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Words Can Hurt

My wife and I had an argument last night and I feel wiped out, sad, and gloomy. I honestly feel that there is no real purpose in anything I do or say or feel in life. I am simply to be a robot, going through the motions of living.

The basic parts of our argument again involved issues of communication. We both had difficulty in that regard. Phone conversations we had while I was at work about some worrisome health matters in our youngest offspring made me feel edgy and tense as I drove home. In retrospect, I think these phone conversations were my wife's attempt to talk about her fears and worries... no matter how extreme and unlikely many of them were. If I would have viewed the conversation like that, I would have been better off. Unfortunately, instead I too became keyed up and anxious and started thinking that the very grave possibilities my wife suggested were more and more possible.... unlike what my logical mind was telling me. If I had listened to my logical side AND realized my wife was venting her ideas, I could have kept calmer myself and kept my focus on the more realistic and likely scenarios for my youngest offspring.

So, I arrived home most definitely on edge. Add to this a heavy snowstorm that I had to drive home in (3 inches had fallen right before I had left the U), and I was having to very carefully plan my actions and chose my behaviors. I decided to work on dinner while my wife ran a very important errand. I felt calmer.... not CALM, but calmer than I had after cooking. So, my wife and I sat down and started talking about our day. My wife was still in her venting mode... she simply wanted to say virtually everything that was on her mind that day. And for me this can sometimes be tough... especially when some of her thoughts are angry. This venting is so much unlike my own personality that I rarely anticipate it in my wife and often do not recognize it until far after the fact. If I had KNOWN she was simply venting, I could have been far more successful in not feeling hurt by her words. She DID NOT mean them towards me. Now in retrospect I can know that. But during the litany of them I was not thinking of them as being a venting event.... I instead felt she was complaining about me and what I was doing... and felt very hurt and wounded. The pinnacle of the argument arrived when she ended her venting by proclaiming in an angry tone, "Now my day will be ruined tomorrow as well!" or words to that effect. To me, not seeing her words as venting, but instead incorrectly viewed it as an attack on me and my behavior, my work ethic, my value as a person and my role as her mate... this became the last straw and I became very, very angry and hurt.

We did not speak for roughly an hour after that point. When we did again speak, words were angry on both sides and it took over two hours to get to the point where *I believe and hope" we both understood each other's perspectives. Again, in hindsight, I can now see her words and actions as simply her "venting" and expressing herself. Taken in that light, the words she said did NOT necessarily point towards me having done something wrong. If I could have viewed her words in that manner before they hurt me, this argument could have been avoided. Likewise, I *hope* and *sincerely pray* that my wife understands the *WHY AND HOW* of how her words could easily be seen as being meant to be hurtful... and that in the future she takes action to preface her venting by at least telling me her words are not meant towards me but instead are simply her own feelings of the moment and she simply needs to express them.

PipeTobacco