Maybe Another 5K?

My youngest son was trying to get me to run a relatively close by race that is a 5K Run (3.1 miles) with him in the middle of October.  I think I will probably do it.  But, while I run AT LEAST that distance (usually double that distance of late (~6.2 miles), and it used to be triple that distance (9 or 10 miles) until I had the plantar wart/plantar fasciitis challenge a while back) every weekday and many Saturdays.... the thought of running in the presence people..... especially of "REAL" runners makes me feel uncomfortable and rather out-of-place.  When I run, I run solo.

It may be rather stupid of me to feel this way, as I know the 5K Run is for anyone who wants to do it.  But, in my gut (and mind) I still feel like the "portly" fellow I used to be (hell, approaching 20 years ago now).  It is a mindset of "shame" and "embarrassment" and of being a "failure".  And, while I do not and would not want ANYONE to feel that way about themselves whatever their body shape may be..... FOR ME it is a difficult thing to shake off those old, negative feeling about myself..... I still do feel them.  

Another facet about it that is hard for me to get out of my head is that I am just an "old, slovenly duffer" who really is not a runner.  I have been running for ~12 years now..... but I feel out of place with all the "cool folks" who project an athletic "je ne sais quoi" of "real" runners at these sorts of things. I have NO discernable flair, nor charm, nor grace when running.   Yes, I do run, but in my MIND, I see myself more akin to a lumbering old coot, who probably looks like he just staggered out of the drunk tank from an episode of Gunsmoke... or perhaps even worse.... looks as hyperkinetic and herky-jerky as Don Knotts when he would portray Barnie Fife on the "Andy Griffith Show".  Then, if I think deeper..... and think about the fact that I indulge in a cigar once a week at the "Retiree's Cigar Group" and hell, I had a pipe (that was beyond amazing) just a while ago too.... I feel even more fraudulent to call myself a "runner".  

So, I probably WILL sign up for this run.... before the deadline approaches in a couple of weeks so I can get a t-shirt.  I will do this when my son and I can do so together on the computer.  But, the RUN itself will very possibly be less of an effort than will be the mental wrestling I will be doing with myself leading up the the day of the race.  Very possibly that mental wrestling will ultimately be more taxing than the run itself.   Believe me, I do KNOW these thoughts are STUPID.  But, I also do know I will and do feel them and do not know of any way to turn them "off".  

But, if I do the race, I will get a race t-shirt as a sort of "trophy".  That fact may help keep me wrestling THROUGH all these negative thoughts and actually do the damn race.    

PipeTobacco