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232

Tonight, a series of very severe thunderstorms passed through our area three different times during the course of the evening. In several areas the gusts of winds were quite significant and tornado watches and even several warnings were posted although no tornadoes touched down anywhere.

As most of the storms geared up, I sat outside on the porch and smoked several very heavy, harsh bowls of pipe tobacco. It seemed fitting to choose a more powerful than typical leaf to mix with the storm.

My mind was a mix of different thoughts. Some of the time I felt alert and interested as it was fascinating to watch the immense power of each storm system as it passed, the rain being so heavy, harsh and solid, the lightning extremely diffuse... more akin to the flash of a photographers bulb rather than the stereotypical zig-zag pattern in the sky. Other times my thoughts were worrisome... concern that the storms would once again trip the circuits in my neck of the woods and suddenly there would be no electricity... again (it happens almost a dozen times a year). Additionally, melancholy settled into my thoughts... a general feeling of unsettledness and malaise about life. I can keep very, very busy, and by so doing, feel adequate. But is that what I have to look forward to now... simply working like a dog to feel adequate? With the only other emotion being sadness... and brought about by not following the "work like a dog mantra"? Is that living? But if it is not living, what is it? And if it is living, what was I doing before when I was happy, when I had simple joys nearly daily? That seemed more akin to living, but perhaps it was not. And finally, I felt waves of sadness... undulating to-and-fro as I watched the storms, but not the gentle, lively, engaging discussions with my mother about storms. She found them interesting and always had many stories about some of the more interesting (beautiful through severe) types of weather she experienced.

I traveled all about today, distributing a portion of the small funds my mother left behind to each of my various siblings. It is only a start, but a start is better than the lack of inertia I have had of late in completing different tasks related to my mother's estate. In one instance, when bringing her portion of the funds, I sat and spoke with my eldest sister for perhaps 30 minutes or so at her place of work. She had just ended her work day and we sat at a small bench/table that is used by the patients in the facility to eat at on pleasant days. Although my sister had always been told by others she looked very much like my mother... I had not seen it other than in rather generic ways until today. As my sister reiterated some of the stressors and emotional pain she had been feeling the last several weeks since her birthday, I noticed a stronger similarity than I had ever seen previously And, it was shocking, so utterly shocking... I could see in the manner in which she pursed her lips as she talked about hard subjects... I could see one of my beloved mother's exact facial expressions upon my sister's face.

It has been 232 days today since my beloved mother passed away.

PipeTobacco