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Ignoring the Drama In Me

If I let myself think... think deeply about how I feel as a person, it really seems to do me not a damn bit of good. If I let my mind wander, and I have done so on numerous occasions, I typically get very sad, almost to the point of crying heavy, salty tears into my mustache and beard. I typically cry for the following reasons:

1. I miss so many people that I love who have died. My mother, my father, my niece who committed suicide, my Aunt A, my Uncles C, and K. My major professor, R. My cousins, E and D.

2. I worry about my own impending death. It seems like I am barely getting a chance to figure things out and all too soon I will be dead and gone. It scares me to leave my family, and I worry about it nearly any time I examine my emotions.

3. I cry for all the things I could, should, and am capable of doing that I have not done and likely never will.

So, my strategy is akin to being an ostrich, and burying my head in the sand. There simply is no point in thinking about my feelings. It is easier to avoid the issues and go on with a typical day.

This feeling in me, the desire to avoid much in the way of introspection, seems to have started about the time my mother passed away. I recall then feeling akin to an orphan, as both my parents are now dead. This disinterest in self examination has lead to another, unexpected consequence as well...

I used to be an AVID reader of biographies of all sorts of people of the past. I have, for example, in my library, over 40 different biographical texts about Ernest Hemingway, an author for whom I have been a big fan for many years. I have collections or partial collections of biographies of MANY other individuals as well. But, almost like a light switch, my interest in biographies rapidly became null and void shortly after my mother's passing. Now, I would rather read just about ANYTHING other than historical tomes or historical biographies.

I do miss the old me, but he is dead and gone. The new me, the non-introspective me is the current "King" of this "hill".

PipeTobacco