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I Don't Know

My mother is staying roughly the same. She is very weak, cannot stand or move for more than a few moments. I do not know what to think or do anymore.

I do not know what to think or do anymore. I feel as if I let everyone down. I let my mother down by not being able to help her. I let her down by not being there enough. I let my family down by not being there enough. I let my family down by not being strong enough. I let down my wife by not being there enough. I let my wife down by not figuring out how to do it all, and do it all correctly. I let my job down and I let my University down by not being there enough. I let my job down by not having the mental focus and determination I used to have. I let my kids down by not being there enough for them. I let my kids down by not giving enough of myself to them. I let my life down by not having any focus on it. I let my life down by not striving to make something so good and so lasting and so real that it will live on beyond me, beyond my lifetime, beyond my community.

I do not know how to proceed. I do not know what to believe. I do not know what to feel. I do not know what I DO feel. I do not remember driving home. I do not remember any television that I watched. I do not care to eat. I do not care if I eat everything under the sun. I do not care if I exist.

I am an empty shell. I am a walking zombie. I am devoid of life.

PipeTobacco