Random

 I did.not want to stay in my office any longer, and I didn’t feel like going home…. both seemed too “stifling” regarding work I could do.  

I am in a park and typing on my phone.  So, please excuse any typos. Also, thoughts may be more brief as thumb typing is slower.  

I am trying to feel out the now seemingly real idea that I can retire.  It is both thought provoking and nerve wracking.  

Random thoughts:

1.  It SOUNDS fun in some ways…. but what is fantasy “dreaming” and what can be “reality”.  And, of things that MAY be able to be “real” how do I figure out the “right” realities to aim for?  

2.  I do fear a loss of identity. 

3.  I really have never TRULY looked beyond being a “professor”.

4.  Having taught for 40 years…. what AM I if I do not teach?  

5.  The unstructured, “everything is possible - nothing is set or established” aspect of retirement is more than a bit frightening.  

6.  When to “pull the trigger”?  It could be in one year.  It could be three years.  It could be never.  

7.  The many “pipe dream” thoughts over the years of what I could DREAM to do in retirement…. now have to be examined for feasibility and for what I SHOULD do.  Real decisions are looming.

8.  Family is of course a big concern.  But, the more usual and helpful ideas for decision making of being near grandkids is not an option.  No grandkids will arise in the foreseeable near future and the kids are not in any way settled in a “home” city either currently. So that does not provide any guidance at this time.  

9.  Alzheimer’s scares the living sh*t out of me, now having experienced it with my MIL.  My genetic side of the family has never experienced it before.  It appears to BE fairly common in my wife’s genetic side though.  If my wife were to develop Alzheimer’s….. I cannot fathom how lonely I would feel. 

10. Do I actually have any actual goals to strive for any longer?  Goals and trying my damndest to TRY to meet them shaped damn near every part of my life.  Do I have or can I FIND meaningful goals to strive for?  Or are goals really an illusion… and at my age should I only look at “reality” and give up the “fantasy” of goals and striving and trying?  

11.  How do I “relax”?  This sounds asinine, I know…. but sincerely…. “relaxation” in many ways feels (felt?) like “playing hooky” from the things I should be doing… and in many ways I associate relaxation as a minor, temporary thing that I sometimes would selfishly do…. until guilt or worry about what I SHOULD be doing would drive me back to work.  

12.  Do I have meaning?  I used to believe that my teaching students gave my life meaning and purpose.  And, I can still delude myself that this IS so.  But, is it really?  If no, was it all a farce?  If yes, what meaning will I have after teaching is gone?  

Again, the above is just a jumbled, random spewing of different thoughts I have been having.  

I look back at the above and feel rather stupid.  But, these have been a fair number of my thoughts.  They need to be here for me to examine…. and to allow them to settle OUT of my mind for a while.  

PipeTobacco