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Contemplation

Becky, summer, austere, Laurent, and Abbagirl74.... I thank you for your kind words and advice. You help me greatly during the times of stress.

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I feel I am at a crossroads in life. A midlife crisis of sorts, although it is a bit on the late side. I need to ruminate, contemplate, and elucidate my feelings and my emotions.

I do not know what I (meaning ME, meaning MYSELF, meaning my CORE BEING) have been put here on Earth for any longer. Previously it had seemed so obvious and so sure. My life as an academic seemed at once stimulating and rewarding, challenging and invigorating. To be a professor seemed a noble and just career to strive for, to aspire to climb through, to live as. Likewise, my life as a husband/father seemed tailor fit for me and for my personality. And, finally, my life as a caretaker seemed to utilize my strengths, and it gave me more ways to serve God, my Family, and my Community.

Yet, lately, the topsy-turvy landscape that has been my life makes me unsure about my performance in any of the above. I feel if I were to use criteria similar to what I use for my own courses, I would not score above a "D" in any category. That causes me saddness. I truely strive to do right by the people I care about... my wife my kids, my mother, my in-laws. They are all the people I love, yet nary a moment passes when I do not seem to disappoint one or several of them.

Yet, there seems to be little to no unity in how life is to be lived, and that causes me to feel as if I need to be the GLUE... this is my role in life. Yet, sadly, my adhesive properties are not of the strength needed.

Enough said, I suppose. All I know is that I continue to try to remember and live the idea of, "I cannot change others, but I can change myself." Perhaps when I learn this very straight-forward lesson, and implement it, perhaps then I will find peace and contenment.

PipeTobacco