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Imagination

The saddness I feel about the loss of my mother is exacerbated by my own significant loss of faith. Whereas I used to feel I had very strong faith in my Roman Catholic beliefs about life and the afterlife, the passing of my mother and the events surrounding said passing have significantly diminished the level of my faith.

Whereas I used to believe that there was an afterlife, and I used to feel comforted in that belief... with its inherent hopes of seeing those I love again even if they have died... is no longer something I feel strong belief in. I have prayed and begged for a sign from Mom so that I may feel comforted, but none arrives. And, I know that I *SHOULD* be able to have faith without proof, but in all honesty, right now I do not.

I have been wanting to visit a priest and talk with him ever since my mother's death. I would like to talk with him about my feelings, my decreased belief, and ask for help in trying to understand why these last several weeks have happened.

Unfortunately, the type of priest I need is one who is very thoughtful, and one that is able to discuss things deeply. In the recent past (say the last 10 years or so), I have known well, two priests who would fit that bill. Unfortunately, one, Fr. Davey, passed away near Christmas, and the other one took an assignment overseas for two years and is not available. The priests I currently interact with are not particularly suitable because either a) they do not display thoughtfulness or depth (just like people in general, some priests are deep, some are fairly superficial), or b) they are priests I do not know hardly at all (some, I have been to their parish only a few times and do not know them well, or they themselves are too new to the parish for me to know much about them).

I have thought about this a great deal and I will be continuing to try to find the right priest to talk to. If I could find the right priest, here is the basic gist of the conversation I keep thinking I would have.... I have played this over and over in my mind numerous times. The dialogue is of course primairly my own as I do not know what the priest may say:

[ I would arrive at the priest's office, most likely the one at his parrish, not at his home. He would invite me in and I would sit in one of the chairs present as he sits behind his desk. The room is sparsely furnished, but there are a few religious touches of course and a fairly large open window to the side. ]

Me: "Hello Father."

Priest: "Hello (PipeTobacco)."

Me. "I was hoping to talk with you today about some spiritual issues that have formed a very tangled knot in my mind. Many of the issues are jumbled together and so tightly intertwined I do not think I will be particularly successful in giving them to you linearly or even particularly coherently. I apologize."

Priest: "It is ok, let's just see how it goes."

[ I close my eyes for a moment, and take my hand and pull it down along the lower half of my face, across my moustache and beard, pulling gently on both as I sigh audibly. Opening my eyes, I then reach down into my jacket pocket and pull out my pipe, tobacco pouch and lighter and lay them on the desktop so that the priest sees them. He does, and looks at them quietly and then back up at me. ]

Priest: unknown comments at this time

Me: "I believe I am here because of feelings, emotions, and thoughts I have following the death of my mother."

Priest: unknown comments at this time

Me: "My mother was a very special person, and she was a very vivid and important part of my life. She passed away in early March, and she had lived with my family for nearly the last five years."

Priest: unknown comments at this time

Me: "The loss of her is something I am having a great deal of difficulty with. As would be anticipated, I miss her terribly, I miss her voice, I miss her smile. But most particularly, I miss that incredible connection a mother and child have... she knew me better and longer than anyone else alive. I cherish who she is and I grieve the circumstances of her death, and feel wholly forlorn and in many ways I feel very lost without her corporal presence."

Priest: unknown comments at this time

Me: "Her death was unexpected. I had taken her to the hospital less than 48 hours before, thinking she would have some general medication adjustments like had happened numerous times since she had become so frail following a heart attack that occurred from a dislodged clot of plaque following angioplasty in February of 2000. Unfortunately, this time, she died in the middle of the night and no one was with her other than hospital staff."

[ I pause a moment. For even as I write the above it is very difficult. ]

Me: "Her unexpected death leaves me very angry... angry at myself for things I could have and should have done... and extremely angry at God for doing this, in this way, at this time. I used to be a person who had strong faith in my religious philosophy ... Roman Catholicism. But now, all I feel is hurt and angry and alone in my thoughts."

Priest: unknown comments at this time

Me: "Prior to her passing, actually a few days befor Lent had started, I had been thinking about what I would "do" to try to grow in knowledge and depth during Lent. I decided to abstain from my pipes and pipe tobaccos... a long standing hobby of mine that I relished. My abstaining had been going well, actually. Even better than I had expected. I was feeling happy about this effort, and I was feeling happy about my life and my family. I felt I was really trying to grow in religious understanding through my efforts. "

[ I look up at the priest, but I suspect he will say nothing and will just continue to listen. ]

Me: "Following the death of my mother, I continued my fast from my pipes initially, but as the realization of the reality of her death penetrated deeper and deeper into my heart, I grew more and more angry. I PURPOSEFULLY stopped my abstaining from my pipes on the third day after her death SPECIFICALLY to show God my anger, actually my rage and my hurt in what He had done. I purposefuly and systematically BROKE my Lenten vow. Again, not because I was struggling with the vow (for I was not), nor was I feeling any uncomfortable side effects (for I was not). I broke the vow because I wanted to show God how angry I was and how mean and cruel I thought He was."

Priest: unknown comments at this time

Me: "I see God now as a cruel taskmaster... if I see him at all. I do not know if I have much belief anymore. Sometimes I feel that there may be no God, no afterlife, and that the thoughts of and hopes for heaven where I might be able to see my loved ones again seems a figment of my imagination. When I struggle to try and regrasp my faith, I often see it as pointless and perhaps even if it is real, why then would this path that God created be fraught with such times of cruelty and harsh, bitter heartache? It does not feel or seem at all valuable or appropriate or meaningful for us to slowly experience death upon death of those who love and care for us... to experience that emptiness, that cruel feeling of being in a void. Why would He do this in this way? This causes me to doubt everything I previously believed in."

Priest: unknown comments at this time

[ As this post is long, I think I shall conclude here at least for a while. I do have more I wish to say to the priest so that he may help guide me into some sort of meaningful understanding of these events and my feelings. I shall perhaps tackle that later today or for tommorrow's post. ]

PipeTobacco