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Fill In The Blank

Today can best be described as a day that is relatively devoid of emotion. I do not feel happy, I do not feel incredibly sad. I feel "numb" without the fuzzy numbness... if that makes any sense. I do not feel dulled senses, nor do I feel heightened senses. I do not feel aware or unaware. I do not feel curious,nor do I feel fearful.

I feel blank.

As today is the busiest day of the work week this semester, I was feeling unhappy about what I needed to do for today when I was thinking about it last night. Yet, I think it turned out to be one of the more successful Thursdays I have had at work this semester. Not that this gives me any joy or satisfaction. Nor, however, does it give me sorrow or pain either. It did not cause any emotional construct from me.

I feel blank.

I want my Mom to see me, to hear me. I want my Mom to let me hear Her, see her. I do not know, nor can I know if that will ever happen. But it is what I wish for each and every night and each and every morning. Sometimes I pray to God for this wish, sometimes I simply wish it in my mind.

I feel blank.

I am going to go now, and I will drive for 40 minutes to get across town to the restaurant my mother and I would eat at together every Thursday since my father passed away. It is the same restaurant the three of us (my mother and father and I) would regularly eat at as well before his passing. I now need to go there to be respectful of the many workers and tell them of my mother's passing. They will be saddened, but will want to know.

I feel blank.

During the last six months of my mother's life, when she was too weak to travel to the restaurant mentioned above with me, I would drive to this restaurant and ask them to specifically package the food we typically would eat together in "to go" containers. I would then drive back home and carefully prepare the food and plate it on nice china and glasses and the two of us would eat our meal together. I wanted Mom and I to have a sense of normalcy and happiness.

I feel blank.

My wife and I made a very conscious decision at the start of our marriage to have each of us spend one evening each week alone with our parents. It has usually been Thursday when we did this. It was something that we felt was very valuable and important in addition to the time we spent with each other's families together as a married couple. It is one of the few things I feel confident in that I did right for my parents.

Still, I feel blank.

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