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What the Hell Is It All About?

Emotionally draining thoughts swirl around my head. I fear death, I fear life, I fear loneliness, I fear illness. What is it I should do with my life? It is a conundrum that is difficult to make any headway on.

A part of me says... "Just do whatever, do not worry, do not plan, do not strive to make any difference. You will be dead all too soon and none of any of what I do matters a whole helluva lot."

Another part of me says... "You must keep working towards goals, you must keep striving to be a better person, a more helpful person, a better man to your family, you must try to be a better man for society, and you must strive to make something that will last well beyond my physical days here."

A third part of me says... "Should I do this, or should I do that or should I do something else altogether? If I were to "buy into" this idea of striving to make something of meaning beyond my own life, how the hell do I figure out what that is?"

A fourth part of me often says... "Do not think about this sh*t anymore. It is pointless and useless and has no value. Unlike what Socrates says, "An unexamined life is not worth living." perhaps more TRUE is that examining life is a whole helluva lot of waste of a person's time."

I do not really know anymore what to think or do. I feel like I cannot see, I cannot feel or understand what my life should be or what I should do. I feel like I am going through the motions.... doing what I have always done, but not feeling the same joy or passions in life like I used to have, but I do not know how to go about feeling those passions again. All I know is that I love my family, and I wish I knew how to be more deeply with them every moment, regardless of what I am doing.

PipeTobacco