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Ashes

Today is Ash Wednesday in my faith, the Roman Catholic Church. It is a day of fasting and atonement and contemplation.

This year, my fasting will consist of eating no food for the entire day with the exception of a small dinner. No breakfast, no lunch, no snacks. Only non-caloric beverages to stay hydrated.

A very important aspect of my faith on this day is the placement of ashes on the forehead in the sign of the cross. These ashes are made from the burnt palm fronds received the previous Palm Sunday (the week prior to Easter)and mixed with a small amount of holy oil. For me, I am now wearing ashes upon my forehead to participate in this aspect of my faith.

Additionally, there are no ashes today in my pipe, nor are there ashes falling upon my shirt or sport coat. I have decided to refrain from my pipe today. I am not exactly sure why I am refraining from my pipe today, but I am. A part of me wishes to refrain as an expression of my faith, but another part of me does not feel that faith and does not even have conviction that the tenets of faith are real. I am still in that land of nebulousity where I "kind of" believe, but I "kind of" do not. I also somewhat "want to" participate, but a part of me "wants to" do anything OTHER than participate.

Please recall that I had joyfully and purposefully given up my pipe last year at the start of Lent (Lent starts on Ash Wednesday in my faith). I felt very strong in my convictions and felt good about my sacrifice. I felt I *was* doing what God wanted, and was living a life of strong service. Two weeks into that participation, the horrid day where my mother died and was taken away occurred. It felt like a condemnation from God. It made me angry, more angry than I have been in a very, very long time. I PURPOSEFULLY broke my vow to refrain from my pipe at that time. I was so very angry and hurt. My faith has never been the same since that time. Truthfully, I am not sure if I have faith now, or if I am simply going through the motions in some sort of repetitive dance of no value or purpose.

This year, because of the variable nature of the placement of Lent and Easter in the calender, the day after today is the day of my Mother's birth. It is her birthday tomorrow, the first one where she will not be here physically to celebrate it with us.

My mind is awash with conflicting feelings, emotions, and thoughts of all sorts. The best I seem able to do is to suppress them, ignore them, and carry on in an unfeeling, unthinking fashion much akin to a robot. That is what I shall be doing in a few minutes as I head off to lecture. It is an odd, empty sort of existence in a lot of ways, but it helps me get through the day. When at night I allow myself to feel and think and emote, it is no better really, for then I am unable to sleep, unable to concentrate, and instead I toss and turn and fuss in all manner of ways. So, I often try to be robotic in my evening routines as well so as to not hinder my ability to rest.

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A brief note: I did not post on Tuesday because my wife had her enormous presentation and when it concluded, we went to dinner (at a favorite Mexican restaurant in our region), and then we bought a special "treat" for each of us to consume for "Fat Tuesday", the day before Ash Wednesday. My treat was to purchase and eat a few cups of Brach's Bridge Mix... a variety of chocolate covered candies and nuts that I typically do not eat because of my propensity to eat far too much of the stuff.

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