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Sr. Lisa Catherine

I had been meaning for some time to write about some comments from readers. Today, I will specifically want to write about and address comments from Sr. Lisa Catherine. However, I suspect that her comments may be similar to comments in the back of many of you, my reader's minds as well. Please know how much I value and need all of your readership and comments. My blog is not a money-making venture, there are no ads or banners or things to try to attract readers (in some ways I wish I could figure out how to attract more readers). Instead, my blog is really a reflection of me, my inner workings, my hopes, dreams, fears, and adventures. I cherish all of you readers.

Unfortunately, I have apparently disappointed Sr. Lisa Catherine because of the somewhat morose nature of my recent posts this past two months. She is even considering NOT reading my blog any longer because of what I have written. I hope she does not quit reading my site, for I value her contributions greatly. Below, I take some of her comments and use them as starting points for answers and explanations I can give about my current situation:

"I've been reading your blog for some time now and must wonder in my heart if you do things to still, in some way, almost punish your mother for dying. Something to think about I guess."

This comment was the first one where I wanted to reply immediately and say... I do not understand how you think I am "punishing my mother for dying". I love my mother dearly and would never want to hurt her or punish her. I miss her tangible presence in my life every day. I suspect you mean I am hurting my mother by "not living life". Fortunately, I am living life. Albeit at this point it is a life that seems less colorful, less vibrant, and less hopeful than I used to feel. I do feel I am slowly regaining some of my joy. To me, the grief I feel for my mother (and myself) is something I really do not have a "roadmap" for on how to recover. I think recovery takes time and takes effort. I truly am making an effort to recover. I am making an effort to bring myself back into a happier frame of mind.

"This may, by chance, be my last visit to this page... I find it depressing and more, self harming to live in such self added pain you put on yourself."

I am not sure how you feel I am "self-adding" pain to myself. What I feel I have been doing here is trying as best as I can to describe what thoughts and emotions are going through my mind (this is actually what I have always done during the 3.5 years I have written here). Currently, a sizable chunk of my thoughts *do* revolve around my mother's passing. I am attending a Grief Support Group that has been suggesting there is no set length to grief... it is all individualized. Some people in similar circumstances to mine may grieve only a week or two, others may grieve for several years.

In the pain that I have been feeling these past (nearly) 10 weeks, it DOES SEEM to help me cope by having this spot to write in about those very harsh emotions I feel. And these emotions permeate into other grief I have experienced. When I write down these feelings, and when I write about those issues that have been on my mind.... I feel I have found someone to listen to my pain. By knowing that my readers (or those who remain) read about me, makes me feel that this voice is heard and I can then let that idea, that feeling rest. It does not always go away, but in most circumstances it does feel less burdensome.

"But I can't read your post where you have nothing but sadness when your mom would have wanted SO MUCH MORE from you and out of you after she died."

I agree with you... my Mother would want so much more for me and from me... that is a true goal of mine. I am making strides in that way... they may be "baby" steps, but I can sense and feel progress in myself. For instance, my faith, while not where it once was... my faith has been slowly returning. I am less angry with God for what He did (yes, I know I should *not* be angry with God, but at this point I still am to a degree).

I can understand your point. I think my posts of the last several weeks have probably driven a great deal of my readership away. I do not wish that. However, I am a bit at a loss on how to proceed... this blog, by definition, is meant to be an area where I display my thoughts... and right now, these are my array of thoughts. Do I suspect they will always be this "down"? I sure hope not. And, I do not suspect they will be. But, at this point, what you read is what *is* pouring out of my soul at this time. When I wrote about the 9th week of my Mom's passing, and wrote about the suicide of my niece, and wrote about the death of a beloved pet... those were the things my mind was churning and blending and putting in the forefront of my thoughts. After I wrote that essay... please note... I felt a sense of freedom... a sense of calmness. Specifically BECAUSE I was able to put these very strong emotions down somewhere where some would read them... and this would in some way validate my emotions so that I could stop thinking about only them and expand outside of them.

So, in conclusion, I hope you Sr. Lisa Catherine, and any of you who remain.... I hope that you do not give up on me. I hope that you do not leave me. I am striving to be better.

PipeTobacco