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Mistaken Illusion

During the last course of the day, my senior seminar, we started to have a wonderfully rich and animated discussion about today's topic... pollutants in the environment that disrupt endocrine function. It was very pleasant and I enjoyed capturing and guiding the student's ample enthusiasm for the topic into a variety of questions for discussion. It was a feeling of light-heartedness and intellectual discussion that feels wonderful to my mind. So, as the class ended, I felt good.... and as I was walking out of the classroom door, the thought that would occur every day during the last several years.... the thoughts that came to me reflexively without any effort were:

"Yes! I have completed the day successfully.... I want to hurry out so I can get home to see my wife, my Mom, and my kids and hear about their day and tell them about mine."

Then as those basic thoughts flashed through my mind, the harsh recall of my Mother's passing hit me similarly to being buried by a ton of bricks. Do not get me wrong... I had thought many times during the day about Mom and how I missed her. But somehow, I had gotten into an educational cycle where I was able to feel quite happy, and that happiness had me briefly go back to my old thought patterns.

It hurt so much to again feel that sorrow, that longing for her presence. I miss her, and I do not know how to make this something that I can fix, something I can at least try to make somehow less harsh and despairing, and perhaps devote my energy into somehow at least making her memory alive. I just do not know if I am capable of such high energy endeavors now or ever.

Today was in total a very difficult day.

My Mom was a remarkable and beautiful woman. I miss her voice, I miss her smile, I miss HER. Please help me, O Lord, to somehow get a sign. I so need a sign... one that is filled with certainty from you and from Her so that I can KNOW she is in heaven with my father, my uncles, my aunt, and Her own parents and grandparents. If only there were a way I could KNOW heaven exists and is real and that they are there, especially my mom... if I could somehow know this... instead of having to have "faith" in it... it would help me so much. Please, PLEASE allow me to receive a real sign... a definitive sign from Mom so that I KNOW there is a continuum.

Please.

PipeTobacco