No Good

 

I am now trying to live in a mindset of NOT COMPLAINING, but accepting.  Complaining really does no good.  Acceptance is really all that can be done in cases where there is no known path towards change. 

So, what I am working to accept:

1.  I am working to accept that I am in some (hopefully temporary) stage where my motivation to run is low.  That does not mean I cannot run.  It does not mean I am not running.  It just means that it is something I need to work more strenuously at to accomplish each day currently.  I am not sure why my motivation is low.  It may simply be that I am desiring a break from the current routines of life.... a vacation of sorts.... a vacation somewhere that is not really possible at this time due to work and due to Covid.

2.  I am working to accept that my motivation to teach ONLINE is low at the moment.  Plugging away at and fussing at the array of "mouse clicky" work that ONLINE teaching entails is not that hard, it is just tedious and time consuming in ways that have not been a part of my teaching until Covid.  I can do this ONLINE teaching and I will do this ONLINE teaching as long as it is needed, and I have to keep my focus on the idea that I AM being helpful to students.  I AM helping them to grow and develop.  I am helping to motivate them.   Yesterday, I had one of my ONLINE students schedule an ONLINE meeting with me, and he was very animated in his descriptions to me of how he was happy he has had me as his instructor during Covid, because he felt I was really working hard to reach students through this electronic format.  By contrast, yesterday I also was able to meet with a handful of prospective undergraduate research interested students IN PERSON, and the interactions were delightful and invigorating to me and reminded me of the best of what IN PERSON teaching can be.

3.  I am still perusing my Lenten Vow of forgiveness and kindness towards the two who hurt me so very much.   I can say that I have had ups and downs in that progress.  Earlier in this week, I had reached another low point where I was feeling very intensely the sort of dislike and distrust I have had for the worse of these two folks.  I am working to accept that this may still occur, and that what I can do is to keep focused on how I want to be towards the two EVEN when I am in a down state, and if I cannot wrangle myself out of the "down" state, I can work to at least ignore the feelings until I feel enough energy to try to be better again in my goal of forgiveness and friendliness.  Overall, I have made progress, but I still have much further to go.  

 4.  I am working to simply accept that right now, I am in a very strong phase of yearning for and missing my pipes (PCS = 9 again today).  I cannot get down on myself for this.  I really can only accept that even after well over 1000 days, these memories of the deep, yet ethereal pleasures of the pipe and pipe tobaccos remain with me and will likely remain strong at times, and may quiet at times.  I must work to continue to accept that these undulations in memory and desire will likely continue, perhaps forever. I cannot and should not complain.  I have so many utterly cherished memories of indulging in the beauty of the briar pipe and the myriad of pipe tobaccos.  I should live in joy about those memories I was able TO experience, and now can savor at least IN memory. And, even though I seemingly cannot currently find an appropriate way to return to them, I can also keep in mind that there may still perhaps be a way, and perhaps I will discover that way someday so that the joys will not be just beautiful, exquisite, artistic memories, but may also be able to be again a reality in my current experiences.   To figure out a way in which I can again, with joy, experience the sheer magic of the lived experience of smoking my pipes is something I do hope for.  

5.  I am working to accept that Covid, even with a vaccine, will still in all likelihood shape our futures in ways that will continue to be different.  I have to accept, for instance, that my hope for being able to swim again in the community pool at least in the Summer is probably more likely than not only a beautiful pipe dream.  In the same way as with my pipes, I must try to live in and relish the memories of those times year round when I was afforded the luxury of that beautifully immersive experience.  I cannot dwell on the inaccessibility of the beautiful pool now, for that only diminishes the beloved memories.  

6.  I am working to accept that films in theaters, plays in auditoriums and stages, concerts that I listen to and watch, and concerts that I play in will not be available soon.  But the memories of their pleasure, of their shared experience can help sustain me.   

7.  I am working to accept that double masking in face-to-face teaching will remain for a long while.  I am working to accept that the tiredness of speaking robustly and animatedly through a double mask to try to instill a thirst for knowledge in my students is my requirement, no matter how exhausting lecturing in a loud, professorial voice can be over the scope of hours.  

PipeTobacco