Random
I did.not want to stay in my office any longer, and I didn’t feel like going home…. both seemed too “stifling” regarding work I could do.
I am in a park and typing on my phone. So, please excuse any typos. Also, thoughts may be more brief as thumb typing is slower.
I am trying to feel out the now seemingly real idea that I can retire. It is both thought provoking and nerve wracking.
Random thoughts:
1. It SOUNDS fun in some ways…. but what is fantasy “dreaming” and what can be “reality”. And, of things that MAY be able to be “real” how do I figure out the “right” realities to aim for?
2. I do fear a loss of identity.
3. I really have never TRULY looked beyond being a “professor”.
4. Having taught for 40 years…. what AM I if I do not teach?
5. The unstructured, “everything is possible - nothing is set or established” aspect of retirement is more than a bit frightening.
6. When to “pull the trigger”? It could be in one year. It could be three years. It could be never.
7. The many “pipe dream” thoughts over the years of what I could DREAM to do in retirement…. now have to be examined for feasibility and for what I SHOULD do. Real decisions are looming.
8. Family is of course a big concern. But, the more usual and helpful ideas for decision making of being near grandkids is not an option. No grandkids will arise in the foreseeable near future and the kids are not in any way settled in a “home” city either currently. So that does not provide any guidance at this time.
9. Alzheimer’s scares the living sh*t out of me, now having experienced it with my MIL. My genetic side of the family has never experienced it before. It appears to BE fairly common in my wife’s genetic side though. If my wife were to develop Alzheimer’s….. I cannot fathom how lonely I would feel.
10. Do I actually have any actual goals to strive for any longer? Goals and trying my damndest to TRY to meet them shaped damn near every part of my life. Do I have or can I FIND meaningful goals to strive for? Or are goals really an illusion… and at my age should I only look at “reality” and give up the “fantasy” of goals and striving and trying?
11. How do I “relax”? This sounds asinine, I know…. but sincerely…. “relaxation” in many ways feels (felt?) like “playing hooky” from the things I should be doing… and in many ways I associate relaxation as a minor, temporary thing that I sometimes would selfishly do…. until guilt or worry about what I SHOULD be doing would drive me back to work.
12. Do I have meaning? I used to believe that my teaching students gave my life meaning and purpose. And, I can still delude myself that this IS so. But, is it really? If no, was it all a farce? If yes, what meaning will I have after teaching is gone?
Again, the above is just a jumbled, random spewing of different thoughts I have been having.
I look back at the above and feel rather stupid. But, these have been a fair number of my thoughts. They need to be here for me to examine…. and to allow them to settle OUT of my mind for a while.
PipeTobacco
3 Comments:
I remember at my high school the teachers who stayed in it too long and wore out their welcome. I know you enjoy teaching and how worthwhile your job is and as long as you are able and happy to continue, I see no issue with it. Part-time to explore other avenues and hobbies would be a great way to dip your toes into retirement, but you mentioned once that it wouldn't be feasible. I would never say trust your gut (it can lie), but use a combination of your head and your feelings to figure out a path forward, whether that's working or retiring. You aren't locked in and have choices you can make...and change!
You write of your long identity as “being a professor,” but also write that “teaching students” gave your life meaning and purpose. Those of course are two quite different things, and your feelings about those differences will surely have a lot to do with your choices upon retirement, won’t they? With retirement you won’t have to deal with the bureaucracy, department meetings, and general administrivia that comes with being a professor. Surely you won’t miss that. But will you miss the science — the research? Or is it more the teaching that draws you to your work? If the latter, I suspect there would be any number of ways you could continue as a teacher/mentor/advisor away from the university. And if you still have an active professional network, I suspect your university won’t totally cut ties with you, so you could still don your scientist hat and advertise yourself as Professor PipeTobacco from YourUniversity when you attend professional conferences or publish your newly independent scholarship.
You mention "a farce" -- well, my professor friends in liberal arts classrooms are more and more using terms like that to describe their teaching, having become deeply demoralized by what A.I. has done to traditional expectations of student engagement. I hope that's less of a prominent concern in lab-based science classrooms, but perhaps in retirement you could position yourself in a role that can't readily be replaced by a LLM, which would surely be a lot more fulfilling than standing in front of a classroom knowing that students are completing your assignments by having a computer "write" their papers for them.
And I do think you are on to something with your thoughts about "relaxing." I've seen too many retirees so focused on "relaxing" that their minds and bodies quickly atrophy. Whatever you do in retirement, I hope you find a way to stay engaged and active in whatever new pursuits you embark upon.
Your thoughts aren't "stupid," Professor. You've got a lot to think about, and I'm glad you are starting to do so in earnest!
I don’t think your job is grinding you down like some jobs do, so you can take some time making your decision, which is what you are planning to do.
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