A Complaining Mood
I guess I am in a bit of a complaining mood at the moment. But, while in my MIND, I know that complaining will do no damn good, I think perhaps by using my blog today as a site to allow myself to fuss and complain a bit, I may be able to more easily navigate the rest of my U day and it will help me in some fashion:
PCS = 8.... yeah, yeah, I know that is just a bit higher than yesterday. But, for me it does feel more intense. Perhaps I should envision my scale as logarithmic? Hah. Whatever..... it is a tough day for me regarding my pipes and pipe tobaccos.
- I do not remember much in regards to details of the dream I had.... but I do KNOW I had a dream last night. I awoke jarringly from the dream, however, because I had an extremely full bladder, and awoke with the urgent need to relieve that condition.
- During the process of relieving that condition, I, still mostly asleep, began to have thoughts, and the thoughts were nothing extraordinary, just common, everyday things..... but in my half-asleep state I didn't really realize my thoughts were thoughts and patterns common in my much younger self, perhaps late 20s or early 30s when I was a still wet-behind-the-ears, "eager-pup", young professor.
- I am (now later in the day) now assuming I must have been having some sort of early memories type dream when I was younger. And I am assuming when the "bladder call" had awoken me, my mind awoke with that brain pattern for the day (since I did not go back to sleep).
So, what the hell is wrong with that? In some ways I find the "youthful perspective" to be a bit invigorating. But, what has been rough is that on so, so many occasions today, even though it is still pretty early.... I have absentmindedly been reaching in my coat, my pocket, and now in my office.... to my pipe racks, to with nary a thought, to pick up a pipe. Every time I do that, I then get a jolt of reality that reminds me of the "now" of 2022.... and my refraining. And I feel a flush of disappointment:
- I am concentrating on some U task, and I reach into my sport coat pocket for a pipe, and it is not there...... then UGH.... I remember and feel a bit of "loss".
- I again am focusing on some U task, and then I reach into my shirt pocket for a pipe, and it is not there..... then UGH... I remember and feel a bit of "loss".
- I get immersed in grading a paper, and grab a pipe off the rack on my desk.... then look for my tobacco pouch..... then UGH.... I remember, they are all put away in a drawer, and not really "there" for use.... and.... you guessed right.... I feel a bit of "loss".
- When I started to traipse back across campus after my morning lecture..... you get the pattern.... I was lost in thought, and reached for a pipe in my coat to smoke on the way back to my office.... then UGH. (sigh)
Each "UGH" is akin to a metaphorical punch to the gut with the remembering of the present circumstance. And, I can only imagine more are likely to come today.
- I guess I am just feeling pissy and disappointed that NOW is not like it was back then when things seemed so much brighter, so much more lively, so much more beautiful, and so much more "pipey" without any sort of worry, nor consternation, nor guardedness, nor internal debate. It was just.... a fun-filled, exciting, thought-provoking, pipe-filled life where EVERYTHING felt WONDERFUL and INVIGORATING.
- My pipes were always a companion with me those days, with never even a thought.... it just WAS the pattern of life. I miss that.
Damn. What a whiny bunch of drivel I suppose the above is. But, it is what I am feeling. In my mind, I can see this is TRULY a stupid, 1st World problem of absolutely no consequence. I am not so dense as to not realize that. But, again, it IS how I am feeling.
Maybe this writing it out will get the feelings to dissipate.
++++++
I ran my now typical 11 miles (~16 km) this morning. Yeah! (sarcasm)
PipeTobacco
3 Comments:
Slacker! You know very well that you could be running a full half-marathon every day if you just set your will to doing so! :-)
Actually, Professor, your writings on this blog do reveal you as someone with unusual strength of will. But this post makes me wonder what your Capuchin advisors might say about balancing your will (the "head") with your feelings (the "heart"). Why should you be eager for any feelings to dissipate, any more than you would want your will to dissipate?
Maybe the ideal is to find balance and set priority, not to deny either your will or your feelings. But what that balance and priority should be isn't something any of us as your readers can dictate.
On the one hand, even an amputee can learn to get by without a missing limb, to use an analogy that may seem awfully close to a parallel with your absence of pipe smoking. But the "feeling" of being an amputee may not be wonderful or invigorating, though one can make one's peace with it if that's what one must do.
On the other hand, your feelings regarding your pipes are not necessarily best "dissipated." Those feelings aren't sinful, and may indeed be helpful even while abstaining (as when you are able to enjoy a "pipe dream" in sleep or in reverie).
As we age, don't we all experience losses of some sort or another? Right now you are feeling the sense of the losses that come with your abstinence. But when you return to your pipes, won't you feel some "loss" of acceptance by nannies and ninnies who would like to judge (or even police) you for smoking your pipes? Well, if "loss" is inevitable, then, only you can know which loss is a greater loss. I wish you well in figuring out your next steps, kind sir!
Your mind is hanging out in the past with the pipes and that makes those associations painful and nostalgic. I'm a big believer that venting on the blog is healthy for the emotions. Plus, I admire people much more when they are open and honest--which means bad days and some negativity. It's human.
That’s an amazing regression (not the right word) brought on by a dream. I have experienced that a dream can make you feel as you did back then. I had a dream of a long ago girlfriend, and it was like my youthful brain got implanted into my senior brain. I felt what I felt back then, and some of the feeling stayed with my for a rather long time.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home