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What Do People See?

I have been feeling now, for some time, a sense of ambiguity about who I am, what I am, and what meaning if any there is to my life. I am not seeking any sort of change, for I am what I am. But, I do sorely wish I had not lost that feeling of purpose and meaning. My role, my purpose, my meaning... even though they may have all been silly, unreal pipe dreams... when I felt they were real, when I felt they did define a true purpose for me and for my role in life... it was easier to feel contentment. Now, with my doubt of any real role, any real purpose, or any real meaning in my actions, every move, every task, every effort seems superfluous or worse, like a hamster running on a wheel... a lot of effort for nothing.

This ambiguity guided me to try to examine what it is that the world sees when by some minor happenstance, it sees me. I decided to spend as much time as I could with a mirror in front of me to watch what it is I am giving off at least as reflected light to the world. As I sat before my computer, I could see out of the corner of my eye, the mirror (a stand alone model in a frame. The surface was roughly 8 X 10). It reported to me a reflection that between a portrait and a profile by its angle. I could see my visage before me as I typed, as I drank coffee, as I smoked my pipe.

What did I see? It has been a few weeks since my haircut/beard/moustache trim. I should likely give myself my in-between haircut self trim to my moustache, for it was a bit heavier and shaggier than I typically wear it. It was taking on the old "soup-strainer" quality so often described in films of days gone by. I actually like the look better of my shaggier moustache, but it does get messier, so I tend to trim it a bit. The grey of my beard is still pleasantly mottled. Some regions are whitish grey, others a charcoal grey, and there are a few minor areas still dark as well. In my mind, the lack of uniformity in color gives depth and texture to my beard.

As I sipped my coffee, I could see how my roundish, wire rimmed glasses with thick lenses did give me a rather owlish look, especially with my shaggy eyebrows poking out above the frames.

I picked up my pipe and slowly filed the bowl with leaf, still keeping a focus on my image in the mirror as I did so. I watched as my mouth gently held the stem as my teeth would grip and align it in position. My moustache cascaded around the stem on both sides almost as if giving the stem a hug. As I ignited the pipe and inhaled the rich smoke, I watched what it looked like as I slowly exhaled curls of smoke from my mouth and from my nostrils. The patterns the smoke took were entertaining to watch as they slowly dissipated around me. My dark brown eyes, mostly obscured by reflections off the lenses of my glasses, displayed both an alertness and a tiredness.

So, this is how the world sees me. Does that give me any meaning or purpose? Not really, as far as I can discern. Perhaps I should try to videotape my teaching? If I did so, I could then watch what the students see. Perhaps that is where purpose and meaning can be uncovered?

Somehow, I fear that too shall prove fruitless. If you know of any answers or even theories, please let me know.

PipeTobacco