly enjoy teaching and researching. But, those two are are poison.
- I would like to ignore "that which I cannot talk about", but that is not the right thing to do.
- I would like to run away from all the impending death and extreme decline that is happening to relatives, but I cannot abandon them, no matter how much this hurts to go through.
The difficulty at the moment (at the last nearly two weeks) the pain of the above, the anxiety of the above is that it is UNRELENTING. It is from morning till night.... other than when I sleep. Sleep is the most peaceful time I have in life at the moment.
What else?
- I have kept up with my damn miles. At the moment, they are the LAST thing I want to do in the morning, as it pulls me out of the peace of sleep. And, I feel very resentful about not sleeping. But, I know it is essential to run.... to breakdown my damnably sky high stress hormone levels to try to keep even-keeled and the hormones manageable.
- I fall asleep dreaming of smoking my pipes. Just routing my brain into those memories helps me drop off to sleep faster than making "Minute Rice".
- I am not really sure if I gave in at the moment and just went back to my pipes, if even THEY would be enough to manage my stress.... but I would not mind trying and seeing if it would help.
- And, yet, even though I do suspect it would help me to SOME degree, I think going back to them currently would further complicate my life as well. I do not think I could withstand any more complexities at the moment.
7 Comments:
I don't need to tell you that unrelenting stress isn't good for your body or state of mind. You are at least fortunate that you can sleep. When I'm that worried, I can't--and I've had/will have many moments of concern with younger daughter. Ugh. When do we get a break, PT? My mom always says (not a consolation):"You're not finished parenting until you're up at the cemetery."
Professor, have you found a Capuchin advisor/confessor with whom you can discuss these matters? Simply being able to unburden yourself to a trusted counselor might do you a world of good. Please don't just bottle up your stress.
Hopefully, at least some of the present stress will soon pass. It has been quite a difficult time for many of us lately, but we keep on as best we can. All the best.
I am glad you are back on here at least. I see Pat suggests a counsellor. That sounds very wise. Someone you trust you can tell everything to. Sometimes just being able to talk about something helps.
It is painful to see how you suffer. As a Catholic, you're likely not to be attracted to Buddhism but it seems to me that the simple steps outlined by Buddha might be helpful.
1. All existence is dukkha. The word dukkha has been variously translated as ‘suffering’, ‘anguish’, ‘pain’, or ‘unsatisfactoriness’. The Buddha’s insight was that our lives are a struggle, and we do not find ultimate happiness or satisfaction in anything we experience. This is the problem of existence.
2. The cause of dukkha is craving. The natural human tendency is to blame our difficulties on things outside ourselves. But the Buddha says that their actual root is to be found in the mind itself. In particular our tendency to grasp at things (or alternatively to push them away) places us fundamentally at odds with the way life really is.
3. The cessation of dukkha comes with the cessation of craving. As we are the ultimate cause of our difficulties, we are also the solution. We cannot change the things that happen to us, but we can change our responses.
4. There is a path that leads from dukkha. Although the Buddha throws responsibility back on to the individual he also taught methods through which we can change ourselves, for example ... (a) ethical conduct, (b) mental discipline and (c) wisdom (panna).
in the past i've suggested growing some magical herbs that you can put in your pipe and it seems like you need it more than ever. in the next week or so i'll be harvesting my little angels and i've really enjoyed tending them all summer.
retirement is awesome, you should try it.
Hope you're okay, Professor...
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