Aftermath

Funerals are not something I am particularly successful at attending.  The funeral was for the father-in-law of one my siblings, so I knew the man, but was not extremely close.  Yet, the emotions of all the close relatives in their grief affected me as well.  I felt out of sorts for the rest of the day (and even before attending).  I was asked to lead the Rosary as well, and unfortunately because of my own rising levels of emotions, I stumbled twice during my leading of the prayers.  I felt bad about that.  My brother-in-law is a real nice fellow, and I felt sad for him and for his siblings and especially for their mother.

As I laid in bed last night, reading a chapter in the current detective/medical detective novel I am reading, Death Benefit,   I began to feel an even deeper sense of sadness and melancholy.  I  read an additional chapter, hoping to get my mind off my mood, but it was not working.  After I put the book down and turned off my reading lamp, I tried hard to steer my mind away from my sadness, and instead tried to think of various other things.  I eventually fell asleep and do not recall any of the dreams I had last night.

This morning, I was not particularly in a mood to get out of bed.  When my alarm went off at 4:30am, I hit the snooze button a twice.  Finally, however,  I forced myself out of bed and got on with my walk.  The roads and sidewalk were icy from a freezing mix of precipitation overnight, so I had a slower go of it than usual.  My sadness returned, and I had tears streaming down my cheeks into my beard as I thought about how much I love and cherish my family, and how life seems so utterly fleeting.  I thought of how much I so cherish my kids and my wife.  I kept asking forgiveness for all the times I was horrible, the times over the decades when I spoke a harsh word to them,  or of the times whe I did not  spend every possible moment with them.  

I know that this sort of "over-emotionality" is not healthy for me, so even as I was walking and crying, I was trying to figure out how to get my mind turned around to other, more positive things.  It took quite a while. I was still feeling blue when I returned home from my walk. 

I gathered up my gear for work at the U and headed to the gym.  On the drive in, I had a very strong urge for a pipe.  The notion of taking in a few, deep lungfuls of rich pipe tobacco smoke was enormously appealing.  It was a bit of a surprise, as even though I have had a small slip-up on both the past two Saturdays, I had not really experienced an EXTREME craving for pipe tobacco.... smaller cravings all throughout the two weeks, yes, but not such a strong one before.  Fortunately, I did not have to struggle, because I did not have a pipe, nor my pouch of pipe tobacco or lighter with me in my vehicle.  By the time I reached the U, it had passed for the most part, and I went to the gym. 

In addition to my usual morning workout routine, I added  9 laps of jogging around the indoor track to try to tire myself out some.  I know that in past experiences with my "meloncholy" more intensive physical exhertion sometimes helps me feel better.  I did not get a helluva lot of vigor on my icy 5 mile walk this morning, so I thought I needed this extra effort.  It seems to have done the trick as I feel more even-keeled. 

PipeTobacco


Today's (Monday's) Goal =0

Yesterday's (Sunday's) Goal = 0 bowls
Actual consumption (Sunday) = 0 bowls