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Overwhelming Gloom

Wednesday did not turn out well. Emotionally, I have gone into a deep spiral of sadness. I feel like crying most of the time, and even when I try to work (around the home or at the U), the time it takes me to complete anything is about 8 times greater than it should be.

A case in point is to be seen in my trip to Menards. I am attempting to repaint a and remodel a bedroom in our home and needed some supplies (a new grate for the cold air return, a few wall switch plates, wood putty, spray paint, and a few other odds and ends). In my normal state of mind I would have gotten these items and been out of the store in 20 minutes. On Wednesday, it took me very close to two hours to locate the items, pay for them and get back to my truck.

I feel as if the world is about to end. I feel as if I am a failure. I feel as if there is no purpose to anything. I feel alone and lonely. I feel like sleeping all the time.

This morning we had extensive rain and over the course of 3 hours, we received approximately 3.4 inches (8.64 cm)of rain. I went out in the heavy downpour and sat on the back porch with a hat on and smoked my pipe. I turned the bowl of the pipe upside down so the rain would not extinguish the tobacco. The weather befitted my emotions, unfortunately.

I was thinking today about a time when I was perhaps around 12 years old. My mother brought came home with an excited smile on her face. She had been "antiquing" with her sister (my Aunt Aggie) by going around to various old shops looking for finds. She excitedly showed me what she found. It was an old fashioned pepper grinder. I had never seen one before. My beautiful mother delighted in showing me how the item worked, and she brought out some peppercorns and ground them into the little drawer at the base of the device. Her smile is something I so recall, and the beautiful glint in her eyes and she talked about and described the device to me. I miss that smile, and I miss her. I do not recall what happened to the peppermill. I WISH I had it today. The tears are streaming down my cheeks again.

PipeTobacco