Empty Shell

 

Meandering thoughts...

Emotions are a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.  In the nervous system, there is one particular nerve called the vagus nerve.  It is this nerve that is often altered in its responses by emotions. The vagus nerve is responsible for the regulation of internal organ functions, such as digestion, heart rate, and respiratory rate, as well as vasomotor activity, and certain reflex arcs of the body, such as coughing, sneezing, swallowing, and even vomiting. 

I spoke with my friend's wife this morning.  We have been discussing photos that she wishes to display at my friend's funeral.  She is not electronically inclined, so I have volunteered to scan, scale, and print any photos she wishes to use in the display.  She also wants my help in creating and organizing the displays so that they can be near his urn at the time of the service. 

I mentioned yesterday that I am emotionally dead.  What I mean by this is that I cannot seem to feel any form of emotions currently.  I have grief, but do not feel grief.  I have anger, but do not feel anger.  I feel no happiness, nor any joy, nor ANY emotions.... even though all of these and many more emotions are somewhere inside.  At least they used to be there.

 Molluscs such as clams and snails are creatures that exhibit a body plan that is rather simple and have what is often called a "muscular foot" style body.  For folks who eat molluscs, it is this "muscular foot" that is consumed.  I have never enjoyed molluscs and have eaten only 3-4 across my life.... usually associated with some sort of "dare" to do so.  But, biologically, the shells of molluscs are quite complex, often ornate, and interesting.  The mantle edge of the mollusc's body secretes a shell that consists of mainly chitin and conchiolin (a protein hardened by infusion of calcium carbonate).  The shell shape, design, and chiral rotation typically are key markers used by taxonomists to identify different mollusc species.  

When the soft, fleshy body of the mollusc is consumed by a predator, or when the mollusc dies, the shell is the remnant of the organism that persists for long periods of time.

Margaret mentioned to me yesterday in the comments a question about my one offspring who I wrote about because of the very harsh, horrible decisions my kid were contemplating.  At this time, the decisions are in some fashion "on hold" so the pressure and pain of the decisions has regressed at least temporarily until my offspring once again decides to push or act upon the issues.

Maybe feeling as if I am an empty shell emotionally is ok.  Although I miss joy and laughter and happiness, I do not miss the pain and agony of loss.  Perhaps this is a fair trade off?  

The U.S's current blasé attitude towards Covid-19 safety measures is challenging intellectually.  Many of us vaccinated folks would like to line up for a booster shot when we reach 8 months out like had been proposed.  Yet, political wrangling now makes the booster-for-all idea somewhat in doubt.  And, while the Delta Variant of Covid-19 is extremely harsh and difficult.... it seems that damn near no one outside of science circles is paying ANY heed to the EXTREME threat of the Lambda Variant of Covid-19.  Virologists and epidemiologists suggest that the likely expansion path for the Lambda Variant will make it infiltrate much of North America by the middle or end of October, and then it will profligate.  The Lambda Variant appears to be able to bypass the immune responses that the current vaccine creates.  I have not yet read of folks working on a Lambda Variant vaccine.... but I sure as hell hope the virologists are doing so.  

Pat wrote in the comments yesterday about the idea that I should perhaps use a microphone system in the large lecture hall.  I too had thought of this idea.  I began to approach the U's IT in late July about this possibility.  Unfortunately, U computer/electronic policies are perhaps most kindly stated as being a bit "convoluted" (there are a large array of more vulgar terms I could apply if I was not trying to be kind).  As it currently stands, there are various electronic locks and gates associated with the audio-visual gizmo devices in our lecture hall.  For me to use a wireless microphone, it appears I would a) need to acquire special administrative permission, and b) go through some extensive computer machinations each time I would use the computer system in the lecture space.  It is something that is being "worked on" but when I will be able to do so.... who the hell knows?

When I ran this morning (my foot first hit the pavement at 4:44am according to my watch), I was feeling achy and sore especially in my shoulder region.  I believe the soreness likely was due to my scrubbing on my hands and knees, the bathroom floor and toilet region of my mother-in-law's bathroom last evening.  With her age (mid-late 80s) and her declining health, she needs help with many of these sorts of tasks.I pounded out 10.1 miles (16.3km).  I tried to push myself hard, and according to the gizmo watch I inherited from my younger son when he bought a fancier one, I kept my heart rate at around 150-160 during the lion's share of the run.  So, I was doing pretty damn good in terms of an aerobic workout.  My resting heart rate was 53 when I woke up this morning.    I worry about my wife's health too.  She is beginning to feel a little bit of nephropathy in her fingertips in addition to what she has been feeling for a few months already in her toes.  I wish she would be more careful conscientious about treating her Type II insulin insensitivity.  But, I cannot dictate her choices. 

I hope that I will not, forevermore, be an empty shell. I miss laughter.  I miss feeling carefree.  

I ate a Greek Yogurt as part of my breakfast this morning.  It is fat-free and plain, but I add a little bit of honey to it.  It feels like a desert to me most days.  Hmm....  The word "yogurt" always reverberates in my mind in such a way that it makes me think of the exercise "yoga".  In the early 1970s era of PBS there was a yoga show called "Lilia's Yoga and You" that I would often watch.  Not that I ever participated in yoga.... but I admit I found the program soothing, and the host was also pretty darn attractive.  But, I digress.  Thinking of yoga reminded me of the conscious effort of practicing deep breathing (like can be accomplished through yoga, and technically, I also believe also occurs through pipe smoking) the act of this slow, repetitive activity can calm some of the activity of the vagus nerve and relax folks. 

PipeTobacco