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Chaos is the "New" Homeostasis

Homeostasis is a term that describes a physiological condition of "normalcy"... of ranges and boundaries of function that are "typical.

I was far too easily swayed into thinking that life had taken a turn back towards a calm, day-to-day sense of activity... get up, exercise, eat breakfast, go to work (and get satisfaction in expressing creativity), come home, have family time, dinner, more family time, and then relax and watch a little television and go to bed. I had almost a whole week that was relatively homeostatic, relatively normal. It was a mirage, and the shame of it is that I damn well should have know this, and I damn well should have not allowed myself to let my guard down and allow myself to once again start to feel some contentment. I simply need to accept and embrace that for now and for the forseeable future... as far as my mind can venture forward... my life is not one iota about feeling content, relaxed, or "normal". And hell, the ideas of feeling "happily excited" or "joyus" or "invigorated" are so distant a memory that they literally are only pipe dreams. Instead, my new norm will continue to be the "Hoeostasis of Chaos". Nothing, no one, no situation in my real-world life will remain predictable and I will simply have to continue to struggle each and every day with illness, bad moods, anger, rancor, and utter unpredictablity.

Having to continually assess my elderly mother and my wife for signs of abberations from quiescent normalcy is draining enough in itself. For the lion's share of this summer, I have been on pins and needles, as I wait around and attempt to observe the both of them and continually read their body language.... my elderly mother for signs of health difficulty.... my wife for signs of her grouchy rancor lurking beneath the surface. It is beyond tiring to do this, but if I do not at this time... then I risk one or several major emotional/physical blow-outs. Either my elderly mother will ignore or not recognize which symptoms she is facing are serious enough to warrent attention. Or it could be a mis-aimed glance, or a slight misinterpretation of something I say that could cause the damn to burst, and send my wife into one of her "moods". Or even more excitedly, there could be a synergy between the two of them and they could feed off each other's attitudes and behaviors and make everything in the household exponentially more chaotic.

It is an odd realization, but even at my grey age, I have come to learn more about certain forms of behavior than I had ever anticipated. There is a stereotypical type of man who would rather spend his time after work in the evening sitting on a stool at a local watering hole, rather than be with his family. I have never been that sort of man, for I desperately value and love my time with my family. I do enjoy drinking on occasion, but the idea of sitting on a bar stool all evening, akin to what happens on Cheers (only usually in a grungier, more unkempt setting) while your family sits at home.... just seems so utterly sad and unlike how family life should be. However, the events of this horrid summer have made me UNDERSTAND AND SYMPATHIZE with the man in the above scenerio. In many ways, the idea of going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" but that there are no expectations, no intensive emotions , no worry upon worry heaped up to the ceiling.... sounds pretty damn appealing at times to me.

So, what is going on, you ask. Now, my elderly mother is still experiencing the cough, and she has some swelling (edema) in her legs. She also is complaining of "stomach" issues. What this will lead to over the weekend is anyone's guess. My wife is in a state where she makes a cooked lobster look pale pink in comparison over some new idiotic policy at work. It is not something she needs to do, but she is too timid at work to take a stand and so she is angry that she will end up adopting this policy. The rancor spills over into her behavior outside of work so she is pretty much a crab since reading the letter.

Do not worry, my readers, I am not planning to spend my every evening in a bar to drown my sorrows. Although I understand the mentality far more than I had before, I instead shall attempt to carry on as I have been carrying on... accepting the nerve-wracking chaos of health and emotional issues, and the cornucopia filled with stress and anxiety as my new "norm". Basically I will (to use a coarser phrase) "suck-it-up" and just deal with it, and let my inner self grow dormant, my psyche wilt. It is the right thing for a man to do for his family. It just is, what it is.

PipeTobacco