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Chaos of My Mind

My mind is awash in chaos, swirling, tugging torrents of water-like thoughts pull at every fiber of my mind, spirit, and soul.

The funeral was today, and I am glad it has occurred, for maybe it will allow me to revert back to the happier train of thoughts I had been striving to culture and foster in my life. The last several days, since his passing, I could feel my horrors and sorrows permeate back into my heart. I once again felt desire only to sleep and to eat junk food, in massive quantities. I felt the hideous emotions of despair and pointlessness bubble up to my consciousness.

To try to get the rough and unhappy things over, after we arrived home from the funeral, tonight (this evening), I fulfilled my invitation (requirement) to attend dinner with the President of the U. The President is a nice fellow, but these dinners are not my forte, for they pool a handful of faculty together who do not know each other for a meal and several hours of idle chit-chat. Chit-chat is most certainly not my forte, and it exhausts me and keeps me constantly on edge. I could have easily refrained from going due to the family circumstances, but then I would have been requested to attend another one in the next month or two. My thought was to combine the two hard tasks together. The last time I was asked, was when my mother had passed away, and I did beg off, because I was completely unfit to function.

To be truthful, the President was very nice and cordial. The food was also very nicely prepared. Additionally, the other faculty were all nice folks. Yet, it was very, very hard and draining on me. Chit-chat, simply talking about things without purpose or goal is simply not a task that gives me comfort or balance. It feels more akin to walking a tightrope high above a ravine upon which one misstep would mean certain death.

Also, the meal, although for 99% of the population, would be considered WONDERFUL, for my own food needs and desires it was the polar opposite of what I eat. There was an enormous slab of beef (I do not really enjoy beef, and if given a choice, avoid it). There was a side, but it was simply a cooked carrot, two small wedges of a potato and a tomato stuffed with cheese. The salad was a couple of leaves of spinach with a strawberry on top. Dessert was a lava cake, which, as was everything else, was very well done, but it is not an item I would choose to eat.

I am much more attuned to eating high fiber, vegetarian foods with enormous salads and very small, light desserts. But, of course, because the FOOD gave me a way to keep my mouth occupied so I did not have to chit-chat as MUCH as I would have had to without the food, I ate every single morsel... simply to occupy time.

I made it home, and now am praying and vowing to have Wednesday revert back to a NORMAL day, a day like I have been striving for during the last several months... one of calmness, small goals, and striving for happiness.

And yes, today I *did* walk, at 5:30 am, so as to not break that cycle. I was not in a mental state to do so, but I forced myself even though all I wanted to do was cry and sleep and eat. It was day 142.

PipeTobacco