Afloat

 

Just striving to stay afloat during the current times.  Trying to remain even keeled with all the various gatherings and interactions.  Much of it is exhausting as I feel I must walk on eggshells because of the challenges with what I no longer talk about here.  Much of me is waiting for a return to "normalcy".

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So, some highlights of bits and pieces of things that have been going on:

• A family group all went and watched the film, "Wicked".  Most folks in the group gave it a resounding "A" grade.  I unfortunately felt differently and gave in a "C+" grade.  From a cinematic and musical perspective, the film was beautiful and lovely.  But, the story itself bothered me in some ways.  1) To my manner of thinking, the KEY to the Wizard of Oz was that it was a child's dream brought forth by the injury she received during the tornado.  And, within that mindset, the folks of "Oz" were REPRESENTASTIONS of REAL folks she knew in her real life.  This film had none of that reference to Dorothy nor any of the real world.  2) Instead, this film lived wholly in Oz and took the characters of Glinda and Elphaba and created a sort of morally ambiguous morality play based upon of all things, human and animal rights.  3) The film made the "good" characters in the original film  ditzy, selfish, and sometimes hiddenly mean spirited people, and portrayed the Elphaba as misunderstood.    Now, I can find having Elphaba being viewed more kindly and sympathetically a VERY GOOD THING.  But, when the film then migrated into the weird territory of "ancient magic" and spells, it quickly grew tiresome to me. 
• My wife and I went to both Christmas Masses this year.  Both were quite beautiful and helpful for us.  
• I have been running as best as I can with places closed because of the various holidays.  The lack of consistency in my running routine and the several times I was forced to get my run in via a treadmill have helped make exercise feel chaotic as well.  
• A different cat and an unexpected but very consistently present guest have also been in the mix, and this has made life difficult for our old dog and her primary caretaker (me).
• The very pleasantly bright spots of this time have been the two Retiree's Cigar Group meetings I have been to each of the past two Thursdays.  They both felt casual, carefree, and relaxing.  

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I am trying to discern a way to have a better 2025.  My wife and I will be writing our collective "Hopes & Dreams" like we do every New Year's Eve.  That will be very helpful for us and will help us to better understand and see how we can grow further together in the next year.  

But, for myself, personally, I also have been thinking about how I want to also have this upcoming 2025 feel better "inside my mind' as well.  I had always thought I was reasonably well versed in terms of understanding the harsher aspects of life.... disease, death, the caring for loved ones in that time.  But, naively, I never imagined in my later years, having to wrangle with the chaotically devastating emotions brought up in me through the actions of loved ones I do not talk about here.  In my wildest imagination, I never thought this would be my fate.  The reality is, is that I CANNOT keep living in this turmoil.  I must make changes in 2025 to make things "better" (aka less hurtful) for me.  How?  I am not sure yet, but these are some of the thoughts:

• Make as much of an effort to distance myself from this hurt.  I can only do so much in this regard, but I have to try to do this.
• Try to focus each morning on working to feel a sense of joy about something and use that joy as an anchor to try to keep the hurt from directing me off track.
• Really commit to upper body strengthening.  I have not really been consistent with any weight training since things shut down during Covid.  I think I need to make a concerted, consistent effort to bring that back into my routine in the morning.  
• I know there are other things I need to do as well.  I have to keep working to figure them out.  

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