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Discouraged

My mother is trying, is working to get well. Most signs are positive at the moment, except that there may be new accumulation of fluid in her lung. Prayers and well wishes are appreciated.

While things are mostly positive, I am feeling discouraged. I fear there will never be another simple, calm, casual day for my mother. I so want her to have that again, a time where she simply enjoys the day.

I so want that for my family as well.

I want that for myself too.

I do not know if it will be.

Ever.

* * * * *

Yet, I feel guilty, like a crybaby for my discouragement, my worry, my fear. There is so much hardship in the world, that perhaps I am just getting my own slice of that "heartache" pie? Perhaps I deserve more horrors? I sure hope not. But, how am I to know? Perhaps I am on an endless cycle where more and more heartache will continue to happen each and every day. Each day will grow worse than the previous. Perhaps that is my destiny? I hope not.

* * * * *

I feel horrible that I cannot fix this. Yet it is unrealistic to even try. I know that, but I do not feel able to to not try. The only time I seem to relax these days is during those occasions when I do not dream nor do I have nightmares during sleep. Waking hours are not about life, but about trying in futility to fix things. In sleep, I can live... when I stop dreaming or thinking.

PipeTobacco