4 Years Ago
It was four years ago today, that my dear friend, my second father, my pipe smoking buddy, my drinking buddy….. my father-in-law passed away.
Words cannot adequately express the feelings of loss I have felt regarding this. It was a loss every bit as difficult as was my Mom’s passing, now nearly 15 years ago, and my Dad’s passing, now nearly 28 years ago.
Wonderful things do end. That is the only message I hear in regards to the above three deaths. My faith tells me they are still present, yet even though I work hard to keep that in mind….. it is still….. different…. and “less” …. if that makes sense.
Life, it seems, is all about learning to love….. but then witnessing and watching those you love…. leave you. Again, I understand I should look beyond just the “now” and see the continuity of experiences of life. But, it is sometimes damn hard to do.
And, in the same breath of mental focus, I remember the times when I COULD have been more present with each of them, and was instead occupied with aspects of life…. things of no significance… and the realization of these missed opportunities that will never be, makes me angry at myself, angry with the rules, angry with the rigamarole of just trying to exist… that takes us away from the love of family.
PipeTobacco
3 Comments:
My experience is that you never really "get over" such a loss. But you have no choice other than to develop new routines that don't include your loved one. And as you go about your new routines, you make new acquaintances, some of whom become dear friends. Your loved ones, then -- having made you the person you are -- are still a part of you as you reach out and connect to new loved ones. Everyone you meet, Professor, is in part meeting your father-in-law, and your other departed loved ones. I have found that to be at least some small consolation.
The part I'm still struggling with, though, is that as we age we must make a deliberate effort to connect with younger friends, so that as our old friends die we aren't left more and more alone with each passing. Maybe at the University that's easier for you, as you watch bright undergrads and industrious grad students launch their careers on a foundation of learning that you've helped to build.
And, yes, each great loss we face reminds us of how much we need not just to cherish, but also to work on and attend to, our relationships with loved ones still present. I've had a mixed record at that, as I still regret my final words spoken to a couple of dear friends. But those passings have made me all the more careful to try to deal patiently and lovingly with those around me, as I do not ever want my final memory of a friend or relative to be an unpleasant and unresolved hurt.
Anyway, Professor, the love you give to others is in part the love your father-in-law made it possible for you to give. That doesn't mean you will stop missing him, but maybe when you recognize his part in your life today it will ease the hurt a bit. I hope you have an uplifting and reflective experience at Mass this weekend!
The 1st anniversary of my dad's death is coming up in March and it will be hard. The world is certainly grayer and less interesting without these special loved ones in it.
I do think you suffer from that infamous Catholic guilt.
Take care.
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