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Wrath of God

I do not know why I deserve this, but now I received word from my wife that HER mother has now been hospitalized and that she will receive a heart catheterization sometime on Thursday.

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I am so sad and so angry and so utterly frustrated right now. I think God has decided to turn his wrath upon me and my family. I do not understand why this has happened and do not understand why life has to be so utterly horrible and harsh.

I miss my mother so very deeply. I regret that I was not with her when she passed away, I regret that the time now with her is over. I so miss her face. I so miss her voice. I so miss her smile. I broke down and wept during part of my class today. Teaching anatomy & physiology is especially difficult at this time because what I talk about is so closely intimated with what has gone on with my mother's decline. When I talk about the cardiovascular system, I think about her heart and its problems, when I talk about the respiratory system, I think about her breathing issues.

Why is God so cruel and so mean? Why is it that He has decided to separate me from her love, from the love of my father, from the love of my aunts and uncles who have also died, from SO VERY many of those I care about? Why? It is mean, it is cruel, it feels heartless and makes me feel dead inside.

I do not think I shall ever be able to feel any contentment ever again. I do not think I shall ever laugh a REAL, open, whole hearted laugh again. I think any smile I will be able to give shall only be forced and akin to a grimace.

I do not understand God. I do not understand His reasoning. All I feel is alone, and abandoned. And now with my wife's mother being ill as well, that feeling is even more isolating as I have to try to be there for my wife. The thought of being in that hospital again is enough to make me sick.

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I had thought I would be able to tell you about the Grief Support Group I attended last night. Overall, my impression of the group was quite good. But, I shall have to leave it for a different time, for their messages and their ideas and insights seem hollow to me again because of the day's current circumstances.

PipeTobacco