The Thoughts of a Frumpy Professor

............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Aftermath



Funerals are not something I am particularly successful at attending.  The funeral was for the father-in-law of one my siblings, so I knew the man, but was not extremely close.  Yet, the emotions of all the close relatives in their grief affected me as well.  I felt out of sorts for the rest of the day (and even before attending).  I was asked to lead the Rosary as well, and unfortunately because of my own rising levels of emotions, I stumbled twice during my leading of the prayers.  I felt bad about that.  My brother-in-law is a real nice fellow, and I felt sad for him and for his siblings and especially for their mother.

As I laid in bed last night, reading a chapter in the current detective/medical detective novel I am reading, Death Benefit,   I began to feel an even deeper sense of sadness and melancholy.  I  read an additional chapter, hoping to get my mind off my mood, but it was not working.  After I put the book down and turned off my reading lamp, I tried hard to steer my mind away from my sadness, and instead tried to think of various other things.  I eventually fell asleep and do not recall any of the dreams I had last night.

This morning, I was not particularly in a mood to get out of bed.  When my alarm went off at 4:30am, I hit the snooze button a twice.  Finally, however,  I forced myself out of bed and got on with my walk.  The roads and sidewalk were icy from a freezing mix of precipitation overnight, so I had a slower go of it than usual.  My sadness returned, and I had tears streaming down my cheeks into my beard as I thought about how much I love and cherish my family, and how life seems so utterly fleeting.  I thought of how much I so cherish my kids and my wife.  I kept asking forgiveness for all the times I was horrible, the times over the decades when I spoke a harsh word to them,  or of the times whe I did not  spend every possible moment with them.  

I know that this sort of "over-emotionality" is not healthy for me, so even as I was walking and crying, I was trying to figure out how to get my mind turned around to other, more positive things.  It took quite a while. I was still feeling blue when I returned home from my walk. 

I gathered up my gear for work at the U and headed to the gym.  On the drive in, I had a very strong urge for a pipe.  The notion of taking in a few, deep lungfuls of rich pipe tobacco smoke was enormously appealing.  It was a bit of a surprise, as even though I have had a small slip-up on both the past two Saturdays, I had not really experienced an EXTREME craving for pipe tobacco.... smaller cravings all throughout the two weeks, yes, but not such a strong one before.  Fortunately, I did not have to struggle, because I did not have a pipe, nor my pouch of pipe tobacco or lighter with me in my vehicle.  By the time I reached the U, it had passed for the most part, and I went to the gym. 

In addition to my usual morning workout routine, I added  9 laps of jogging around the indoor track to try to tire myself out some.  I know that in past experiences with my "meloncholy" more intensive physical exhertion sometimes helps me feel better.  I did not get a helluva lot of vigor on my icy 5 mile walk this morning, so I thought I needed this extra effort.  It seems to have done the trick as I feel more even-keeled. 

PipeTobacco


Today's (Monday's) Goal =0

Yesterday's (Sunday's) Goal = 0 bowls
Actual consumption (Sunday) = 0 bowls

5 Comments:

Anonymous Müderris said...

Thanks for blog :)

Monday, 10 December, 2012  
Blogger BBC said...

I'm going to urge you to read more uplifting things, or just plain old good westerns.

As we age we see more death, deal with it, have wakes instead of stupid mournful funerals. The last one I attended was okay because I was the officiant, the minister.

Helen isn't having a funeral, she's getting fried, I'm dumping her in the sound and that will be the end of it.

Keep on keeping on...

Monday, 10 December, 2012  
Blogger BBC said...

You make me happy...

That I'm not you, hahahaha

Monday, 10 December, 2012  
Blogger Doc Teri said...

You amaze me...
I now know how you fit in 5 miles a day. I was an insomniac for several years...awakening at 3:30 every day without plan. I cherish getting sleep now.
I, too, have been utterly melancholy today. The combination of my horrible allergic reaction to my nicotine patches, combined with everything else, worked against me.
I hope I get back on the "wagon" tomorrow....
I need to re-add exercise. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I was accused of being an exercise addict.
Alas, such is not the case today.
I can learn a lot from you...
I am glad you are more even-keeled. I hope the holiday music concert in which my son is a soloist this evening will put me on the same path...

Monday, 10 December, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Passing cravings = real life example of "resist the devil and he will flee from you!"

Monday, 10 December, 2012  

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